I'm sick of this. I have isolated myself from people so long so now I'm completely alone. I've been living in fear of rejection and I somehow thought that being alone would make things better. It's actually caused more pain than I thought. I'm constantly forced to live a robotic, mechanical life. I don't even attend college anymore since I've managed to screw that up so badly and I'm fearful of even getting a job since I'm completely incompetent and will never measure up with other people's expectations.
I think of all of the times I was teased and rejected by people and all the times I hid myself from people because I knew they would reject me. Then, I see my younger brother with all of his friends, and girlfriend and hearing how everyone loves him, and how everyone always tells him how wonderful he is etc, when all I ever knew was bullshit from people. I was always hated. By my peers, teachers, the school authority....everyone. I never did anything to hurt anyone, yet there was always hostility towards me. I was always nothing but polite to people, but no one ever gave me a fucking chance. They just kicked me and threw me to the ground like I was garbage. It was because of this that I became increasingly shyer over the years, eventually starting to completely avoid any contact with people.
Now here I am. A disaster. I have no reason to wake up in the morning and I can't even motivate myself to get out of bed. I want someone to talk to desperately. I am already starting to lose my mind. I'm going to chat rooms, web forums and facebook groups and just hoping that someone will acknowledge me in any kind of way. I feel so alone in this miserable life and I don't know what to do anymore. There is no way for me to go to an actual social group because I have no way of getting anywhere.
Just for once I would like to know what it feels like to actually be accepted and loved. I've never had a girlfriend, let alone even KISSED a girl before, which saddens and disgusts me. I feel like a loser and a worthless sham for living like this, but I don't know what to do. I feel so lost....