I can't cope with everyday life anymore to the point even when I'm feeling happy or just neutral I'm still plagued with bad thoughts. I'm scared to go outside, especially at night and I'm really close to pushing everyone away to live life by myself, alone and unbothered by the compulsory social niceties you have to comply with daily.
I used to be so social and love meeting new people and learning from and about them. I've always been shy, but now it's shyness mixed with a huge dose of anxiety. My body shuts down and I disassociate, going on auto pilot. People think I'm good at socialising still and that I 'don't seem that shy', but they have no idea what's going on inside my head. I'm not one to show any emotion so even my closest friend doesn't always believe that my anxiety is that bad. I don't get panic attacks often, it's all very internalised so it's hard for me to make anyone understand that I really struggle in many situations. My reaction is to emotionally shut off and just run off of what I've learned through social situations.
But I've become so tired and bored of it all that I'm just so unbothered, even when it comes to seeing family whom I'm really close with. But my biggest issue is with men. I'm a young woman and I'm already really tired of men, from what I've experienced 98% are awful, awful people.
I don't mean to offend anyone - this is just what I've gathered and how I feel, I've met some lovely guys, my best friend is a man but good ones are so rare to come across. I'm 20 and I've lived 18 years of my life living with an emotionally abusive man, to then move out and be in some scary situations of which have all been because of men. I was bullied by boys in school and I've been constantly manipulated by men, especially this year and the end of last year. Men are literally the butt of ALL of my problems. They're a reason I'm scared of going outside because street harassment is literally a daily thing for me. If I ignore it they insult me, if I politely reject them they insult me, if I lash out they insult me. There's no way to win. I've almost been beaten by a man because I told him I didn't appreciate him catcalling me.
And then, when I go to vent about it on social media, what happens? Men complain. They don't care that I was threatened and put in fear for my safety, they don't care that I could've been in a seriously dangerous situation, they just want to make their ever increasingly weak point of 'not all men are like that!'. Yeah. I know. But most of you are, especially the one who say that. The good men usually sit back and listen to what I have to say because they understand that their gender is made up of mostly misogynistic, egotistical boneheads that literally beat, rape and murder women all because of rejection.
I'm sick of going outside because everytime without fail I get harassed. I'm sick of going online because if I say or do anything, a man comes along and acts like his opinion is important. He treats women like we're nothing. I'm so tired of them. I used to absolutely love sex, it's a wonderful thing but I've been sex repulsed for getting on a month now which is not like me at all. I am the opposite of that, but every single time a man crawls his way my ears with his crap I shrivel up and become horrendously turned off. Even with men I've previously slept with and found ridiculously attractive, I don't have it in me anymore to be able to enjoy anything sexual, not even a general conversation about it.
So, this isn't about all men but it is about the majority. Please stop.