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This is a discussion on Men. within the Venting forums, part of the Feeding the Fire category; Note: this post has been shortened, as it was too long. I am so sick of men. Lately I have ...

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Old 04-11-16, 08:31 AM   #1
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Note: this post has been shortened, as it was too long.

I am so sick of men.

Lately I have become extremely misanthropic, more so a misandrist. The way men are disgust me, not just with sex and how they act for the things they want, but just how and who they are.

My first experience with men was since I was a child. I lived with my Grandparents and my Grandfather is an emotionally abusive psychopath. I lived in denial about this for so long until I was 17/18, then it hit me.
He's hit me several times for ridiculous reasons and I've always been the one who has to apologise, even when sometimes I've been the one who's actually right during the argument.
When I first struggled with self harm, anxiety, suicidal thoughts etc he'd accuse me of faking it all for attention. My Grandma once offered to take me out for a meal to cheer me up, and he said that I was acting upset so I could be taken out for a meal. Apparently harming myself, not going to school, crying for hours on end, not eating, sleeping, showering etc was all just a clever plan of mine to be taken out for dinner with my family.
He'd go through my laptop and phone, even journal when I was at school. If he'd find anything that he didn't like he'd tell my Grandma and I'd be grounded, all technology taken from me. Some children spread a rumour that I was planning to run away with a friend I'd made online, because at the time I was the first person in school, or at least in my year to have online friends. I made the mistake of mentioning them, and soon someone had gone as far as to tell their mother that I was going to run away to stay with one of my online friends. The school was notified and they put me in detention the whole day until home time. Once I got home, all my technology had been taken away and I was grounded for two months. I only got my technology back once they trusted me again. They didn't listen to what I had to say - my Grandfather being the decider in this. In his eyes, I was just a stupid teenager that didn't know shit, so my opinion on anything was absolutely invalid.
There are many other stories I could tell about this man.

But moving ahead... I got bullied at my first school, which was an all girls school, but when I moved I got severely bullied. The ring leaders were always boys. Always.
They found out I listened to metal music on the second day of school, and on the first they found out I once did graffiti, so my nicknames were 'graffiti girl' and 'emo of the year'. They'd spit at me and tell me to self harm/kill myself. All because I listened to different music than them. If I changed my hair they'd mock it, or they'd pretend to like it and when I said thank you they'd laugh at me as if I was an idiot. They spread a multitude of rumours (just like the one I previously mentioned), if I gained some confidence and spoke about anything during class, maybe answering a question or something, they'd tease me. It was impossible to escape. I constantly felt threatened and unsafe. Then I came out as pansexual, and of course the bullying got stronger. Everyday it would happen, and if I skipped a day of school because I couldn't handle it they'd get on Facebook and call me a pussy for not attending. If I blocked them, they'd ask me why in school or they'd make fake accounts to torment me. One kid even made an account and tried to get me to send naked pictures of myself, I'm assuming his intention was to spread it round.

Then it came to me leaving college and moving house to live with my friends. I was 18 (I'm 19 now), and I wanted to begin exploring with my sexuality. This year so far, and the past year have been the worst for me and men have been a big role in this.
I explored the fetish world a lot, I'm both dominant and submissive, yet when submissive that does not mean someone has absolute total control. You must always take safety precautions just in case something goes wrong. But that wasn't the case for a man I slept with. He didn't rape me - however he did sexually assault me. He was much older than me and was extremely controlling, using empty threats and insults to overpower me. He called me fat, in fact a direct quote is "lose some weight, then I'll be nicer to you". I'm a UK dress size 8. He was disgusting and thinking about him makes me sick.
There was another guy, a few years older than me who thought that sex was the answer to everything. We were going to pursue a relationship until I realised how awful he is. I suffer from anxiety, BPD and rapid cycling bipolar so clearly, when I'm having any sort of episode, it's hard to escape it. Yet every time, every single fucking time I was upset he'd just try to have sex with me. Whether it was over the phone or in real life. Luckily, I was never around him when I was very upset... otherwise I honestly think he'd have raped me. He used to force me into having phone sex, so I have no doubt in my mind that he would take it further in real life.

There were other men like this, all fixated on sex. Until I then met my ex and fell in love. I'd never been in love before, and this made me very shy, easily forgiving and an complete push over.
It's not that he did anything hugely wrong like cheat on me or abuse me, he never did any of that so don't take that the wrong way. No. But it was just the way he left me, and in hindsight, also the time we spent together leading up to that. Obviously I'd vent to him if I was having a shitty day, especially when it came to anxiety, and he was always supportive. But then something changed. He ignored me, no longer seemed to give a crap. He essentially emotionally abandoned me. I'd cry myself to sleep with anxiety every night until the day finally came that he left me.
The way he did it was ridiculously unfair to me. I'd never done anything wrong to him, we'd never even really argued, just a few back and forth's here and there which are normal. But I was always afraid to argue with him in case I'd lose him. I was always too stupidly shy. When the night came, he just said "I think we should break up"... we sat there in silence for a while as I cried, and I eventually let out a "why?". He didn't explain. He just said...
"these things happen". I was confused, frustrated, upset, heart broken. Instead of waiting for me to gather myself, as he had the whole weekend to talk this out with me, he just grabbed his coat and left. No turning back, no goodbye. He just went. I was abandoned in my room, crying the hardest I've ever cried... I literally screamed. It was like I'd been shot.
I ended up having the biggest panic attack I've ever had at 3AM, and messaged him an upset and angry message. I needed to speak to him... he offered to speak on the phone. On the fucking phone. I told him that I deserved better than a stupid and immature phone call. He was so cowardly, which is not who I thought he was at all. He literally said that he'd never felt so appreciated or loved or cared about before when we were together, yet I didn't get an appreciative break up whatsoever. I still don't understand why.
The next day he came over and we talked it through. It was okay.
That's the first time I've ever had my heart broken, and even though it could've been a healthy break up and could've gone smoothly and as well as a break up can go, it was spiteful and traumatising.

And now... we come to the small things that piss me off lately. It isn't that much, but given my mental state, it doesn't take much to set me off; be it angry, upset, numb, etc. I have a dom and as always, most of my friends are male. Well... I really only talk to three people. They're all male. My dom, my housemate and another friend. My housemate I can trust completely with anything, he's saved me from a suicide attempt before. And yet lately he's been saying nothing but sexual things. About how he's sexually frustrated and would love to have sex with me. It's the same with my dom... he seems to think that fucking would help me, he's only ever visited me once without having sex with me. He's just always thinking about it and I'm so sick of it. I've tried to tell him that I'm not in the mood, that I'm too upset, but he always thinks it'll cheer me up. It doesn't. It just makes me numb, makes me disassociate and think that's all I'm good for. My other friend is a little better... but he still mentions sex now and again. Or just doesn't talk to me.

I am so lonely and lost, so sick and tired of being treated this way. I can't make new friends so I am stuck with these people and it's so exhausting. I am just so ready to die.
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Old 04-11-16, 10:15 AM   #2
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Hey there,

You've been through a lot. I don't have much advice to give, but as a fellow BPD sufferer (it's gotten better)/former self-harmer/chronic depressive I know how hard it is to get through, nevermind how much abuse you've endured. You don't deserve any of it, and you are deserving of attention and love without any strings attached. I'm sorry you had to fight yourself for it growing up and for what your grandpa did to you. I'm sorry you've been surrounded with such shitty people who have taken advantage of you, but I am proud that you are still living and trying to cope with it. You are very strong!

I can totally understand why you would have an aversion to men after how so many of them have treated you. I am not sure what advice if any I can give about your current roommate situation, because it's not an option to move out unless you have the resources, though I'd definitely say to get out or find new flat mates (female would be best) when you can because it sounds like another dangerous/toxic place to be for you. He should NOT be treating you like that. Do you have a lock on your personal room? If so I would try to avoid him as much as possible until you can find a way out. If he tried to approach you and ask about sex, say "no, I don't want that" very clear and adamantly. If he asks again, say "Didn't you hear me say no?". I have never been in that situation before so I'm not sure how to handle it, but yeah...assert yourself as much as you possibly can and be clear and concise with your language. I don't know how you feel about police but if he ever did anything to you or if it continues to escalate, you should definitely contact them.

If you can't spend time with your dom without having sex then it sounds like a bad situation too. :/ You don't deserve to be used like that. When you're treated like shit all your life it's difficult to separate yourself from the negative things, but yeah...he sounds shitty and like he needs to gtfo because you're too good for that.

Is there a reason you don't click with other females, or have you just not had the chance to make a lot of female friends? Are you in school or do you have any place to meet them? Is there no one else you feel comfortable with calling if you feel unsafe--what about the other friend you mentioned?

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I hope you find people who will love and care about you and treat you with respect like you absolutely deserve. Their shitty behavior is on them and it has nothing to do with you because you seem like a very sane person who just wants to be treated right. Please hang in there.

Love your icon btw!! If you ever want another online friend to talk to feel free to talk to me on here. I love art like that and guro art too and I need more friends too! Lmk if I can be of support to you.
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Old 04-11-16, 05:17 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by izbits View Post
Hey there,

You've been through a lot. I don't have much advice to give, but as a fellow BPD sufferer (it's gotten better)/former self-harmer/chronic depressive I know how hard it is to get through, nevermind how much abuse you've endured. You don't deserve any of it, and you are deserving of attention and love without any strings attached. I'm sorry you had to fight yourself for it growing up and for what your grandpa did to you. I'm sorry you've been surrounded with such shitty people who have taken advantage of you, but I am proud that you are still living and trying to cope with it. You are very strong!

I can totally understand why you would have an aversion to men after how so many of them have treated you. I am not sure what advice if any I can give about your current roommate situation, because it's not an option to move out unless you have the resources, though I'd definitely say to get out or find new flat mates (female would be best) when you can because it sounds like another dangerous/toxic place to be for you. He should NOT be treating you like that. Do you have a lock on your personal room? If so I would try to avoid him as much as possible until you can find a way out. If he tried to approach you and ask about sex, say "no, I don't want that" very clear and adamantly. If he asks again, say "Didn't you hear me say no?". I have never been in that situation before so I'm not sure how to handle it, but yeah...assert yourself as much as you possibly can and be clear and concise with your language. I don't know how you feel about police but if he ever did anything to you or if it continues to escalate, you should definitely contact them.

If you can't spend time with your dom without having sex then it sounds like a bad situation too. :/ You don't deserve to be used like that. When you're treated like shit all your life it's difficult to separate yourself from the negative things, but yeah...he sounds shitty and like he needs to gtfo because you're too good for that.

Is there a reason you don't click with other females, or have you just not had the chance to make a lot of female friends? Are you in school or do you have any place to meet them? Is there no one else you feel comfortable with calling if you feel unsafe--what about the other friend you mentioned?

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I hope you find people who will love and care about you and treat you with respect like you absolutely deserve. Their shitty behavior is on them and it has nothing to do with you because you seem like a very sane person who just wants to be treated right. Please hang in there.

Love your icon btw!! If you ever want another online friend to talk to feel free to talk to me on here. I love art like that and guro art too and I need more friends too! Lmk if I can be of support to you.
What I don't understand is why it's so easy to meet abusive or horrible people and yet so difficult to meet genuine kind people that actually care and won't hurt you. It's so frustrating.
In terms of the room mate situation, I know he'd never actually try to pursue anything; if he did then that's extremely out of character and I'd be shocked to say the least. But it's just upset me because he's usually respectful and doesn't mention that, for me it's purely platonic. I wish I had the strength to tell him to back off with remarks like that.
My dom is a weird one. I'm really unsure if he manipulates me or not... he does seem to genuinely care, but then it reverts back to sex. We have had some good conversations where he's given me strong advice and told me stories of what he's been through to make me feel like I'm not alone, but I don't know. He's very unreadable and that makes me nervous.
I'm not in school, no. I have a part time job in London. It's not hard to meet people here, but it's very hard to make solid connections. I don't enjoy clubbing and I'm either too anxious to go out to socialise or I don't have anyone to go with. My room mate doesn't enjoy going out to meet new people so I have no one to go with, and I'm much too anxious to go it alone. find it hard to make connections online as well. When it comes to conversation, I have to really, really try hard to keep it flowing. It's an exhausting task for me.
Also, I really enjoy guro. I've started practising my own guro artwork, it needs a lot of work but hopefully I'll improve as time goes by.
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Old 04-12-16, 12:24 PM   #4
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Men seem to have reputation of wanting sex, and sex only... But you know that not all of as are like that, right?

So, here's what I think on your current situation:

- As far as roommate thing goes, I'd tell him to back off on it. Seriously, sometimes you just have to say no. Then, again, I have no problem confronting people, I tell what I think, and it often turns around and bites me, so I'm not sure how much you should listen to me :P I just think, if it upsets you, you should tell him. So many time I wish people were honest with me and just told me the truth, but ehhhhh...

- Abbout dom thing, I have no fucking idea. Seriously...

Quote:
What I don't understand is why it's so easy to meet abusive or horrible people and yet so difficult to meet genuine kind people that actually care and won't hurt you. It's so frustrating.
There is truth in this. You can say most men are abusive assholes who only want sex. I can say most girls are spoiled bitches who think they are much better than everyone else. You know, the ones with "Don't you dare look at me" attitude.

You see, people who care are difficult to find. First of all, they are rare. A lot of people are way too shallow to even understand other's emotions. And society supports that kind of people. And if you aren't like them, you're an outcast.
Also, something I noticed. Maybe I'm wrong, but most people who are able to care and are genuinly good people are kinda shy. They never stand out in groups, so they are quite easy to overlook. In other words, those horrible people are everywhere and they are trying to be noticed. It's easy to notice someone when he's giving his best to be noticed, isn't it?

So, to sum it all up, I have nothing smart to say
Sorry for that, I just wanted to let you know that I am willing to listen if you want to vent, talk, or whatever
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