Angry and Scared
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Angry and Scared

This is a discussion on Angry and Scared within the Venting forums, part of the Feeding the Fire category; I'm angry at myself. I've made alot of stupid mistakes over the years....and most especally recently.....that make me feel like ...

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Old 06-28-09, 09:10 AM   #1
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 342
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I'm angry at myself. I've made alot of stupid mistakes over the years....and most especally recently.....that make me feel like I'm being less of a responsible adult then when I was a young adult/kid.

I've been reading about certain members and their problems with their kids and that was never me growing up. I was a good girl growing up but over the years as I aged, I've gotten into more trouble now then I was in as a kid.

I feel like I'm on self-destruct. That I'm digging myself such a deep hole with all the problems I've created for myself that I could bury myself in it. I'm in so much trouble I need to file for bankruptcy to get out of it but can't file till I get some money and I can't work because they'll garnish my wages. How the hell did I get myself into this mess? I'm so angry and disappointed in myself. I'm not being responsible for myself like I should. I know that part of the reason that I'm in some of these messes is because of my mental illness but I can't use that excuse forever. At some point, I got to own up to what I've done and deal with it.

I'm scared too. Terrified in fact. I'm out of money and these posts could be my last ones for a long time. I have to give up my cable/phone and internet because I'm so poor right now I may not be able to afford even my meds for long.

Now I've got a retirement money from my last job coming in October but until then I'm broke. If things get to much worst I'll have to start selling things like my computer. I don't want to but I may have to and this makes me angry too. I need my computer and I need the internet to come here to talk to someone. Anyone. Because I have no family or friends to rely on and you guys are pretty much it for me. It scares me that I'm loosing you guys. I know I could go to the library and post but I'll only get an hour on their computers. It takes me an hour just to read past posts. How am I to keep up?

I'm angry and I'm scared. I feel like a screw up but I know that everyone will say we all make mistakes. That's true but I'm still angry and I'm still scared. Loosing my internet, phone and cable will make me feel less normal and more isolated.

I hate myself for getting myself into this situation. Why can't I be more level headed and responsible and talented like my older brother Darrel. He's worked for the mayor of my city and owns a big house and had a family and I've got nothing to show for my life. Only difference between him and me right now is that I've never abused anybody and he has---his entire family.

I'm scared because I owe alot of money to creditors and I fear I'll end up in jail or something. Can they do that to you? Send you to jail if you can't pay them back? See I don't even know that for sure.

I'm such a stupid fuck. I just do. I never think of the consequences of my actions. Maybe I deserve to go to jai. Maybe it'll be the thing I need to scare me into doing what's right by me instead of pissing my life away and screwing up all the time and staying stuck in my mental problems. Or maybe it'll just push me over the edge and I'll follow thru on one of my suicidual thoughts.

I'm scared.
Les Miserables is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-09, 09:57 PM   #2
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
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is there any way for you to get help from your community? i know in my city i have social services i could go on for my mental illness. and that there are lots of agencies out there who will try and help.. im sorry you are in such a mess, i feel like im digging myself into a hole as well. i just can't seem to stop.
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Old 06-29-09, 09:24 AM   #3
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thegreyone View Post
is there any way for you to get help from your community? i know in my city i have social services i could go on for my mental illness. and that there are lots of agencies out there who will try and help.. im sorry you are in such a mess, i feel like im digging myself into a hole as well. i just can't seem to stop.
That's how I feel like I can't control my own actions. Alot of times I seem totally oblivious to what I'm doing until it's to late and then I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

Right now, I'm in contact with alot of agencies like Vocational Rehab to try and find me a job but they have to go thru all my medical files to find something I'm capable of doing. That takes time and I don't feel I'm in a position mentally to make that decision alone right now. I've gone to welfare for my meds once already but I left feeling that I shouldn't of come the first time.

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. That's why I'm so scared. I've got a million things coming at me at once. All these little things I've got to make decisions on and do to get my life together and it's overwhelming me. I just don't want to fall apart under the pressure of being expected by others to do things I can't deliver right away. Like with not being able to pay my bills. I'm under so much pressure from that, that I get panic attacks. I've got creditors harshing me and threatening me and I can't take it. I need relief but there is only so much some agencies can do to help me.

I'm totally alone in this mess. With no family or friends to support or help me I feel very isolated in a hostile world.

Sorry for rambling. I probably not making much sense. I have alot to deal with and feeling I don't have much option to turn to anymore and I'm terrified. Then I feel guilty because I know there are people here and in the rest of the world that have it so much worst then me and I feel I'm just whining like a baby. I just can't win.
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