Why should I not go through and kill myself?
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Why should I not go through and kill myself?

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Old 07-11-18, 03:08 PM   #1
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Default Why should I not go through and kill myself?

Hi I am 34 years old and my name is Daniel. As a boy I endured physical abuse from my mother and father. Sexual abuse from my uncle. Due to all that I was put in foster homes and boys homes, placed in seclusion rooms and restrained by staff. I used to be skinny and loved to ride my bike. I went through lots of bullying as a kid causeing me to drop out of school and get a ged. I am gay and that doesn't help anything. I have never really been happy even when I was supposed to be. Maybe traveling or on a cruise I can't find happiness. I seem to hate most things gays love , outside, drinking, girls, smoking, drugs, pride. I recently have developed social anxiety and won't go anywhere there is a crowd. Pride was missirable for me. I start many things and never complete them. I loaned my mom and best friend money and that has just destroyed those relationships mom even blocked my phone number. My dad is dead and I'm sure happier than he was. He gave me horrible physical genes as I'm a little over weight, I even had laser lipo done and nothing came from that at all. Completely a waste of money. My father had gambling issues and so do I and he had social anxiety so then we have my mom who is bi-polar and has anger issues so I was given some great genetics. I have been in love a few times and only to be lost in fact I seem to just be a Trainor. Everyone I fall for and I am with for a long time gets fucked up and moves on only to marry or be with that person for life using the skills I bought them because they had no relationship experience. But as I mentioned I do not fit into any group I'm a complete outsider I don't drink well at least not alot and so going to a bar doesn't excite me and most people I know drink and love it I just don't. I don't like working out or being outside . I get sunburned or hurt more the next day. I have had many jobs and lived in many places and lost all of it for one reason or another. I started 2 businesses only to fail and came up with an amazing idea only to not be able to accomplish it. I'm a failure at everything I do and start. I have no family, no friends, no love in fact my ex knew a guy for less than 6 months and married him so that hurts, no success and no purpose for continuing on this horrible planet plus it won't matter our president doesn't care about people like me I don't want to see the future. It really is a very dark place for me and I want to end it unless I find some reason to care. I feel like if I had someone who truly needed me I might have a purpose but otherwise what's the point. I have nothing for anyone but cause problems. I have a huge heart and a great brain but it's useless without a purpose. I have no one and no counsler helps because of the stupid mandate reporter shit. You can't even talk about the truth without getting admitted to a hospital which only delays the inevitable. There's so much more but I'm tired of typing and I have to go work to make money for what?? I don't know
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Old 07-13-18, 10:46 PM   #2
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Default hey...

Hey, I am new to this board and realised that no one has replied to your thread yet.

Wow, what a story, you have not been handed out a great deal of luck so far in your life, that is so hard for you.

But...... you are on this forum looking for help, that shows you are seeking someone to hear you.

What is your job? are you happy in it? thats always the best place to start, train to do something different if you don't like it?

Dont let your past family genetics get in the way of you being the best version of yourself. You have to do that yourself, but never blame them as an excuse. Rise above and move forward.

Stay strong my friend

Nick (from UK living in Bangkok)
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