Seems like my mood will crash soon. No particular reason, like usual but I can feel it.

We`ll be there to catch you. Remember, you are not alone.

We are there with you my friend

You've been kind to visit my (*cough* set up) thread so I will do the same with yours.

How are you doing recently? Any updates etc.?

And yes despite what you think about yourself there are people here that do regard you at the very least.

My mood is fairly stable at the moment but I don't sleep well lately. I've been having quite a bit of anxiety lately but it's lowering at least. I've hit myself yesterday out of frustration at something but nothing unusual or unexpected. It used to be a whole lot worse back when I was a teenager.

Maybe some thoughts keeping you up at night? I mean sometimes you may feel ok but deep down not so much like the anxiety you are having. Though you sound like you are surviving much better at the very least. You have gone through so much and seems the battle is not over just yet.

I just need to eliviate the pressure my mother is putting on me. Hearing more from my friend would help too, I guess.

My mood crashes a few times a month, usually for a day or two but even during those lows, it's nothing compared to how it was for almost 3 years soon after I cut all treatment 4 years ago. They thought I was faking and through some not so sane twisted thinking, I ended up believing it. I'm scared of going back there, I shouldn't have survived it in the first place. The odds would be non-existent the 2nd time around. When I really want to hurt myself though, I think about those thoughts. I know I'm playing with fire when I do that but sometimes I just want to torture myself and don't care about the risks. It's rare though.

If you are scared to go back there, then by all means don't.
I know you would like to hear more from your friend. You are pretty damn strong in some way to still hang onto to that friendship.

Once you get going with your own career/school path the pressure will definitely lessen over time. Think of directional goals as proportional to amount of maternal pressure placed on you.

Hopefully you don't or want to torture yourself anytime soon.

Though what's really positive as I am reading is that your mood does not dip so low as often as before.

Hey LL how are you doing today? Again thanks for hugs :)
Do you remember anything at all you used to like, or like doing before and would not mind trying again?
Example: if I get another desktop or laptop I think I will try gaming again - I want to revisit good memories if any for a change! Just don't know if I can play old PC games on it or need a simulator etc.
Yes you may stick your tongue at me for this post

To be honest, I've always had a hard time finding pleasure in anything. Happiness has always been elusive for me.

As far as PC goes, it's usually quite easy to replay old games. As long as they were mildly popular, there's usually someone at some point that patched it to work on more modern systems and if it's really old, 20-30 years old, Dos-Box can usually get it working. Otherwise, for something in the mid 90s or newer, you can usually find them on GoG or sometimes steam. Sometimes you need to find small fixes to work well but it usually is solved easily if you look at the forums of that particular game wherever you acquired it. For example, games from 2000 to 2008 often require you to go to the sound panel and activate old plugins that are no longer used for the ingame sound to work or to simply plug in a microphone.