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How can I get through to him?

This is a discussion on How can I get through to him? within the Troubled Loved Ones forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Originally Posted by pinkflamingo nobodyhelpsme and iNdulge - thanks again for your responses. I may well end up linking him ...

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Old 06-13-14, 06:09 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkflamingo View Post
nobodyhelpsme and iNdulge - thanks again for your responses. I may well end up linking him to this forum (or similar), and I do agree that I can't give him all the support he needs on my own. Since he doesn't seem to want to talk at the moment, though, I think I'll hold off til he's in a more receptive mood before I bring up the suggestion.
This makes no sense. He is not talking to you but he reading your messages. So dropping the link now would be the ideal time.
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Old 06-18-14, 07:10 PM   #12
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Hi again. Just an update. I was doing quite well in holding off contact for a while and trying to give him some space. He didn't make any attempt to contact me during this time, although (apart from right at the beginning) it has always been fairly rare for him to initiate our conversations so I wasn't sure if this was a sign that he didn't want to talk to me, or that nothing had changed.

Anyway, not having spoken to him properly for several weeks I was becoming a bit worried and wanted to know how he was, so I gave him a ring this morning to say hi. Like last time, he was distant and didn't have much to say, and the call ended very quickly. He didn't seem particularly glad to hear from me, and although there was so much I wanted to say to him, once he was there on the line my mind went blank and I couldn't express myself properly. I think I'm so conscious that I need to choose my words carefully so I don't make him feel worse that I end up unable to say anything worthwhile at all.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to annoy him or push him away, and I don't want to seem 'needy' or anything, but I'm not going to deny that I like knowing what he's up to for my own peace of mind. I really care about him. But as QueenMeemz said, he's an adult and I can't expect him to change or act a particular way just for my benefit. I feel like maybe I'm being selfish or unreasonable here. Am I?

The thing is, having lived abroad and travelled, many of my friends are scattered all around the world and I know how difficult it can be to maintain a friendship when you're leading totally separate lives in different time zones. You need to make an effort to stay in touch regularly, because sadly it's very easy for a previously amazing relationship to just fizzle out. I really don't want this to happen with us, but it is looking like things might end up going that way. It doesn't seem healthy to force it if it's not what he wants, though.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous and overthinking this whole situation. Perhaps I don't even feature on his radar right now as he has so much else on his mind. For all I know, I'm completely unimportant to him. But even so, I really just want him to be okay ... yet in order to know how he is, I need to be in contact with him.

I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is. nobodyhelpsme, maybe I should link him to this forum and I can see why you think now would be the ideal time. However, I like knowing I can come and use it, so I'm going to hold on to it for a bit longer. It's quite therapeutic to vent anonymously on here. I hope you won't see this as me withholding a potential source of help from him, because that's the last thing I would want to do.
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Old 06-19-14, 07:25 AM   #13
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Hello Pinkflamingo, very touched to see your post, as a person who experiences depression from love, family, health, and life, I know how it feels, please do not give up on him, all he needs is love and care, he just doesn't know how to express it, his silence shows the answer.
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Old 06-28-14, 08:16 AM   #14
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I'm worried that I might be losing him. I hadn't tried to phone him since I last posted, but I decided to give him a call today because I wanted to know how he was doing and just have some contact with him.

This call lasted less than three minutes and he said right out that he didn't want to talk about himself. He asked me a few questions about how I was, and then it was clear he wanted to go. I told him that I hoped he'd stay in touch, and that I miss him, but he went quiet when I said this and didn't respond.

I don't know what to do. This is someone I care about deeply and the thought of him hurting causes me pain, too. I can't forget about him, but it feels like he's drifting away and soon will just disappear completely. Our connection is so tenuous now - he could easily delete me from Facebook and block me from Skype, and that would be it. I'd have no other way of knowing about him. But then, I'm not sure if he actually wants me as a friend any more.

I really miss him and I wish I could do something. He deserves so much more than the situation he's in.
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Old 07-10-14, 09:18 AM   #15
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I feel a bit ridiculous coming back here to vent, but this is the only place I can do so since I haven't told anyone else about this situation. I realise I probably sound quite melodramatic, though.

I've not spoken to him for a couple of weeks now, which has been hard as it's very tempting just to give him a ring and say hello. I know that he'd probably respond in the same way he has the last few times, though, and I really don't want that - partly for selfish reasons, as I don't like the feeling that I'm intruding on him when my company's not wanted, and also because ... well, I don't want to intrude if I'm not wanted as this might make him feel bad, and I would hate to do that to him. Although, maybe inadvertently I am, anyway?

I sent him a message last week just updating him on how I'm doing, and what I've been up to since I returned home. It felt very one-sided, as it was, although I did ask him some vague open-ended questions of the sort that don't necessarily require a response (I didn't get one, as predicted). Is that a weird thing to do? I can't think of any other way to show him that I'm still thinking of him and that I care about him, though, and I really don't want to cut off all contact - even if at the moment it feels like it's just me shouting into an abyss.

I also find myself replaying our conversations and meetings, and trying to think of what I could have said or done differently ... as if there really could have been one pivotal moment in which I somehow changed everything for the better. Like ... if I'd told him how much he means to me at that point rather than that point, or if I'd hugged him for longer when he seemed so hopeless, or if instead of leaving I'd turned my car around and told him that actually I wasn't going anywhere ... I do wonder if I could have done more for him, and whether the actions I took instead contributed to how things are now.

I guess this is just unrequited, somewhat inappropriate and slightly confused love, really. Having always been fairly rational and unromantic up to this point, I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. I'd appreciate some brutal honesty here - please tell me how pathetic I'm being, if that's what you think, because right now I'm not sure if I'm going a bit mad here or if this is a normal way to feel.
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Old 07-13-14, 09:05 AM   #16
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Spoke to him very briefly on Facebook chat - he didn't want to talk on the phone, but he did respond to my questions (even if it was mostly with 'yes' or 'no' rather than anything more detailed). I'll take anything at the moment ... I'm just so relieved that he hasn't cut me off entirely. I hope he knows how much I'm on his side.

Last edited by pinkflamingo; 07-13-14 at 09:08 AM.
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Old 07-14-14, 11:48 AM   #17
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I know I keep posting and it's becoming more like a diary than a discussion, but I saw this on my Facebook feed and thought some of you here might find it helpful: How to understand and speak to a depressed person | KSL.com If anyone has any comments / disagrees with it, I'd be interested to hear!
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Old 07-20-14, 06:02 PM   #18
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Another addition to my string of posts. I called him this morning as it had been about three weeks, which is one of the longest stretches we've gone without talking in the year we've known one another. This call lasted ten minutes but it was really strained. Basically, I don't think I'm helping him by trying to stay in contact. So far, he's been too polite to tell me outright not to call again, but I got the impression that if I persist that's what he'll say.

I know there's nothing I can do from here but I always assumed that talking would help, especially as he's alone and doesn't have a lot of support. Apparently not though, it just makes him feel worse. I really don't want to make him feel worse and I'm sort of appalled if that's what I've done.

I told him that I didn't want to lose him, and that I care about him, and he said thanks but right now he doesn't have anything to say. He said maybe we can talk again if things go better for him. I tried to tell him that I am here for him however he's feeling, and I'll listen to him even when things aren't going well.

I was so worried about saying the wrong thing that I even made some notes in advance (using some of the advice given on the link I posted above), just so I had something to refer to, as recently my mind has tended to go blank and I've ended up not expressing most of the things I wanted to tell him.

So that's about it. I'm not helping by trying to keep the contact going. I hate the thought of him there on his own, probably eating nothing and not leaving the house very often, but I can't do anything about it. He must know how much I care, but that's just not enough. I don't know what he needs, but clearly I can't provide it.

What should I do? I promised myself I wouldn't give up on him, and I don't want to, but there's nothing practical I can give him right now. I can't solve his problems. I can only listen to him and offer emotional support, but he doesn't want that at the moment. Do I back off for a while and wait to see if he decides he'd like to talk to me again someday in the future? What if he doesn't? Do I need to let him go?

I would really appreciate some advice or insight, as I've no idea what he must be thinking and feeling right now and I'd like to try and understand.
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Old 08-15-14, 10:15 AM   #19
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I just found some photos from one of the few times we were together in person and they made me smile but also sort of knocked the breath out of me with the strength of feeling they caused. God, I really need to get over this, don't I? Sorry, I know that's melodramatic, but this is the only place I can be so ridiculous.
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Old 09-13-14, 11:36 AM   #20
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I've not spoken to him properly for a while but I still think about him a lot. I know that recently he went on a short trip to his home country to go to a wedding, so I sent him a message after he returned asking how it had gone. I was hoping he'd have reconnected with some friends and perhaps family members there and that they'd have helped him feel more positive about things. However, he sent me a very brief reply saying "got hurt, bad mood, talk to you later."

He's always been fairly vague about his background so that sort of message isn't unusual, but of course it got me really worried about him because I can imagine what he means by 'bad mood' and if he's back in his apartment on his own now he's probably not doing well. I also absolutely hate the idea of him hurting any more than he already is.

I called him yesterday and he answered but the line wasn't great and I couldn't really hear him. I tried to ask him what had happened, but I'm not sure if he heard me or chose to ignore my question, as he just said he'd talk to me later and then hung up. I've tried ringing a couple more times although he hasn't answered, as expected.

So now I'm back to my standard dilemma of desperately wanting to talk to him and find out how he is, whilst at the same time not wanting to come across as too intense in case I push him away. He must know that I'll always be here for him, but I guess he needs something I can't provide. I just really think that talking about your problems with someone is a step forward ... even if I can't solve them for him, surely sharing what he's going through would be a way to release some of the tension, and at the very least feel less alone. Since he doesn't seem to want to do this I'm once again at a bit of a loss.

I wish so much that I could be there with him in person to give him a hug.
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