Yeah, what the hay...
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Yeah, what the hay...

This is a discussion on Yeah, what the hay... within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I'm not sure what I expect to accomplish here. I look at the plethora of threads and think, "just a ...

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Unread 07-01-19, 02:56 AM   #1
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Default Yeah, what the hay...

I'm not sure what I expect to accomplish here. I look at the plethora of threads and think, "just a drop in the bucket."

I avoid telling anyone how I feel because so many people rely on me...this is also why the reality of me actually doing anything is low.

I've been around the block a few times, I'm in my early 40's. I eat right, exercise, work...keep busy. It's been almost two years since a major issue in my life happened.

Financially I am a success. Looked to as a mentor by more than I'd care to think about.

But for almost two years, my life has been empty of everything but pain and loss. I've carried on and focused on helping others...which is truly a great source of relief from pain...but the pain is ever present.

None understand my pain and I remind myself that they don't have to understand the pain. We each have our own cross to bear.

I've contemplated it before...though there is a deep seated self-preservation mechanism within me which doesn't give ground easily. I think of all the people that rely on me...

Over the last few months I've distanced many of them...but unless I crawl into a hole, I don't think I can distance everyone.

I am stuck, pure and simple. I am here and there's no where to go. All I can do is carry on and take care of others.

I don't even know what I expect to accomplish with this thread...whine about my problems when others have more severe problems...this is part of the problem I have with myself.

I work in a high stress environment and people are amazed at my ability to stay calm and focused...I hardly want to tell them it's because I feel nothing. How can these present problems compare?

Perspective changes things.

Betrayal and loss...how can I move on? I've tried for almost 2 years.

Who do I talk to? Lay my burdens on someone else?? No...I can't do that. People have their own problems. The anonymity of this site provide a little wiggle room here...maybe that's the lure.

I would say, "I can't do this." But when you have no choice, what can you do? I am told how strong I am by so many people...but what other choice do I have? It's not strength, I don't have a way out. If I could find that big QUIT button, I would click it.

It doesn't exist. I have to just get back up every day and continue on, watch the months pass and continue on.

Ok...that was my rant, literally. I feel somewhat concerned that it will cause someone else a problem...except I am such a blowhard, I've typed a whole bunch anyway and most people are practically illiterate past two sentences.
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Unread 09-18-19, 12:48 AM   #2
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It sounds to me like this event from 2 years ago is potentially the cause of all your pain. Does it not feel any better after 2 years? I don't know the magnitude of what you've been through, but I hope it gets easier to cope. In my experience, which I have less of than you, time does ease the pain eventually, and new experiences dilute my memory, pushing trauma closer to the deep archives of the mind.

These people, and myself, don't truly know you, but I do think they are right in saying that you are strong. Perhaps they're wrong about in which context you're strong, but I do think you are strong in some ways. To still be alive, to not have actually gone looking for the quit button (if you wanted to find it, you would have by now), you have the strength to at least live on. Maybe that doesn't mean you're super strong, but if you're alive it's good enough.

Have you considered finding a new, less stressful job? I know you said the stress doesn't get to you, because you feel nothing, but- perhaps a different working environment could lead to higher chances for positive experiences? It sounds to me like you're financially stable enough that you have time to go job hunting, perhaps you could even look for a new job while still maintaining your current one.
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