Yeah I'm refreshed actually my brain feels empty for once. We established that I hate myself and that I do what I do for a job to escape me. I hate who I am, what I stand for and hate the choices I've made. I've never released anger or sadness and it plays a part in decisions I make today I don't know who I am as a person.
I have a lot of anger at my family. The bully's I've had through my life are controlling me and the conscious decisions I have made. I sabotage anything that's good in my life and I live my life as two separate people in one.
All that in one 50 minute blew my mind and was emotional to say the least.
This is a text convo I sent my best friend after...
HER Just read your story Hun :(
ME Lol x meh
HER Heartbreaking to hear of what your grandfather did, cannot believe he did that :(
ME Like I said before I have an inbred and disfunctional family It's quite funny cause I don't blame him for what he did. He was obviously a sick puppy I blame my family for protecting people. I blame a lot of people for it and blame them for my attitude towards women and men. I blame it all for my inability to hold down and maintain a relationship and I blame them for why I'm so fucked
HER I know hunny, I blame a lot of people for 1) not believing me when I told them what happened and 2) for not getting me the help I needed at the time. I had to walk around with that burden for 10yrs before any help was given
ME Mines now 16 years
HER It's shit
Nothing prepares us for these things and no1 teaches us how to deal with them when they do
ME In that I sent you there's still bits missing that keep coming back to me like certain relationships and so on.
It's funny how much I've oppressed
It's like I said to her I've hurt a lot of people and don't give a fuck about the consequences but when I look back I hurt so bad I'm not talking about relationships I was on about physically mentally and emotionally hurting, I wanna be someone else
I feel guilty cause I've made rational decisions to do things that shouldn't be done and so on. I've crossed personal moral boundaries without a care for other people