We are almost in the same boat, minus the pills. If not for cannabis I don't think I would have any sanity at all. But I also take it for my epilepsy because pills for epilepsy are far too dangerous for me to want to take.
But anyway, my point of view... why do you think you are a loser? because you cant find work? That doesn't make you a loser. I know a lot of people with high paying jobs that I consider truly losers. You are nothing like my father. I wish I could take you to his house and show you how he lives, so you could see how much different you are from someone like that.
Just... thinking about your actions is HUGE. You obviously think about your actions enough to post this message. A lot of people wouldn't have done that.
I know it's hard to see it when you look at yourself, but I personally do not think you are a loser at all. I thought I was a loser throughout my childhood, and maybe I was in some people's eyes, but they are so different... so in reality, I think sometimes that they are the losers, and I am the normal one.
Maybe it's a lie, maybe it isn't. I don't know but it seems logical.
To some degree, you have to be like "fuck it" because if you take things too seriously, you would probably still be depressed either way... so I guess just try to keep a sense of humor. It's hard but just breathe.
It's a load of crap coming from me because I don't do any of that. I'm hard on myself too... even though I am saying this now, won't make any difference. *DEEP PUFF*
Hope you feel better soon Venom.