Can't Change My Husband's Situation.
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Can't Change My Husband's Situation.

This is a discussion on Can't Change My Husband's Situation. within the Troubled Loved Ones forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I see him falling deeper and deeper into depression, and I'm powerless to do anything. I thought getting a part-time ...

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Old 06-14-18, 04:13 AM   #1
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Default Can't Change My Husband's Situation.

I see him falling deeper and deeper into depression, and I'm powerless to do anything. I thought getting a part-time job would help (long story. I'm new here and can't possibly get into all of the details in this one post, but I used to freelance, and have a very difficult time finding full time, decent work because I'm not as capable as I might be in the language of the country I currently call home), and it cheered him up for a time, but now it seems worse than ever. He has no interest in anything, leaves messes all over the place for me to clean up. He's kind of a pack-rat, so he'll just collect random receipts and papers and other crap we don't need, and let it pile up for years and years....but now he's started to act out, too. I've been asking him nicely to clean out one of our closets so I can actually fit his work clothes in there, rather than let them sit and get wrinkled on top of an already cluttered chest of drawers. I've been asking gently for years, as I know how much it sucks to be nagged, and I DON'T want to be the nagger!! Well, he finally got around to it, and I found out a week later that he threw away some meaningful gifts that had been given to him that were stashed in there. It really hurt me that he did this, and I told him so and asked him why. I felt like I was dealing with a child at that point, throwing those things out as vengeance against me asking him to clean out the closet. This being the internet, it may automatically make him sound like a jerk - but please trust me - this is the depression talking. He's NOT that kind of person, and he's only ever pulled a stunt like this one single other time, years ago when we were still getting to know each other. We've been married 10+ years, and this kind of stuff doesn't happen. This is what I mean by it's getting worse.

It's his job. He's in a terrible situation, and has been going to interviews through the years, but they never want to match his current pay range. The reason I picked up on the reasonably steady part time position was so that I could help cover expenses if he decided to take one of these lower paying jobs, because I want him to be happier and have some peace of mind! I would do nearly anything for that!...but it's just not panning out. He's not looking anymore, and just seems to be resigned to this misery at this point. We're both in our 40s, so we're not spring chickens, and are trying to make some sort of plan for retirement ahead. I'll do my best to keep hanging in there with my job - which is physically and mentally exhausting, but I do enjoy it and do it well. I really hope some sort of change for the better is ahead, but for now, things look pretty hopeless. I'd love a friendly word, or just to chat with someone else who might be trying to help a spouse or significant other get through a similar situation. Thanks in advance! :)
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Old 06-17-18, 07:49 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by Kinako View Post
I see him falling deeper and deeper into depression, and I'm powerless to do anything. I thought getting a part-time job would help (long story. I'm new here and can't possibly get into all of the details in this one post, but I used to freelance, and have a very difficult time finding full time, decent work because I'm not as capable as I might be in the language of the country I currently call home), and it cheered him up for a time, but now it seems worse than ever. He has no interest in anything, leaves messes all over the place for me to clean up. He's kind of a pack-rat, so he'll just collect random receipts and papers and other crap we don't need, and let it pile up for years and years....but now he's started to act out, too. I've been asking him nicely to clean out one of our closets so I can actually fit his work clothes in there, rather than let them sit and get wrinkled on top of an already cluttered chest of drawers. I've been asking gently for years, as I know how much it sucks to be nagged, and I DON'T want to be the nagger!! Well, he finally got around to it, and I found out a week later that he threw away some meaningful gifts that had been given to him that were stashed in there. It really hurt me that he did this, and I told him so and asked him why. I felt like I was dealing with a child at that point, throwing those things out as vengeance against me asking him to clean out the closet. This being the internet, it may automatically make him sound like a jerk - but please trust me - this is the depression talking. He's NOT that kind of person, and he's only ever pulled a stunt like this one single other time, years ago when we were still getting to know each other. We've been married 10+ years, and this kind of stuff doesn't happen. This is what I mean by it's getting worse.

It's his job. He's in a terrible situation, and has been going to interviews through the years, but they never want to match his current pay range. The reason I picked up on the reasonably steady part time position was so that I could help cover expenses if he decided to take one of these lower paying jobs, because I want him to be happier and have some peace of mind! I would do nearly anything for that!...but it's just not panning out. He's not looking anymore, and just seems to be resigned to this misery at this point. We're both in our 40s, so we're not spring chickens, and are trying to make some sort of plan for retirement ahead. I'll do my best to keep hanging in there with my job - which is physically and mentally exhausting, but I do enjoy it and do it well. I really hope some sort of change for the better is ahead, but for now, things look pretty hopeless. I'd love a friendly word, or just to chat with someone else who might be trying to help a spouse or significant other get through a similar situation. Thanks in advance! :)
Hey Kinako, hope you are doing well today.

I just read your message. I cant relate fully to what you are experiencing, infact my partner is probably more in your shoes than what i am.

I can more relate to what your husband could possibly be feeling or going through. I also bring home alot of shit that aint needed, like receipt from the store. Things that i stash in what ever corner i can find. Next thing you know, all drawers and cupboards are full of pointless things.

To some point though, these things serve a purpose, it might not be for now, bit it couod be for later. As things are also getting really expensive, you dont just want to throw things away, you try to save money where you can.

So with his current state of depression, he probably doesn't want to clean out the drawer, with time and also being asked repeatedly to clean it up, he probably had a off day and then got rid of thing so that the chore is done. Not done in the right way, but just in a way to say that it has been handled. I doubt at that moment he was giving alot of though as to what he is throwing away.

It ia great that you stepped in and got a part time job to help with finances, i know it aint nice but we all need to work nowadays just so we can make ends meet. Try to get your husband more motivated. Get him out the house on a weekend, take him to a nice garden where you can peacefully walk around and enjoy the scenery. Go for a walk around the neighborhood if conditions alow you to. Try and boost his confidence in himself, help look for different work for him if possible.

Speak to your husband and ask him what you can do to help him. Communication is very important. Right now i am sitting with a mind full of thoughts, thoughts that i cant let out, words i cannot speak, feelings i cant express. It is building up inside of me, so much so that i just keep to myself, hardly speak anymore. It is easier to communicate in silence, that way it is just me hurting and not fighting with my partner...

I hope that you can help your husband back on track and get him out of the dark hole he is currently in.

Stay strong.
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