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This is a discussion on My Sounding Board within the Venting forums, part of the Feeding the Fire category; Reaching out to others, investing my time, care, energy, affection to people goes more unappreciated that I originally thought, especially ...

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Old 04-09-15, 11:26 AM   #1
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Reaching out to others, investing my time, care, energy, affection to people goes more unappreciated that I originally thought, especially when they just used me, consider me an option, pity me, just include as tertiary (or less) network support, or just want to know my business so they can criticize me. However, it is entirely my fault for ever, ever thinking that anyone would truly want me around or that I could brighten up someone's day. When really when they feel bad they just need anyone to make them feel ok or that extra attention, but really it is because they want certain people and situations to make them feel better. Then when they are ok they just leave me on the side, tell me how other people made them happy, complain when they have no one but completely forget about me. Or people get upset with me when I need the same support and care in return or just don't want to invest anything in me. Though I am not saying people are horrid, it is not their fault and it is human nature to be this way, I guess. Instead of bothering anyone, this is so great to have a similar thread as a sound board because I never thought I would be this heartbroken once again. At the very least here no one has to care and they can post their next set of woes and the other theirs no matter how short or how long. I'm sorry I needed to express myself without bothering anyone else directly or ruining anyone's day. I am feeling sooo awful right now I need to force myself to go to work today. Maybe it is because of what I look like, how I am, or whatever it is others feel that I am just disposable or never to be actually regarded. I better stop writing for now, dust myself off and just go and try to forget everything and everyone for now because I am just an amusing footnote. I know other people have, do and will feel like this in their lives. I know I will be ok after awhile just right now my heart is seriously breaking right now. I why should it even bother me since I really should be used to this by now. I am just too stupid to realize how truly insignificant/extraneous I am really am at times when the illusion of being needed, appreciated or something clouds my judgment. Hard to see people unhappy but I have to learn that there is absolutely nothing I can do for them especially when I am considered useless and nothing myself.
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Old 04-09-15, 10:32 PM   #2
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I am trying so damn hard to get over the combination of hurt and disappointment in almost everything currently - not one thing is working out not one (at least not at the levels it should be at). I cannot believe I still feel this way. The desire to finally end it all is getting so great because who would want to be around someone like me anyway at least right now. I have to be more positive and light despite the melancholy that has draped heavily over me. People are supposed to feel good at the very least in one part of their lives especially if they are succeeding. In general people want to feel content be around others and activities and such. People complain that they have a poor social life but successful careers/academics; people are unhappy that they are not some great success but never had any want or worry regarding their personal life. What about the people who have none of that?
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Old 04-11-15, 06:55 AM   #3
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I think I should not continue on anymore. From all the stress, sadness, disappointment and the way people have been treating me overall for the past few month. I am trying so hard to be good to everyone, be supportive, accept being left behind/ignored because no matter what I am not important. I must be the foolish doormat that deserves no respect whatsoever. No one has really been there for me. How could they when they don't know but most likely won't care anyway? It is me I am the joke, the foolish one, thinking if I put myself out there I could be something positive in anyone's life.
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Old 04-12-15, 01:08 AM   #4
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I am having trouble sleeping, concentrating on items of interest but I am forcing myself. I tried reaching out to others again but just don't have the knack for it. I acknowledge that compared to most and probably to all people I am quite different but not in the greatest way. Also that I am not the favorite or popular friend or whatever that people want to deal with. I know I can't replace the people others truly desire to be with at any level - I'm sorry I really can't. All I can say I did try. Again I don't want to be very disconsolate anymore. To me when someone truly and genuinely smiles at me (most likely that person won't read this but I am referring to that person) it can be catchy and contagious. Then I go to work and then the kids are in better spirits and then the staff. Of course that doesn't last because I was reminded of how incompetent I am yet again, ah well. However, it did not phase me too much because I thought hey someone way out there thinks I am OK. Then the next day everything became gloomy, unpleasant and stressful. It seems like those genuine smiles from that person were just a one time event like the solar eclipse. I know people say "ah so what" you can get those cheap ass ones from McDonalds for free, when you walk into a store, literally anyone that can just shit grin for you - hell just look at the mirror and chat daily affirmations. I can't really explain it but either that person really super meant it or that person needs a fucking Academy Award and just grins at everything. That person was actually beaming. However if that person started to glow either me or that one needs to go to the hospital or something. Yes believe or not I try to surround myself with anything ok, good, that most people wouldn't give a flying rat's ass. Ok it does not work all that well but that's the way it is. Yes I know that if I were someone else there would be no shame being acquainted with me and would actually make time for me without feeling burdened. Again that's the way it is. I am really hoping something nice would happen again today (since it is almost dawn here). Honestly, I am not asking for much but it would be really nice. In a way I am hoping the day ends quick as too much disappointment and grief over the weekend is not good. Well, time to try to get something done or try to snack or take a quick nap.
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Old 04-12-15, 03:41 AM   #5
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Oh gee, now I feel like complete shit. I think I am going to lie down. Ok I was feeling already awful but after that I feel totally drained. Oh wow...
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Old 04-12-15, 12:04 PM   #6
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This has been one the worst weekends ever. It's like everyone else complains about having no one and refuse to acknowledge my existence when I am there for them (online or even offline or a combination). This is really not fair. But again it is my fault for thinking that people would appreciate me when I try and even succeed on some level. I don't mind reaching out to others. However, there are people who know me and know me well that have cast me aside lately just because I am not from the social circle or person they are vying for. I know I have mentioned it repeatedly, but if people claim to have no one at all and there is someone there just for the moment. Then it makes me appear clingy because I'm the one that usually has to pull someone aside, see how they are doing, try to comfort, etc. Even worse still I fall into the trap that I can somehow depend on these people for emotional support.
I mean I absolutely appreciated it when someone is kind enough to comfort me when needed because they did not have to do so. But that is ok. At least I can sound board atm.
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Old 04-12-15, 01:35 PM   #7
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What even sucks more is that I have to limit my volunteering this month because of work etc. This means I have to contact people to let them know that I will be away for a few months or until I pick up extra training to resume and improve upon the work that I do. One person in particular will not be happy or at least staff members have told me that she seems to only feel most comfortable with my customer service. Even when I told her that my schedule is not great or tight she was willing to wait or even change her schedule (time frame not schedule) for me. I felt horrible because I had assigned a few goals in combination with her usual needs. People had kept tell me how much she had improved. If I could manage to get the training needed and she and organization is ok I can make this a more permanent and regular role before going to work. With the others painfully I have to leave them temporary or permanently depending on who I will volunteer under. I remember I started to have it together 5 years ago, I mean life for me was just up and down (mostly down). I was working, I was volunteering in various roles, I had taken a certificate course in college, I had a promising relationship (ok yes it was long distance and the person was from England but the person flew me over and visited me a few times), the person declared true love and marriage at that time and contacted each other from every medium possible (I had a long distance phone plan going, via two email accounts, Skype, Yahoo Messenger, the other person loved writing me handwritten scented letters with hearts etc. (ok yeah mushy so what!), I tried to write actual romantic poetry, and even started a fictional story where the person was the central and hero character etc.), also just a few online acquaintances but more actual friends, and family were not struggling as much. This person was a law major and if we were still together I would have been by that person's side as that person would do the best to advocate struggling communities and problems with council housing.
Then like I'm sure almost everyone here in TTL or elsewhere everything started to fall apart. My ex seem to have fallen for someone older, we tried to be friends after and then had the biggest argument concerning the other person's new love and lost contact. We were supposed to go to Europe together that year. Volunteer staff and others started to take advantage and prevent me from succeeding in some areas, I got fired, my acquaintances, group, and friends started to regard me as nothing in various ways, and in a sense shamed the family. Then there was a neighborhood uproar in which the residents had disbanded after that lost battle with me only caring but now avoiding.
Losing volunteering in house battles because of new management seems ongoing. New job did not work out well. Almost committed suicide a few times, had tried to get back to school but did not pan out.
It got worse and worse. Yet stupid me, I thought if I keep fighting, reaching out at times, etc. things would get better but most not at all. So embarrassingly enough I end up here in the midst of things. Well at least I got to hack a thread and since no one has been by it may become my temporary sound board thread. Better than bothering others at times right? Maybe here I can try to be positive if at all possible because I know now I have absolutely no one to turn as no one atm has told or shown me otherwise (as far as it seems). I don't expect it which is more than ok actually. Highly doubt read these posts anyway. So no probs.
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Old 04-12-15, 08:40 PM   #8
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At least the weather is not too bad and kind of nice for April. Though I know it will be a tough month for me in many ways.
There is stuff due and I procrastinated so much because I was just getting over some things and a few people as well. I already miss certain activities and later on some people but that is only from my end of course (never can match someone's else feelings). Change for me usually is negative, unnecessary, non-productive etc. as it would be for other people. The first few days of the week will be unpleasant but maybe it will be ok for the rest of it.
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Old 04-13-15, 06:34 PM   #9
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Much rain and wind over here. Today still was not a great one. I must ensure at least an incomplete report will be submitted before midnight. I'll do what I can. The right side of my body is in pain but still tolerable. Most likely I will take the day off tomorrow or at least half day.
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Old 04-14-15, 03:26 PM   #10
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There are situations and people that I do miss but it is difficult to truly admit that or show the full extent of such. When I did in the past either I had gotten made fun of, had pissed someone off, had been trivialized thereof etc. Of course not every single person had done this as the rare few had not mind this. For today or at least for a few hours would like to feel relaxed and at least overall ok.
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