I'm not sure what I expect to accomplish here. I look at the plethora of threads and think, "just a drop in the bucket."
I avoid telling anyone how I feel because so many people rely on me...this is also why the reality of me actually doing anything is low.
I've been around the block a few times, I'm in my early 40's. I eat right, exercise, work...keep busy. It's been almost two years since a major issue in my life happened.
Financially I am a success. Looked to as a mentor by more than I'd care to think about.
But for almost two years, my life has been empty of everything but pain and loss. I've carried on and focused on helping others...which is truly a great source of relief from pain...but the pain is ever present.
None understand my pain and I remind myself that they don't have
to understand the pain. We each have our own cross to bear.
I've contemplated it before...though there is a deep seated self-preservation mechanism within me which doesn't give ground easily. I think of all the people that rely on me...
Over the last few months I've distanced many of them...but unless I crawl into a hole, I don't think I can distance everyone.
I am stuck, pure and simple. I am here and there's no where to go. All I can do is carry on and take care of others.
I don't even know what I expect to accomplish with this thread...whine about my problems when others have more severe problems...this is part of the problem I have with myself.
I work in a high stress environment and people are amazed at my ability to stay calm and focused...I hardly want to tell them it's because I feel nothing. How can these present problems compare?
Perspective changes things.
Betrayal and loss...how can I move on? I've tried for almost 2 years.
Who do I talk to? Lay my
burdens on someone else?? No...I can't do that. People have their own problems. The anonymity of this site provide a little wiggle room here...maybe that's the lure.
I would say, "I can't do this." But when you have no choice, what can you do? I am told how strong I am by so many people...but what other choice do I have? It's not strength, I don't have a way out. If I could find that big QUIT button, I would click it.
It doesn't exist. I have to just get back up every day and continue on, watch the months pass and continue on.
Ok...that was my rant, literally. I feel somewhat concerned that it will cause someone else a problem...except I am such a blowhard, I've typed a whole bunch anyway and most people are practically illiterate past two sentences.