Mother of a depressed 25 year old young man
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Depression Forums > Troubled Loved Ones


Mother of a depressed 25 year old young man

This is a discussion on Mother of a depressed 25 year old young man within the Troubled Loved Ones forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Good morning everyone. Just to give a little background. My oldest son, who is 25 years old now, started using ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-01-12, 12:10 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Default Mother of a depressed 25 year old young man

Good morning everyone.

Just to give a little background. My oldest son, who is 25 years old now, started using the internet/gaming when he was about 18 years of age, ever since then he has secluded himself to his room and has really been non-productive in any field. He has not finished his education in the computer science field and I don't know from one day to the next if he is still attending school. There are days when he is suppose to be in school but informs me that classes were either canceled or he has them online, there is no way for me to check up on him since he is no longer a minor.
My husband, who is not his biological father, but has been in my son's life since he was 10 years old, works in the medical field and has diagnosed him as depressed and addicted to gaming which can, and I am sure has, made my son's depression worse. My son just lost eligibility to be covered under our insurance plan because he turned 25 this year. My son has no interest in getting on his own insurance plan, in general he has no interest in anything other than sitting in front of the computer and sleeping. There are days where he sleeps 12 hours and then there are other days where he is an insomniac. He is very overweight and often only eats one large meal a day just to not feel hungry. He doesn't help around the house, has very poor hygiene, doesn't keep his room clean and is generally not involved with any activities. His energy levels are non-existent. He complains of back pain, knee pains and overall physical ill feeling. He doesn't talk much to anyone in this house, gets angry easily and lashes out and is generally not a pleasant person to be around.
I am at a complete loss. Don't really know how to help him, where to start. I constantly remind myself that it's an illness and that it's not my son's fault, however, I do feel angry most of the time that the burden of many of these things have fallen on my shoulder, which in turn leaves me depressed and angry.
This coming week my husband, my daughter and my youngest son are going on a short 4 day vacation. During this time I would like to dedicate myself to trying to figure out how I can help my son make a first step into getting himself better. I would like for him to just make one small step and do something outside of our home. Go out to dinner, motivate him to take a walk perhaps, talk to him about depression which we already have and he's very well aware of it. This young man is incredibly smart and had a lot of us fooled for some time by saying he was just lazy, but we know better now. I wish we had figured this out sooner.
If you all have any other suggestions in regard to how I can help my son to get his life back I would be very appreciative.
In hindsight I should have gotten on this a lot sooner, but I am not going to beat myself up over "what if" but need to deal with this now.
Again, I know it's an illness, I know it's not my son's fault and I definitely don't blame him. I do have to admit saying the wrong things to him before, blaming him for being lazy, for having a temper, I regret that but now need to move forward. All I am interested in is helping my boy.
Thanks in advance,
Dee
fotosbydee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-01-12, 12:55 PM   #2
TTL Bronze Member
 
celery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6,983
Default

Hello Dee and welcome to TTL!

Maybe you should start by talking to your son about his feelings-you know like, 'I am on your side and I know you are going through something that isn't your fault. How can I help? What would you want me to do to support you?' I think talking bit by bit and getting him to open up to you and gain your trust will help you both... You could then suggest he sees a doctor or therapist or a counsellor at school,though I don't know how that works where you are...

So talking to him and helping him to feel safe and not judged will lead to him taking your help and support on board-you may then plan little tasks/goals together and always assure him of your acceptance, love and support.

DeeI can imagine how hard this is for you and even if I say to try not to worry too much,it will not stop you from being worried,but do please try as much as you can to be calm and to believe that there is help out there for you both and for your family. You'd need to find some support network for yourself too(glad you've found TTL already),so that you don't get frustrated and take it out on him and also so the illness does not take you all down

Keep talking on here and I hope you feel less alone soon... I will write more if anything else comes to mind.

Edit: Could you speak with the school about this to see if they could help him in anyway? He may be scared and overwhelmed by how behind he thinks/knows he is after missing classes for so long...
__________________
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Last edited by celery; 04-01-12 at 01:00 PM.
celery is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-12, 04:21 PM   #3
Experienced Member
 
Dad of 3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,654
Default

The hardest part in this may be that he is 25. He is an adult, and that means he ultimately will need to be the one who decides if he is ready to get some help or not. But I think there are some things you can do that will help him make that decision.

You talk about maybe getting him out to dinner or go for a walk. You are a parent and I'm sure you know there are ways to "suggest" going out for dinner hat gives him no choice. Let him pick the place. And when you are there, do NOT discuss depression (unless he brings it up). Taking him to dinner and bringing depression up as a point of conversation will put him on the defensive and make him feel like he is being lectured to. Ask him some open questions. For example- don't ask "are you still going to school?" because he either will not answer or you will get a one word response. Come at it another way and ask if he is more interested in designing games or being a technician ( or something like that!). Or get him to start talking about something- anythi ng- you know he is passionate about. The point is to get him talking.

Afterwards, maybe if you can get him to go out for a walk or something, then you can approach the depression. Again, try and make it an open conversation. Even if he remains silent let him know you are there and available if he wants to talk. Like I said before, he is ultimately the one who needs to decide when he wants to get help. In a perfect world, he will open up to you, but it may not happen over one meal or one day.

And now the toughest part. If he really resists you may need to put it on the line. Shut him down from the computer if you need to. He may be an adult, but it is still your house. Tell him you will be more than happy to allow him back on as soon as he leaves the house for two hours and comes back and showers. I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes people need to be jolted from being complacent.

You obviously know your son far better than I can. So please understand these are just my thoughts and suggestions. You need to do what is best for you and your family.

One last thing- take care of yourself. It can be easy to get caught up in another persons problems and that can lead you into depression too. Give yourself a break. Good luck.
Dad of 3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-11-12, 03:31 AM   #4
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 14
Default

Quote:
My oldest son, who is 25 years old now, started using the internet/gaming when he was about 18 years of age, ever since then he has secluded himself
It seems like you think the internet is a bad thing. It's wonderful. What would your life be without the internet? Without access to knowledge or entertainment at your fingertips? And why does him being introverted have to be a bad thing. Introverts are thoughtful and bright people. He may not seem like he's accomplishing much, but that seems to be because he is depressed and/or sick.

Quote:
addicted to gaming which can, and I am sure has, made my son's depression worse.
Video games and the internet can be comforting. Unless he is routinely reading information about self-harm or pessimism, the internet simply isn't doing him any harm. He enjoys it; it seems like he has problems and he finds using the computer is something he can actually control and that gives him comfort.

Quote:
He complains of back pain, knee pains and overall physical ill feeling . . . My son just lost eligibility to be covered under our insurance plan because he turned 25 this year. My son has no interest in getting on his own insurance plan, in general he has no interest in anything other than sitting in front of the computer and sleeping.
I highly doubt he would lie to you. These are serious problems that need to be resolved, at least by a new diet and some exercise. In fact, they might be even more serious — you never know. He might even be too stressed out, or sick to help himself. You should talk to him about it, and if you don't know anything about nutrition you should get help from a knowledgeable person (like a Dr. or Nutritionist). If you can afford it, maybe you can pay for his insurance for a while. But that's up to you; he's your son.

Quote:
This coming week my husband, my daughter and my youngest son are going on a short 4 day vacation.
I am curious to why you are not bringing him along. Is he not wanted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dad of 3
Shut him down from the computer if you need to. He may be an adult, but it is still your house.
I think this is the wrong way to treat him. If you want a person to act like an adult, you treat them like an adult, not a child or someone who has no rights. And if you did this, not only would you disrespect him but you would deprive him of the only thing he likes. Think about it.

It is obvious your son has problems, and you are not willing to try to be understanding.

You may not want to hear it, but that's what it sounds like.

I wish you guys the best.

Last edited by AD01L; 05-11-12 at 03:34 AM.
AD01L is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-21-12, 03:57 AM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 275
My Mood:
Default

Stop buying him things and stop buying good food. If you make your house too "comfortable" for him, he won't even think of leaving the nest.

Create a thirst inside of him to get "fed up" with living like that, and he will want to get up himself.
__________________

RepeatingShot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-22-12, 03:31 PM   #6
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 105
My Mood:
Default

Tell him how it makes you feel, show him there is a world out there that can be better than the fantasy computer world. Let him know that you will always be there for him, but he has to do his part too...encourage him to fend for himself for a while, but let him know he will have your support. It's a bit like sending him out on a tightrope but keep showing him that there is a safety net.

Good luck
Shine is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:30 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2