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Does your loved one lose affection for you when depressed

This is a discussion on Does your loved one lose affection for you when depressed within the Troubled Loved Ones forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Gosh, 1066, I hope for you all that she does. Is there anything you can do to help facilitate her ...

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Old 11-12-09, 01:02 AM   #11
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Gosh, 1066, I hope for you all that she does. Is there anything you can do to help facilitate her recovery in this time? I know patience and unconditional love are keys, but sometimes there are other things... It seems from my perspective like having a spouse such as you would be one of the greatest gifts a person could have in life. Spouses of depressed people who are still strong and keeping the relationship alive are so precious and so rare... that I know of.

Have you looked into any resources like groups for depressed people and/or their supporting partners? As I have said in other posts the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance is a possible avenue for spousal support and greater understanding. There are likely other places for similar help.

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: Improving the Lives of People Living with Mood Disorders

I wish I could help more.
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Old 11-12-09, 01:24 AM   #12
 
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Hi hottea

My wife is very reluctant to learn or find out anything about her condition - I think she basically wants to take her meds and wait for the recovery to start. I have suggested she reads some of the things I have read but she just doesn't want too and can't really explain why and I don't want to push her - I have joined a forum here in the UK as well where others have stated the link between loss of affection and depression - these forums are helping me immensely

Just by adding your comments and stating that the loss of affection can be a symptom of depression has helped the more people that say the same thing the more confident I will get - I know you can never be sure but it really does seem to be linked to her illness
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Old 11-12-09, 01:34 AM   #13
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The DBSA probably won't be of great help to you over in the UK. You may be able to email them and ask the same question. I wasn't sure where you were in the world so I figured it was worth a try. I have found them helpful for resources like what you seek in the USA.

It is funny you should say your wife is reluctant to do anything about the condition beyond taking medicine for it. I found the same to be true of my x-husband when we were coming towards the end of things. I imagine that is also a sign of depression. I wish you the best in your search for confirmation and personal affirmation in this struggle.
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Old 11-12-09, 01:45 AM   #14
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Something to note... a man in his late 50's that I am acquainted with through his work spoke with me last week about his wife's depression. He said that they eventually saw a naturopathic doctor- possibly a DO instead of an MD, and that she took all sorts of tests on the levels of minerals in his wife's body. They found that her depression went hand in hand with a severe case of anemia, and once that (and maybe other mineral deficiencies?) were corrected, she is much better. He said that alone made her a much happier person, almost like a different lady.

This was the first time I had heard anybody else talk about a mineral imbalance contributing to depression. I experienced a mineral imbalance depression that was very very severe when I was 19 years old. I only discovered that was my problem and fixed it by the luck of deciding to take a liquid mineral supplement as I was searching for lifestyle or personal changes to make to feel better. For me it was like going from the darkness of pitch black night to a bright warm summer day in a matter of minutes. It was the most dramatic mood shift I can remember ever having, based specifically off of that supplement alone.

Minerals might be something to look in to on top of all the other things I know you are doing already.
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Old 11-12-09, 03:02 AM   #15
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I would say she does sometimes because she thinks it's a put on on my part to get attention, but when I have a bonafide anxiety attack or uncontrollable things that make it very clear there's something seriously wrong she consoles me. Does it return when I recover? I think that question has more to do with her mood and any of my recent fuck-ups.
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Old 11-12-09, 05:21 AM   #16
 
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Hey, I'm not no here often but noticed your thread and had to post. I guess first to answer your question (its the most pressing) I do have the problem you describe with my bf. He literally saved me from myself is how I see it, I really cannot care about anyone more, but sometimes I feel nothing and it KILLS just so you know. I don't say it to him, for fear he'll get insecure and it hurt our relationship in the long-run, I know for me its just a symptom and once it goes away things will go back but if I hurt him with something like that it'll be a lot tougher to bounce back from. Last time we'd had such space between us was when we started dating and every once in a while our caution buttons go off or something cause one of us would be 'not that into it' or distance ourselves, but after the intital part that wore off for us except when i was just down in the dumps. THEN his daily affection is just IRRITATING I TRY to quietly go through the motions, but I don't know why its just not there the gushy couply pillow talk type behavior GOES. Needless to say the care/love does NOT EVER, and I'm SURE if you do speak to your wife you can first assure her its ok to be honest with you cause she'll probably be wanting to avoid pushing you away by admittig there is an elephant in the room - but once she's comfortable maybe she will talk more openly as she'll feel you are in it together? I never did have it in me to say the love feeling is not there exactly, cause i knew even at those moments i'd not trade in my bf for the world or even escape from being depressed, i'd stay in hell to keep him here. HOWEVER what was STRESSFUL was going throughthe motions when I did not feel like it, it was another thing I couldnot do and trying everyday when someone easily could give that affection to you rid me with guilt and more hate for myself etc. SO on that note, what I was able to do, was ask my bf for nights OFF from relationship duty overall. I explained i t was the depression and I am not able to really care about what we had for dinner etc. and he understood so he'd back off. Instead what we did on those nights was just commiserate, he'd sit with me, watch TV talk little, eat junk food etc. and knowing he'd given me the RIGHT to not be affectionate RELIEVED all teh stress and I was ableto just knowhe was there and let him know i was still theref or him, but jsut that we had to do thingsslightly differently in order to be compatibly there foreachother when i was so down and incapable of continuing with the status quo of relationship life. Essentially, no matter how much she withdraws from you its not actually a lackof love i don't think, but rather a lack of affection and display. SO do nto worry, it will come back probably (I can't say for sure considering it is subjective as others explained) but really the depression takes away interest not your soul - and the biggest fight is really remembering that you DO want these people and things like love and affection when your body is telling you no and pushing everything away through disinterest, its really heartbreaking even for the person suffering it not just you. I'm sure yoru wife wishes she could participate more and give more as I did with my bf (but even more so considering you're her husband and have kids! I can't imagine how helpless/useless its making HER feel) Just know that she does regardless of what depression makes her do probably realize what is happening and does not know hwo to control it, so please let her know its ok, give her tthose nights off and ease of mind to just BE - then talk to her. I'm sure you'll find she wants to go back to being affectionate, hell I remember years ago i could not even have sex and that was a BUMMER!!! Esp since sex actually reduces stress, scientifically lproven, physical affection does reduce stress. On that note, do not take away your affection, just let her know you understand if she can't return the same. And maybe she can return it verbally by letting you know she still feels the same though she can't show it right now...

anyway, hope this helps, but for what it is worth on a good day and bad day there is no one else i want with me. I'm sure she feels the same. Its just harder to figure out how to keep that person there when you can't so much as show affection you feel they're better off elsewhere not moping with you and that drags you further away from the relationship. My gamble was askign for nights off at times like this so the confusion would just stop and icould just BE before making it an actual problem in the relationship. In the past when i got over confused b/c of demands of affection and things i could not give i cut off friends, bfs etc. and isolated myself. The nights off were the only compromise i could think of to keep myself from ruining everything. I suggest try something like that...but discuss it with your wife lest she think you are trying to avoid her when she is down lol. But ask her openly - do you find it MORE stressful for me to push affection to you while you are down? Would you prefer if I just commiserate sometimes? - usually it would work i think because misery loves company, not happy annoying people lol.

All the best, now that I have answered your question as much as I can, may i say its beautiful to see your concern. It is understandable you need affection, you are human and going through a tough time you need it more than ever. And totally normal to do so, and i'm sure your wife sees it and feels worse for kinda abandoning you at this time and appreciates you even more for it too, I can't imagine what woman would not. Keep it up, and all the best to you and your kids and wife. One thing I have heard in the past is that a good cure to depression is talking about it, being able to feel comfortable and un-judged or not dragging others down while you are depressed often makes it hard to talk about it, but being supportive and not looking at it as strange but rather understanding it as you have done usualy helped me feel that comfort level to talk - i hope your wife does too and you guys come out of it together. It'll make you stronger if it doesn't kill you, remind her every day she is getting stronger, experiencing something MOST people don't even comprehend and surviving it - that's all she needs to do for now, and soon she'll be strong enough to get back to her family and knowing that will probably help her on an emotional level just feeling supported day to day.

anyway, just thoughts that occurred to me, i talk too much but mean well, take from it what you will though and i hope it helps :)

welcome to TTL, has your wife heard of it? Maybe she'd like to join too?? wait jsut saw page 2 of the thread lol. I understand her fears btw, I didn't tell anyone the research I DID do for many years cause the demons i saw in myself. Its scary, Im pretty certain to this day i could easily destroy someone's psyche if i told the truth and that is hard to put on loved ones. I also hated the idea of deconstructing my mind as I nkew it in therapy or anything like that and just wanted to 'recover' for sometime. Unfortunately its a tough cycle to break, all the best to her, just keep being by her side and if no recovery usually we end up holding on to lifelines and giving in to things we would nto have tried before. I ended up here and in therapy to give you an idea. at some point we all see our beliefs fears and opinions are really useless if they are simlpy keeping us unhappy, but it is something we have to see for ourselves

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Old 11-12-09, 01:39 PM   #17
 
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Thanks for all your responses they are really most helpful and reassuring that the loss of affection and love can be attributed to her depression - I know everyones depression is individual but knowing these are similar traits to how others feel really does help me deal with it

Hottea - funnily enough my wife is also being treated for iron deficiency which is a form of anaemia and I had read it can help to contribute to the depression

Hi sybil08 - thanks for your post again I found it most helpful - my wife really is struggling with her depression and for the last 3 months has pretty much lived out of her bedroom with minimal interaction with the rest of the family

She does say she cannot feel any love for me and the kids although she does have feelings for our 4 year old son - my hope is that because her depression is so severe this is hiding away those feelings - I know she does care about me as she does as at times if I am ok so I think there is something there but she treats me as she would a friend but I am guessing this is all to do with the depression it has after all changed her completely into a person I struggle to recognise - I do hope when she gets better the wife I know and love will return
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Old 01-10-10, 02:36 AM   #18
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agh..i feel like your wife does. and my boyfriend who lives with me is a victim to my depression. im ridiculous and ive become heartless lately...saying WHATEVER without thinking of how it effects him. i feel horrible. but i feel so disconnected to everything i ever loved. EVERY SINGLE THING, my family, my pets, my past, my things, him. i hate it. it started the day i turned 18 actually. and got worse when he left for vacation. its really scary, im sure its terrifying for your wife..though she may not show it...its like everything dies inside of us. is there change going on in your lives right now? everything in my life is changing and its like everything that kept me together...and me..kind of fell to the floor.
my advice is to never let go...but stand up for yourself. be strong..but gentle
when you feel cold like this having someone being mushy nice kind of makes you want to push them away. understand why she is the way she is..but dont let her think she can walk all over you...when people do this to me i lose...something..for them. i dontknow...this is just my experience it could be totoally differant for you..
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Old 01-15-10, 03:15 PM   #19
 
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1066 I am also a new member to this forum so I'm not sure that what I have to say will be of any consolation to you, but I do have all the sympathy in the world.
My husband of 12 years told me just yesterday that he no longer loves me the way he should and he no longer wants to be married although he says I am his very best friend and he would like it to stay that way. This is a total shock to me and I am completely destroyed I am however trying to stay strong. I don't know what has caused this emotional change I think he may be suffering with depression and I too am wondering if his feelings for me will return if he seeks and gets help for it.
I like you have children and I like you am trying my hardest to protect them from all of the ugliness that this has caused.
I am also at a loss as to what to do He doesn't believe he should speak to anyone about his emotions and thinks he may just want something different from life I would agree with this if he wasn't so unhappy with every other aspect of his life.
I wish you and your family all the best. I hope you stay strong for your wife and children and most of all I hope you get the love you are wishing for.

All the best luvleymom
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Old 01-20-10, 07:47 AM   #20
 
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Hi jobayy and luvleymom

Sorry for my delay in responding I have not been on the site for a while.

Thank you both for your posts

jobayy it helps so much to know that others suffering from depression have the same feelings that my wife does and your explanations are very very helpful

We have decided that no matter what teh illness throws at us we will see this through together and she will hopefully return from her depression then we will look at how we feel - I am ever hopeful her feelings will return as I have seen on many sites and posts just how common these feelings are and how common it is for them to return once the depression has lifted.

Recently we haven't had any real changes to our lives so we are not sure what has brought this on but she is seeking help, receiving medication and counselling so I am hopeful that somewhere in the not too distant future she will recover

luvleymom I am sorry to hear you are experiencing the same it is a very difficult thing to deal with but I found the depression fallout site and read the Depression fallout book by Anne Sheffield and it has given me so much strength please visit the site it is aimed at those living with someone suffering from depression

Look at some of the posts and I recommend the book - also don't be put off by the fact that most people on the site are struggling to come to terms there are a number of success stories on there and it is true that when a spouse recovers from depression you are unlikely to need the forum so many of those that have had successes just disappear from the site

Firstly I would say your husband needs to see someone to help him a doctor or psychiatrist just to help assess if he is depressed - the symptoms sound very much like it but it would need confirmation

You must however look after yourself and do that by looking at this site it will help

Look at the posts and the information

Depression Fallout Message Board - Message Board - Yuku

Stay strong jobayy and luvleymom and I hope things will get better for you both
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