I'm angry at myself. I've made alot of stupid mistakes over the years....and most especally recently.....that make me feel like I'm being less of a responsible adult then when I was a young adult/kid.
I've been reading about certain members and their problems with their kids and that was never me growing up. I was a good girl growing up but over the years as I aged, I've gotten into more trouble now then I was in as a kid.
I feel like I'm on self-destruct. That I'm digging myself such a deep hole with all the problems I've created for myself that I could bury myself in it. I'm in so much trouble I need to file for bankruptcy to get out of it but can't file till I get some money and I can't work because they'll garnish my wages. How the hell did I get myself into this mess? I'm so angry and disappointed in myself. I'm not being responsible for myself like I should. I know that part of the reason that I'm in some of these messes is because of my mental illness but I can't use that excuse forever. At some point, I got to own up to what I've done and deal with it.
I'm scared too. Terrified in fact. I'm out of money and these posts could be my last ones for a long time. I have to give up my cable/phone and internet because I'm so poor right now I may not be able to afford even my meds for long.
Now I've got a retirement money from my last job coming in October but until then I'm broke. If things get to much worst I'll have to start selling things like my computer. I don't want to but I may have to and this makes me angry too. I need my computer and I need the internet to come here to talk to someone. Anyone. Because I have no family or friends to rely on and you guys are pretty much it for me. It scares me that I'm loosing you guys. I know I could go to the library and post but I'll only get an hour on their computers. It takes me an hour just to read past posts. How am I to keep up?
I'm angry and I'm scared. I feel like a screw up but I know that everyone will say we all make mistakes. That's true but I'm still angry and I'm still scared. Loosing my internet, phone and cable will make me feel less normal and more isolated.
I hate myself for getting myself into this situation. Why can't I be more level headed and responsible and talented like my older brother Darrel. He's worked for the mayor of my city and owns a big house and had a family and I've got nothing to show for my life. Only difference between him and me right now is that I've never abused anybody and he has---his entire family.
I'm scared because I owe alot of money to creditors and I fear I'll end up in jail or something. Can they do that to you? Send you to jail if you can't pay them back? See I don't even know that for sure.
I'm such a stupid fuck. I just do. I never think of the consequences of my actions. Maybe I deserve to go to jai. Maybe it'll be the thing I need to scare me into doing what's right by me instead of pissing my life away and screwing up all the time and staying stuck in my mental problems. Or maybe it'll just push me over the edge and I'll follow thru on one of my suicidual thoughts.