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My husband is depressed... How do I help him?

This is a discussion on My husband is depressed... How do I help him? within the Troubled Loved Ones forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I agree that you sound amazing, Bubeleh. (My grandma used to say that word - so cute!). What a great ...

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Old 05-24-12, 11:23 AM   #11
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I agree that you sound amazing, Bubeleh. (My grandma used to say that word - so cute!). What a great idea to find all of his friends and bring them together to lend support.

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it is that person inside that needs us and that person inside that we are supporting.
I hope a lot of his friends realize this too. It can be hard and confusing to not be treated as you'd expect. Lots of understanding and patience is needed - and you do have that.

I just wanted to agree with everything you said. I think you will be able to explain it to his friends perfectly. I don't think most people think to separate the person from the depression. Depression is not who they are - it's a separate thing that has invaded them and takes over. Maybe it will help them to try and see it that way.
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Old 05-24-12, 12:26 PM   #12
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@Andrew- Oh! Sorry for assuming. I don't know many gay people, so I don't quickly assume that there is a chance that someone is gay. I apologize if you took offense.

Typically, I have a negative reaction to hospitals too, at least for surgeries and physical illness. However, the success stories for people that have gone to a hospital for mental reasons far outweigh those that have complaint. The only negative mental hospitalization story that I have ever heard was from my old friend Chris when I was in junior high school. He went to Kids Peace, and apparantly he got into a lot of fights. Still, that institution is not a hospital, so I can only imagine that this place he is going to will provide him a success story like all the others I've heard, and I'll be so grateful when he is given leave to go and I see him enjoying his life. At the hospital, what did they do for you that really helped? You seemed to say it was really good for you, too, and I was wondering what kinds of things they do for you there- what the recreation was like, if it has a generally comfortable environment, etc.

@Dawn- Awww, thanks! You're really sweet. I really do hope that he will be glad for the support once he starts to resurface... I really want it to be good for him. If you think the way I worded it is a good way to explain it to his friends, perhaps I can show his friends that full post. Do you think it would help them? Thanks for your support. You're really nice.

Also, if anyone has a Facebook and wants to give my husband your support, I made a fanpage for him (with an adorable picture of him from when he was 13, so his high school friends would recognize him ). When he gets out of the hospital, I want it to be covered in words of encouragement and uplifting quotes, and I'm hoping it will get a lot of fans to help him out. The URL to the page is: http://www.facebook.com/give.arjun.love If you do choose to support him, I will be so grateful. Thank you, everyone.
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Old 05-24-12, 01:51 PM   #13
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Thanks Bubeleh - you're really nice too :)

Yes, I think it would help his friends to see that post. It explains that he may not be receptive to them at first, and may reject their attempt to be there for him. I like the way you worded the whole thing - it explains a lot, and shows what they might expect, in a very warm and loving way.

His friends might also want to come on TTL and read more about depression, and post their own questions. Maybe give them that option too? For me, I read all about depression online - but I learned the most, and got the most support, from this site.
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Old 05-24-12, 02:09 PM   #14
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Alright, thank you. I would like to direct his friends to this entire site as a whole, but I worry that they would stumble across this entire thread, and I feel that may infringe on my husband's privacy. When my husband comes out of the hospital safe and happy and strong, I don't want his friends to accidentally bring something up that they shouldn't even know about his behaviour before entering the hospital and maybe make him feel bad about it... Do you think that could be risky? Do have any other sites I could recommend to them?
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Old 05-24-12, 02:22 PM   #15
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Yeah maybe you're right. I'm not sure about other sites. I googled 'depression forum' and this was the only one I tried. You're right though - keep this site for you so you can be anonymous and not feel like you can't post things you need to say / ask. I guess if people want more info, they can google and find things themselves.
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Old 05-24-12, 10:35 PM   #16
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Hey littlebubeleh,

Sorry if I muddied the waters there and no, I'm not really offended :=] Seriously, I feel kind of bad about posting what I did because it seems like you are doing such a great job :=] You made a fanpage for him? That is killingly cool. I'm really impressed with your determination and cogency and selflessness.

I'd love to post something on the facebook page you made, too. I'll just have to check out the anonymity of it, because that's a really important thing for me here on this site.

As far as hospital goes, well I guess everyone's story is different, ya know? Ok, that's a bit obvious :=] For me, hospital was a Good Thing (cf. 1066 and All That:) There wasn't any particular 'program' for me when I was there. Occupational therapy happened twice each day, I think. That was usually 'unrelated' stuff like drawing or budgeting or suchlike. That was actually, in retrospect, an important thing- just to keep things a bit more 'normal.' I totally don't mean any offense to anyone by saying that.

The hugest thing about hospital for me were the nursing staff. The doctors, psychiatrists and management were actually a bit of a grind, to be honest. But the nurses rocked :=] I had this amazing woman, whose name I actually forget, who was just so solid and calm and wise. She sat me down one day and we went through one of those inventories for depression. That's pretty much identifying where your moods at (historically) and giving it a numerical value. And I learnt that my anxiety levels are totally huge. That sounds small, but it was a total wake up call.

To be honest with you, the one thing that really really helped was simply being in a safe environment. Presumably, all the staff I encountered knew I was suicidal. And I knew too that it was their job to make sure that didn't happen and walk with me while I found a way through it. Again, that might sounds small but it was huge. Fucking huge, pardon my french :=}

The other patients (what a crap word!) were also really significant. And totally funny at times. There was this wonderfully fat woman who told me that she and her daughter had been diagnosed with a 'Folly Deluxe' and she didn't know what to make of it. I did a double take and realised she meant 'Folie a deux' which is a rarely diagnosed shared psychosis. Because of the population and size of the country I live in and the nature of the diagnosis her daughter was hospitalised in another city. That made things hard for both of them. She explained to me that the only medication she was on was for her 'acids' (stomach acid, I guess.) She did make a serious point of catching my eye every morning when we got meds. She'd poke her tongue out at me, and yeah, I could see the pills that she hadn't swallowed, and ostentatiously spit them out into the nearest litter bin. Yep :=]

I also kindof made friends with this guy called Leo, who was a neo-Nazi. Somehow I actually managed to communicate to him that I was gay. God knows how :=] But he sat me down and explained to me, very seriously, that even though my eyes were brown (which they are) I had blue eyes on the inside. Totally racist crap, I know, but I was struck by his sense of compassion.

Anyway, I'll stop now because this is probably totally not answering your question at all and I'm just meandering :=] I really hope today is a good day for you and also for your husband. Did I mention that I think you're doing an incredibly good job of this? :=]
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Old 05-25-12, 10:57 AM   #17
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Dawn- Alright, thanks a bunch! I'll hafta keep you posted on his progress now, and on the visits. Keep the family in your prayers please.

Andrew- Thanks so much. Just so you know, no one will know where you came from in particular to offer support. His family will assume you are one of my friends or from my family and I will assume that you are part of my husband's family, or a relative of one of my husband's friends or former teachers. No one will bother you about who you are if you offer your support on his page. A couple random people from other countries with the same name as my husband liked his page, presumably because they like themselves. LOL! As long as you don't mention that you know me, there will be no questioning who you are, as then all of us can assume that you are known by some other person.

Your hospital story is pretty fun, actually. I like the characters you met. It must have not only been amusing for you to meet those people, but it probably also put yourself in perspective. "Well, at least I'm not so crazy as that!" would definitely be going through my mind talking with those people, and I would be reassured being able to see how "normal" I am by comparison. I hope my husband will be able to put himself in perspective that way. In a hospital like that, I imagine that he'd be able to see a full range of things- how much WORSE things could be, and also how much BETTER. He'll see people far worse off than himself coming in, and people from all walks of life going out with their lives changed for the better forever. It must be a humbling experience. I hope he doesn't try and act too stubborn to notice.

When you were there, were friends able to visit you? Would seeing some friends now and then have been good for my husband, or do you think it would be more natural that he would feel glad to be separated from the world for awhile? What kind of a reception did you get coming home, and what kind of reception would you have liked?

Sorry about all the questions. Just the more I can learn from others' experiences, the better experience I can provide for my husband. I really love him just so much, and I'm very grateful to you for your help.
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Old 05-25-12, 11:33 AM   #18
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Awwww, my husband talked to his mother today and still refers to me as his wife and says he is looking forward to seeing me when he gets out. That is so encouraging. I just wanted to share. That takes so much weight off of me.
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Old 05-25-12, 12:19 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by littlebubeleh View Post
Awwww, my husband talked to his mother today and still refers to me as his wife and says he is looking forward to seeing me when he gets out. That is so encouraging. I just wanted to share. That takes so much weight off of me.
That's wonderful to hear! I will keep you guys in my prayers.
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Old 05-25-12, 12:23 PM   #20
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He might be able to come home next week! <3
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