Depressed girlfriend - Ive tried everything
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Depressed girlfriend - Ive tried everything

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Old 10-14-10, 01:12 PM   #1
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Unhappy Depressed girlfriend - Ive tried everything

Hello! This is my first post and I hope I am welcomed :)

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months. She is in her early 20s and so am I. I know we have not been in a relationship for very long but we moved at a very fast pace. This is because we have been living together since before we were together. We were friends before and lived together and still do (along with a few other friends of mine).

She has been depressed before, about 2 years ago she was diagnosed and was on meds (no idea which ones). but she got better, unfortunately for the past 3-4 months I have seen clear signs that she is depressed again, now more than ever. She compains about everything and she always cries about small things and sometimes about nothing at all. If she is not crying she is angry with everything. I am the total opposite and I rarely get upset, I understand the clash here but I do not know what I can do. She does not seriously harm herself but she will tend to punch random objects near her.

I do not know what approach to take. If she is feeling depressed, I try to not fuel it by trying to be friendly or trying to get us to go out and do something together but it never works. So sometimes I try to be compasionate and give her a hug and listen to what shes saying, but she just does not stop crying.
I do not want to break up with her but it is really bringing me down. I wonder to myself if it would be best if we broke up so she does not have someone else to constantly worry about, but then I am confident it will make her worse because (not trying to be big headed) I am all that she has in this little town.

I am sorry for the long post, I could go on longer, I have no idea what to do. I have just about convinced her to go back to the doctors. I just do not think that meds will be a great help this time.

I just wanted to get this out because for the first time, I can see it affecting me. In this situation should I just be supportive and patient and wait for it to pass? Or is there anything I can actively do? She finds flaws in every single thing and I dont know how to deal with it any more. The fact that we live together may play a big part in it. She complains that she hardly sees me but in truth we see each other every day in the evening and usually every weekend. I have now taken up another job so she complains that she may see me even less.

Please help in any way. Once again, I am sorry if this is very long and I am sorry if anything I have said is wrong or selfish. I have read other peoples similar situations but I needed to get my own out there. :)
jkazama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-14-10, 01:47 PM   #2
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Thats a tricky situation. You have never been depressed, have you? It can be real hard for someone to understand what it is like, if you havent been there yourself. I think you could suggest her to approach people who are/have been in the same situation. Its good that she is getting some professional help. Im sure you want to be there for her, but it can be hard to relate for you.

She is probaly mainly angry to herself and she has to take it out on something. At least thats how ive felt. I cant really give you any practical advice, just try to hang in there, and not blame yourself. I think you should stay by her side, but hey, everyone is different and i dont know your case that well. Just try to hang in there, and hopefully your girlfriend gets over her depression as soon as possible.
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Old 10-14-10, 10:21 PM   #3
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Welcome to TTL. I feel your pain, but I'm on the other side of the equation - I'm the (somtimes) depressed girlfriend ;)

I get how annoying and disheartening it must be for a guy, to have his girl be all weirded out/in pain/crying/sad... the approach I take with my boyfriend is to explain what's going on with me when I'm having a bad spell, to apologize for treating him poorly if I have, and to really concentrate on NOT treating him poorly in the first place. In exchange, what I'd like from him is an acknowledgement of my problem, and his statement of support and love for me as I go through this. I don't want him to retreat from me or ignore me (if I need alone time, I'll let him know), and I want him to tell me if my moods are pissing him off or hurting his feelings. When he says nothing and gives no feedback ever, I feel like he's ignoring me or doesn't even notice or care that I have a problem.

That being said, a chick's boyfriend is NOT her therapist. And many guys are just not that into exploring the nuances of "feelings" the way girls can be. I know that, and sometimes I'm very aware of the conflict between my complex-seeming emotionality and my bf's simpler desires... I find a therapist and/or other friends to talk to so that I don't over-burden him. And I've wondered before if it's fair to be with someone until I get my shit straightened out...

But none of us are ever perfect. And as a depressed person (if that's what she is), your gf is dealing with a lot of really hard and painful stuff... but she doesn't have the right to treat you like shit. You shouldn't have to live in fear and/or be miserable just b/c she may be. You sound like a nice guy who cares about his relationship, and this conflict you're having is understandable. I've rambled on about myself to share some (maybe) useful similar experiences, but as for what you should do: hmmmm... Talk to her about it, with love, and not when she's in the midst of a really bad time. Let her know that you care about her, that you care about the two of you together, and you don't know what to do. Don't be freaked out by her crying. And examine your own feelings about her honestly. It's good to love someone and stick with them through tough times, but staying with someone out of pity doesn't help anyone, imho. And it's also good to take care of yourself - give it some time and hopefully your own truth will reveal itself.
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Old 10-15-10, 08:12 PM   #4
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Default 2 cents

I am not a depressed person, never have been, but I want to help.

All I can chime in in with is that
1. Your mildness is an asset
2. Continue being a good listener.

Hope this helps you endure.
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Old 10-15-10, 09:02 PM   #5
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when i was like that, my bf just held me when i cried or let me be alone if that's what i wanted. he could just watch tv or be on the computer or even be asleep. i'd crawl in bed crying and he'd wake up enough to hold me and then fall back asleep while i was in his arms. i was technically alone but it didn't feel like it. anyway, i say be patient. don't try to cheer her up or any of that. let her cry when she needs to. don't leave her alone too long if she isolates. insist on being there, but don't say anything unless she asks you to talk to distract her. tell her what you are doing and ask her to participate by letting you know what she needs. i miss that guy. i never cry anymore unless im having a panic attack. i think i learned to be stoic being on my own all this time.
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