Hi Vanillashiva,

Thanks for replying and in fact for being so upfront with me. I agree with a lot of what you say. He knows himself best and I honestly believe he was/is trying to "save me" being hurt when he told me to go away. Whilst I have no experience of dating a guy who suffers from clinical depression I wanted to be given that opportunity - on my head be it if I ended up hurt, but that is just me - I never give up anything without fighting for it if I believe it is worth fighting for and I believe(d) this guy was worth that. He was not depressed when I met him and that is what I find hard. I found an email from him today written about a week before he "changed" and it was just about how much he was looking forward to seeing me that weekend and that he was missing me and thinking about me. That is the guy I "met" and I kind of know that guy is still there ...surely?.

Are you saying every depressive person doesnt deserve to have someone who cares about them? I dont believe that. Yes they have to "cure" themselves (however long that takes) but I simply dont abandon people because they have "problems" - that isnt me. I dont try and fix them, I am just there when they need me. As I say I have resolved not to text him anymore but it is killing me - to me it will just confirm to him that I was an "in it for the good times only" girl and I am NOT like that. I dont jump ship when everything isnt perfect!

Thanks again for your reply. I do think you are right, sadly.

Xunin - yes I went through that - is his just a "player" and mucking me around, is this just an excuse or IS he depressed and simply cant feel he can communicate. Guess you and me just need to get on with life - at the end of the day, they will come back IF, and only IF they want to. I live for that day, but wont waste my life waiting for it (she says bravely! ).

Sure he's still there. He's the guy who's now saying he's clinically depressed.
There is a state of mind I call the, Save me but I don't deserve it, syndrome.

I knew a guy like that. He was up, buoyant, strong minded, willful, etc... when I first met him. And then the more we got to know each other, the less of a grip he had on himself. He started to be needy, sad, depressed, weak, unhealthy, claiming he suffered these conditions that I knew the pathology of and knowing his lifestyle knew also was a lie.
He was what friends call a psychic vampire. He literally fed off of inducing sympathy, pity and emotion from women. He was an actor of sorts and could work himself into a cry spell at the drop of a hat. Quivering voice, weeping eyes, the whole bit.
And when a woman would empathize and well up herself, it fed his ego. And it was all BS!

He hated women. He hated himself. What he loved to do was control women so he felt superior to them even more, which then made them look weak when they fell for his spiel, which then caused him to loathe that woman and women in general, even more. And for their weakness.

I'm not saying your guy is like that guy. I'm saying that there are guys out there that can reel a woman in by seeming to be just fine and then they fall into a state of needing to be rescued, while claiming "I'm not worthy!" And they often will do this when they find a woman with a soft heart who has a savior complex. Seeing more in that man than he sees in himself. (I've been that savior complex chic myself, so I know the game.)

Just be careful. Because something isn't right about this story. You don't just plummet into clinical depression that quickly, after being so up as when you first met him.
And if he knows you're not the type that walks away without a fight, and he is playing you, you're the perfect target for what he's working. You won't give up no matter how much he tells you to go away. That feeds a man's ego something fierce. You see more in him than he's telling you is there. You won't leave no matter what he says or does. The willing victim.
I've been that too. And then I woke up.



Of course not.
I'm saying that whether this guy is gaming you or is sincere, when he tells you he doesn't want you in his life, if you respect him and yourself more, you should listen for your own sake.

I went out with a guy that told me he was no good. Me, the big soft heart that imagined I knew more than he did about who he was said, oh no that's just not true.
Turns out, he was right. He was no good. And yet, he figured he'd forewarned me and I kept insisting it wasn't true. And so, he worked my emotions and feelings for three years on and off. When he'd call, I'd be there. "I need you." So I ran to him. I was sure I could make him to feel better about himself if I just showed him that he was lovable.

The last time I saw him, I'd wised up and he didn't know it. So he tried his spiel again to work me one more time before I left for 2 years of school.
When I said no, and let him know I had figured out what he was he said, and I quote. "So finally, you wised up!"

I'm not saying abandon ship when things get tough. I'm saying realize the first relationship you owe that strong steadfast empathetic resolve to is that one you have with yourself. Self-preservation, number one.

You're not abandoning him when he's telling you to go.
And if he knows you that well, he knows where to find you if he needs you. Don't keep trying to tell a man he's what you see in him, when he lives there. I've done that and I can tell you, it will always turn out that he was right. And you were wrong.


You're welcome. I wish you the best in whatever you decide for yourself.

Hi again Vanillashiva

Thank you once again for your informative response. I know there ARE players out there and I, like you, have had a belly full of them and I too stuck around with my last b/f, for way too long before I too decided enough was enough. Sadly with this guy I barely got to know him, but what I saw, I really liked. Of course had I not, I would have just not minded and walked away. But that's just life! No matter how many people tell me he was just mucking me around I simply cant convince myself of that - after all I WAS the only one who met him and why would anyone pull the depression excuse out? But maybe I am being blond!

However all that being said, I am going with what you say - he knows how to contact me and if he doesnt....I had a lucky escape I guess (either because his depression would be hard for me to handle or because he just wasnt worth it anyway!). Life sucks sometimes though

Thanks again for taking the time to point me on the straight and narrow

Just a quick update - I have done what I have been waiting impatiently to do for a good few weeks and sent off a Christmas card to him on Thursday. He will have got it yesterday. Feel (rightly or wrongly) that this is a totally legitimate way of telling him I am still around without being accused of "hassling". I put a one line sentence in it "Maybe a Christmas drink - if you want?" and he can take that up if he feels like it, or ignore it. I feel good that although I have done what he has asked and havent had ANY contact with him since 13 October (which has killed me) he will be aware now that I am still very willing to support him and be there for him. I can do no more.

However, my life is not going to be put "on hold" waiting for him. The decision is totally his and time will eventually advise me if I have wasted the last 6 months of my life or if what I have done and how I have behaved by backing off when told to was the right thing to do??

Xunin - how are you doing?