Note: this post has been shortened, as it was too long.
I am so sick of men.
Lately I have become extremely misanthropic, more so a misandrist. The way men are disgust me, not just with sex and how they act for the things they want, but just how and who they are.
My first experience with men was since I was a child. I lived with my Grandparents and my Grandfather is an emotionally abusive psychopath. I lived in denial about this for so long until I was 17/18, then it hit me.
He's hit me several times for ridiculous reasons and I've always been the one who has to apologise, even when sometimes I've been the one who's actually right during the argument.
When I first struggled with self harm, anxiety, suicidal thoughts etc he'd accuse me of faking it all for attention. My Grandma once offered to take me out for a meal to cheer me up, and he said that I was acting upset so I could be taken out for a meal. Apparently harming myself, not going to school, crying for hours on end, not eating, sleeping, showering etc was all just a clever plan of mine to be taken out for dinner with my family.
He'd go through my laptop and phone, even journal when I was at school. If he'd find anything that he didn't like he'd tell my Grandma and I'd be grounded, all technology taken from me. Some children spread a rumour that I was planning to run away with a friend I'd made online, because at the time I was the first person in school, or at least in my year to have online friends. I made the mistake of mentioning them, and soon someone had gone as far as to tell their mother that I was going to run away to stay with one of my online friends. The school was notified and they put me in detention the whole day until home time. Once I got home, all my technology had been taken away and I was grounded for two months. I only got my technology back once they trusted me again. They didn't listen to what I had to say - my Grandfather being the decider in this. In his eyes, I was just a stupid teenager that didn't know shit, so my opinion on anything was absolutely invalid.
There are many other stories I could tell about this man.
But moving ahead... I got bullied at my first school, which was an all girls school, but when I moved I got severely bullied. The ring leaders were always boys. Always.
They found out I listened to metal music on the second day of school, and on the first they found out I once did graffiti, so my nicknames were 'graffiti girl' and 'emo of the year'. They'd spit at me and tell me to self harm/kill myself. All because I listened to different music than them. If I changed my hair they'd mock it, or they'd pretend to like it and when I said thank you they'd laugh at me as if I was an idiot. They spread a multitude of rumours (just like the one I previously mentioned), if I gained some confidence and spoke about anything during class, maybe answering a question or something, they'd tease me. It was impossible to escape. I constantly felt threatened and unsafe. Then I came out as pansexual, and of course the bullying got stronger. Everyday it would happen, and if I skipped a day of school because I couldn't handle it they'd get on Facebook and call me a pussy for not attending. If I blocked them, they'd ask me why in school or they'd make fake accounts to torment me. One kid even made an account and tried to get me to send naked pictures of myself, I'm assuming his intention was to spread it round.
Then it came to me leaving college and moving house to live with my friends. I was 18 (I'm 19 now), and I wanted to begin exploring with my sexuality. This year so far, and the past year have been the worst for me and men have been a big role in this.
I explored the fetish world a lot, I'm both dominant and submissive, yet when submissive that does not mean someone has absolute total control. You must always take safety precautions just in case something goes wrong. But that wasn't the case for a man I slept with. He didn't rape me - however he did sexually assault me. He was much older than me and was extremely controlling, using empty threats and insults to overpower me. He called me fat, in fact a direct quote is "lose some weight, then I'll be nicer to you". I'm a UK dress size 8. He was disgusting and thinking about him makes me sick.
There was another guy, a few years older than me who thought that sex was the answer to everything. We were going to pursue a relationship until I realised how awful he is. I suffer from anxiety, BPD and rapid cycling bipolar so clearly, when I'm having any sort of episode, it's hard to escape it. Yet every time, every single fucking time I was upset he'd just try to have sex with me. Whether it was over the phone or in real life. Luckily, I was never around him when I was very upset... otherwise I honestly think he'd have raped me. He used to force me into having phone sex, so I have no doubt in my mind that he would take it further in real life.
There were other men like this, all fixated on sex. Until I then met my ex and fell in love. I'd never been in love before, and this made me very shy, easily forgiving and an complete push over.
It's not that he did anything hugely wrong like cheat on me or abuse me, he never did any of that so don't take that the wrong way. No. But it was just the way he left me, and in hindsight, also the time we spent together leading up to that. Obviously I'd vent to him if I was having a shitty day, especially when it came to anxiety, and he was always supportive. But then something changed. He ignored me, no longer seemed to give a crap. He essentially emotionally abandoned me. I'd cry myself to sleep with anxiety every night until the day finally came that he left me.
The way he did it was ridiculously unfair to me. I'd never done anything wrong to him, we'd never even really argued, just a few back and forth's here and there which are normal. But I was always afraid to argue with him in case I'd lose him. I was always too stupidly shy. When the night came, he just said "I think we should break up"... we sat there in silence for a while as I cried, and I eventually let out a "why?". He didn't explain. He just said...
"these things happen". I was confused, frustrated, upset, heart broken. Instead of waiting for me to gather myself, as he had the whole weekend to talk this out with me, he just grabbed his coat and left. No turning back, no goodbye. He just went. I was abandoned in my room, crying the hardest I've ever cried... I literally screamed. It was like I'd been shot.
I ended up having the biggest panic attack I've ever had at 3AM, and messaged him an upset and angry message. I needed to speak to him... he offered to speak on the phone. On the fucking phone. I told him that I deserved better than a stupid and immature phone call. He was so cowardly, which is not who I thought he was at all. He literally said that he'd never felt so appreciated or loved or cared about before when we were together, yet I didn't get an appreciative break up whatsoever. I still don't understand why.
The next day he came over and we talked it through. It was okay.
That's the first time I've ever had my heart broken, and even though it could've been a healthy break up and could've gone smoothly and as well as a break up can go, it was spiteful and traumatising.
And now... we come to the small things that piss me off lately. It isn't that much, but given my mental state, it doesn't take much to set me off; be it angry, upset, numb, etc. I have a dom and as always, most of my friends are male. Well... I really only talk to three people. They're all male. My dom, my housemate and another friend. My housemate I can trust completely with anything, he's saved me from a suicide attempt before. And yet lately he's been saying nothing but sexual things. About how he's sexually frustrated and would love to have sex with me. It's the same with my dom... he seems to think that fucking would help me, he's only ever visited me once without having sex with me. He's just always thinking about it and I'm so sick of it. I've tried to tell him that I'm not in the mood, that I'm too upset, but he always thinks it'll cheer me up. It doesn't. It just makes me numb, makes me disassociate and think that's all I'm good for. My other friend is a little better... but he still mentions sex now and again. Or just doesn't talk to me.
I am so lonely and lost, so sick and tired of being treated this way. I can't make new friends so I am stuck with these people and it's so exhausting. I am just so ready to die.