Hi,

I came on here because my brother is depressed and has been for as long as I can remember. I know that his problems aren't mine and I have my own life to live, but I can't help but feel guilty when I go out and enjoy myself knowing that he is home alone feeling miserable. I've tried taking him with me and even introducing him to my friends but he just isn't interested. How do you watch somebody you love miss out on life by being depressed? ~ Claire

I only wished my brother would be a concerned about me as you are your brother. You don't mention if he has been to a doctor. Even though medicines don't work for me, I believe there are meds that will help. I am just not one of the lucky ones.

You can show concern to him. Let him know you don't understand his depression but will be there for him NO MATTER WHAT. He will be mean and ungrateful at firstl, but when the fog clears and the mind finds a small open port in reality, he will be so grateful for your concerns and attempts to help him get better. Do not let the illness drive you away. It is hard. It is not easy. It is the mostly respectable thing you can do for him. Stand BY HIM NO MATTER WHAT.

Never leave a depressed person alone. They don't get better. They get mad at you for helping. But we really need you right now. Please know that our anger is not at you. We are trying our best to live our life, but sometimes it is just really confusing.

Wynde is right. You need to show your brother that you love him and care about him. When he's miserable, give him a hug and let him know that. I know that's what works for me when I'm down. Usually when that happens I cry and let it all out, and I feel back to normal afterwards. Try giving your brother a hug. Here; pass this onto him for me. *Hugs*

Dear Claire:
I can so relate to your feelings. You almost feel guilty that you are having a normal life. Ever since I was young, my younger brother was always 'having issues' and I noticed that he 'just wasn't with it'. I remember when I was younger, even though I was a girl, I used to beat up anyone that said anything about my brother. As he got older, sometimes, he would get scytoprhrinic (sp), and get violent. One time when I was pregnatnt with my first, he wrote a letter to me saying that he knew that I was carrying the deveil and that he was going to kill the baby. I knew that my brother wouldn't do anyting, that he just sometimes was 'off', but my husband made me promise not to see my brother until I gave birth and to not bring my child to visit my brother until my child was old enough to handle himself. I was so angry that my brother wasn't normal, but I loved him for who he is. I often wished that there was something that I could have done for him. I'm very concerned. He's now about 53, and 4 years ago he took off and cut all communication with my family. I worry about him, and don't know where he is. And I miss him. The police say that I can't claim he's missing because he's an adult, and according to them, he's not missing because he chose to leave. I don't know where to turn in terms of finding him. My sister, other brother and I just hope that he is safe. Anytime you want to talk with me about this, I can certainly relate. I think that it is wonderful how you love him. None of us are taught how to handle these difficult feelings and emotions about siblings who just aren't the same.
Sparkling

My brother isn't well either. He is definitely not able to take care of himself. Yet, you can have a conversation with him. My whole life, I grew up with his insanity (for lack of a better word). I grew up with his violence and psychologists and rants and horror. It's affected me in so many ways. It's one of the main reasons why I'm a counselor. It's probably also a reason why I deal with bad bouts of depression. Now, is one of those times. This site is so good. I feel so good airing my dirty laundry.

Thanks for your posting. Yes, I absolutely love this site. I don't need to sit in front of someone at 'an appointment' and have them constantly look at their watch and look as though my boring life isn't entertaining enough for them. I love the site, because, if you've read some of the stuff, it helped me work out a lot of issues. At times when I was absolutely upset about something, I posted and I got incredible results. One was that my bank was screwing me, and what happened was there seem to be a # of successful bankers on this site (there seem to be a lot of very successful people, and I think if all these depressed people have anything in common, it is that they all know that they're bright and that they're meant for a much bigger life than the one that they feel stuck in-but that is just my humble opinion). So anyway, these bankers all made recommendations to me as to what I should say to my bank to get back my $360 in $30 overdraft charges reversed and put back into my account. Everything that I had tried prior to that failed, but bingo-there you go, I did what they freely recommended on this site, and the money was put back and I got appologies. The support on this site for EVERYTHING is unbelievable, and I've been telling people about it (none of who know who Sparkling is) and I have had so many people tell me the same thing, that they love it. I even send a little something each month, because I know most of the kids can't, and I get more spiritual nourishment from here, reading caring responses from real caring people, than I would if I went to some brick and mortor place where people would give me phony smiles. So thanks for sharing that you too love to come here, vent, learn, share, uplift. I give, and I get. If only life were that easy.
Now I'd like to respond about your brother. Your sharing brought up so many memmories about mine, and my constantly having to protect him when people picked on him because he was so gentle. I was a tiny kid with a lot of spit and vigor, and obviously very early on I knew that my brother needed protecting. I used to resent that because of his 'whatever it was called that week', he got all the attention. Our whole household revolved around him. My mother was obviously in a depression, and she wouldn't get out of bed, and so, for weeks on end, my brother who had a bad bed-wetting problem even when he was 12, 14 etc, would just throw his urinated pajamas in the bathtub, till there was a collectiojn of horrible smelling, urinated pajamas so high it extended over the wall of teh bath-tub and would sometimes site there a week or two accumulating. No one ever wanted to go to the bathroom, because the stench was so horribly overwhelming. Flies somehow got in. Going to the bathroom in my house was torture (and we lived in a nice neighborhood in a nice middle class part of town). But I used to do anythin to hold it in, not to have to be overwhelmed by that stench. In school, since my brother was 3 years younger than me, I was constantly looking out for him. But, he seemed similar to yours. No one in school knew that he had anything wrong with him. He was such a great looking kid, he smiled and the world caught fire, and so everyone thought that I was nuts when I would vent how tired I was protecting my brother.
That went on for years, and I moved out at 16. So then it was my parents problem. He really started acting out when I was 24, I got married, and he wasn't happy that I wasn't 'alone' anymore, and I had a protective husband who obviously thought that lots of what my brother said to me was abusive, but I guess that I was so used to it, I was numb. But then, when I became pregnant at 29, He started sending us letters that I was carrying the devil (which obviously was ridiculous because my son is the sweetest child in the world, well I guess my daughter is too) and he was going to make sure that the devil never got to breath. My husband was very concerned, and forebade me to go visit my parents without him (my husband) there. He wouldn't let me see my brother, but i knew that there was still the innocent part that didn't even remember that he had written the letters. My brother went on and on about this, and I believe that this was what started my husbands retreat from me, and initiating divorce and working for 14 years after the divroce to take the children from me. In our divorce it was made clear that I was never to have our children alone with my brother. My life for 20 years has been very difficult. He was always on my back, and then when the kids entered high-school, he finally convinced them that they need to live with him. It was the hardest time of my life, becoming an empty nester well before I was emotionally ready, especially since I loved my children so much. I didn't see much of my brother in my adult years, he was always with my parents, and I usually came with my kids, and as long as my parents were there, things were ok, except for the time when my 5 year old went 'snopping' around grandma's house, and my brother pulled me by the throat and told me he was going to kill me if I didn't get my son away. My brother and parents a few years ago, sold the house without telling the other 3 children (me included) and left. They have no cell phone, no known place of residence, and my sister, brother and I have been trying to find them (my dad is in his late 90's, and my mom is 87, and my brother now is 53. Last December, at 5:30 AM on my birthday, the phone wrang. I was so worried thinking something happened to my kids, that they would call me that early, but no, it was my sweet, lost, sad brother whispering, he remembered that it was my birthday "and with my own money bought a calling card so that I could call you-but I'm in a hotel room in a cot and mom and dad will be so pissed if they knew that I called you because they don't want me speaking to any of my brother or sisters and let them know where we are-they sold the house so I have nowhere to live anymroe". We spoke for a while, and I miss my brother, sickness and all, because he had also such a loving gentle side, and he's so alone in the world. Thanks for sharing your feelings, becuase this allowed me to vent. Some of us just have incredible love for people who have hurt us, but compassion, because they don't know any better. I'm sorry for your pain about yoru brother, but writing and venting helps, and even though you're a professional, sometimes you need to post and the 'others' will come up with suggestions that work better in your life than what you have going. I hope you have a stupendous day.
Sparkling