i'm sick of this
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i'm sick of this

This is a discussion on i'm sick of this within the Venting forums, part of the Feeding the Fire category; [rant] i must say i'm not usually like this usually i'm better than this i get random episodes dof depression ...

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Old 06-18-09, 07:00 AM   #1
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i must say i'm not usually like this usually i'm better than this i get random episodes dof depression for as long as i can remember but on some days i get enough courage to do something worthwhile and to talk to friends i'm not particularly close to my friends infact i don't think some even think of me as a friend but i still talk to them just casual conversation about their day and the weather and all that but i've never really had anyone to talk to i've only began to talk to other people in the past couple of years before that i'm too scared of other people my own bloddy classmates that i wouldn't even say anything if they talk to me at least now i have people to talk to and i'm not as afraid

i thought i've learned to work with other pepole and i've thought i've learned to appreciate what i have and stop being hard on my self for what i can't do but i keep getting these periods of depression and i get angry at myself for all the stupid things i've said and all the lost opportunities and at times like this i stoopped doing everything and i don't even have the courage to talk with anyone all these years and i'm still hopeless at life i have no goal have no friends have no inspiration no activity nothing i'm studying overseas and im crap at all my subjects and i'm failing my parents as well

my parents won't listen to me i tried ot tell them it's not easy communicating with others or making friends and they just yell at me to try harder well it's not easy it never gets easy i'm so angry at myself i'm so weak i'm a coward they were right i'm such a failure it seems i get thwarted at everything i try at everything i do when i talk to friends sometimes i just randomly forget what i was going to say and theres a moment of awkwad silence it's oppressive i keep thinking about all these times i've failed and i'm so angry the only that calms me down is i have to destroy something or hurt someone and i feel like this at school and i can't control it and i end up throwing chairs and hitting myself and i look even worse in front of everyone i can't talk about this to anyone i just need to say something i try to keep it in but i can't contorl it its not working i have to let it out i'm sorry for this i cant talk about this to anyone this is the only place

i wish i could go back tell myself to bedcome a better person if i'm not usch a coward with other people if i'm not so weak if i can keep up a conversation with other people if i can think quicker so i wouldn't do so bad on the exams and i wouldn't look like such a fool infront of everyone it's all wishful thinking i looked up at the stars and i see possibilities and i look back at myself and i realize its all delusion i'm deluding myself i try to keep a positive attitude but its like there's a battle inside me and it's never ending i want my good side my adventurous side my compassionate side to win but the battle is never ending and i'm sick of it i'm sick of this i'm sick of this i'm sick of this

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Old 06-22-09, 01:29 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 13,622

it sounds really frustrating, smoke. ..
are you going to any kind of therapy?
try to hang in there, it sounds like you've made some progress, at least?
i hope talking to us a bit will help . ..

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