I've gotten in therapy again, and this time I'm being more upfront. I trust my therapist. We've already outlined concrete goals. It feels very organized, and I feel very lucky. I didn't trust some of my therapists before which is why I left. That's the good part.
The bad part is that a part of me is truly scared of this process. When I don't think about how unhappy I am, my mood is more or less consistent. It's when people start asking me questions about how I feel, and I have to explain how hurt I really am or how upset I am, that I start feeling gradually more depressed.
I'm afraid of confronting my problems. I don't want to lose hope for myself. I don't want to lose the motivation to take care of myself. I still have some hope now. I still make steps to be independent. I make steps to be more emotionally secure. It is still very hard for me, and most days I go through the motions. I cry a lot more, but I have viewed my tears as a blessing. I wasn't able to cry for a long time, and I really needed to. I can release with tears.
I'm still very scared. And I just needed to vent. Discussing my fears with anyone is terrifying. I know I'm giving up a lot of me by doing this. I don't want to be worse off than what I was before. It's overwhelming. My therapist is a lot more direct than the others which is good, because these session aren't free, but I hope I can maintain the emotional control I do have now. It is the best it has been in awhile.