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Why bother anymore?

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Old 10-20-16, 02:20 PM   #1
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Death is a fact of life. We are all going to die inevitably. Why does it even matter when or how?

At this point there is pretty much nothing that anyone could say to me that I haven't heard before and completely dissected to be more or less either wishful thinking or outright false.

It gets better? Yeah? how? When? Why should I believe this lie that has never worked out.

Everything happens for a reason: Yep. And sometimes that reason is because you're stupid and make poor decisions.

Plenty of Fish, don't worry over 1 girl/boy: Yeah, ok. Sure. Because you know, finding someone you trust and connect with on a visceral level is totally Dime a Dozen.

Don't need someone to be happy. Sure I don't. That's why I'm so totally contented in my utter loneliness.

But you've got friends who love you! Oooooh ok. Yeah, they "love" me. This is hard to believe. Why doesn't anyone miss me when they are having fun? I put on a good fun face. I am really really good at hiding the fact that nearly every waking moment I'd like to die. Waiting for the rapture or somesuchshit to come.

How selfish of me to continue to live and to burden all of those around me. I can see that my mere presence is wearing on them quickly. I've served my purpose here. I'm certain I'm past my expiration, just waiting for the garbage collection phase of this simulation, to come collect my corpus from the heap of extraneous. I've done great things in my life, and I am well past my prime now. I waited it out, served my purpose, and I'm ready to move on. Maybe my art will actually be worth something once I'm gone.

Now, however, society has clearly deemed that I am not worth anything doing the things I love, that I must do only the things I hate to earn money. The things no one wants to do, or they can't do because, idk, they think they aren't smart enough. But they are.

Something about when you realize that society doesn't value you anymore, then you are obsolete and it's time to go. This is what I tell myself. I've heard it before, from many people I admire and respect. It seems to be the way of the world, no? Isn't that why welfare and food stamps are supposed to be so bad? I can't even bring myself to take advantage of social services, because what if then when/if I take my own life, would be the point? Might as well not have carried me, oh fellow taxpayer.

I imagine this post won't really garner any responses. What do you say to someone who has heard all the things, weighed out all the factors, and determined that there really is no point to any of this.

Death is a fact of life. We are all going to die inevitably. Why does it even matter when or how?



----
Edit for clarity:

I want to assure everyone that I'm not advocating suicide, I just don't understand how people live every day. I don't understand how people find the motivation to do literally anything at all? No one knows why they are here, how does this not cripple each and every one of us.

How do we go on when we've fulfilled the maximum of our purpose here?
I feel like a toasting glass at a jewish wedding. Just end me already, please.

Last edited by zizzoublue; 10-20-16 at 02:25 PM.
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Old 10-20-16, 05:44 PM   #2
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There are certainly some statements that people need to stop using. I understand the good intentions behind them but I don't know that they have ever really helped anyone. A lot of the time people say them to kind of put something positive out there, positive affirmations but the thing about depression is if you don't believe whatever is said is true, it doesn't help at all.

It gets better, everything happens for a reason, plenty of fish in the sea, and you've got people who love you are such phrases unless the person saying it knows you well enough to know that the last one is true. The thing is, most people don't know how to help someone with depression so these are the go-to phrases. The best way I think to help someone with depression is to just be there for them.

I would say the only thing I disagree with you on an objective basis is that you have no value if not to society. I've long since come to terms with the fact that I have no worth to society, I am an outsider and my value comes from myself, not some arbitrarily defined social value system. Do I think this all the time? No. It's hard to dictate your own self worth considering how constantly society tells you you're worthless if you don't adhere to a certain set of principles. Society is objectively a joke, it relies on a certain set of superficial values to sustain itself but these are values that the majority of its members don't necessarily care for, they're just tricked into believing its what they need because from birth, its what they're taught to contribute to. Despite what people think, they don't need society, society needs them.

For what little it's worth at this point, I value and I'm sure there are plenty of others you haven't even met yet that value you based upon what you think, on your art. I think the best course of action is learning to define your own self-worth.
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Old 10-20-16, 07:05 PM   #3
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I used to have self-worth, but if I can't feed myself, then what is that really? Feels a lot like being self-insured.

It's far less than a philosophical thought about my value to society, and more the fact that I can't eat or find shelter without providing a (consistent) value to someone, anyone, somewhere. (well, not so much anyone, but rather anyone with means to help me to literally survive, or even many someones with fractions of the means I need to live.) I loathe even bringing that very harsh reality up, because in most cases, it's perceived as a soft ask for assistance, which is not at all what I want. Fortunately no one here knows me, and so here, that is impossible. I'm no grifter, but I feel like that sometimes, because of how much I am reliant on others for basic needs. And then that feeling, I'm sure, colors my reactions to others, and I wind up projecting.

My life feels like an exercise in waterboarding, except not with water, with hunger and food. I guess it doesn't matter. If this keeps up, I won't have to commit suicide. Frankly, all I'd have to do is not drink the free coffee I get from my friend at Starbucks.

I need to "get a job" to be a functioning member of society. Outside of art, however, there isn't a job I like. So I've got to suck it up and do the lucrative but soul-sucking thing I'm good at, which is programming. And while society does need us, it's wrong to say we don't need it, too. We do. We need love and compassion. We need food supply lines and groceries. We need houses that don't fall down in a strong rain.

We need people to care about us. But then, maybe we don't. I don't know. I suppose there are people that live by themselves out on a mountain somewhere. But again, I ask, why? Why even live, if you're not exchanging ideas with others (you know, by even simple conversation.) What's the point? Just to consume oxygen?
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Old 10-21-16, 02:16 PM   #4
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Basically, it's just life, right? Life sucks. The basis of life is suffering, according to Buddhism. So sucking it up and getting a job you hate in order to be able to eat, that's life.

"Join the club. We meet here Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday at 8:30, and Fridays at 9."

Or, I could live out in the woods and hunt literally everything I eat, live off the land, build my own shelter... and eventually get arrested for trespassing, cause I wouldn't be able to own that land!

But if our job sucks, we feel like no one loves us (or rather, truly, no one that we want to love us does love us,) we have no anchor, ephemeral shelter, no money, no food, nothing... what does that make us? Society not only figuratively places negative value on that, it does so literally, as in the fiscal indebtedness to society.

So, yeah, let's talk about society for a moment. We can throw it away all day, but we can't really.
Because what does that really mean?
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Old 10-21-16, 02:24 PM   #5
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I guess I am struggling the most with the self-worth bit. How does one even begin to do that?

I can love me all day long, but it doesn't change a damn thing, it seems.

Though, perception is reality. I suppose I could just go insane, but "happy".

I wish my imagination were just that much more vivid, that I could feel the sensations of touching the people I love again.

I ask again, though, the unanswerable question:
Why does it matter how or when I die?

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Old 10-22-16, 03:54 PM   #6
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Hi, I can clearly see the suffering you are in. Working a job you hate, no significant other, societal conformity pressure....am I getting the gist of things? I was just curious, have you tried to make a go of a career in art? Do you draw? Do you paint? Photography? ....have you tried to immerse yourself in the art community so there is at least a spark of joy for yourself and maybe a common bond to meet someone? I'm not saying this to be condescending or ridicle you....but you sound more like a person who's really had a rough go on multiple fronts who deserves a 2nd chance at what you want out of life. I don't know what you've gone through, but I'd be happy to listen. Do you think maybe something radical would change your situation? New change of scenery?.....I don't know a fresh start somewhere else? Sorry if I rambled too long.
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Old 10-22-16, 04:41 PM   #7
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Thanks for the reply, Dax.

I don't really get sparks of joy from art. And certainly not that from any art community I've ever been in. But it's the only thing I can do that doesn't totally suck. Even then, lately, I'm totally lacking motivation, because every fiber screams "Why bother?"

And really, art doesn't love me. It doesn't love me at all. Art is like money, it doesn't care who you are, it just is. It's like when people ask me what a piece means...the answer: What does it mean to you? (it doesn't matter what it meant to me)

Re: Art...
I'm just a conduit. There are hundred, thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of artistic and creative conduits. No shortage of skilled painters. No shortage of novel ideas. Why am I needed? ...thinking I'm not.

It's really bad when only strangers would care or even notice if you were gone. If I were carjacked and killed, it would take days before anyone noticed I was gone. Even then no one knows my plate number in this state, I would just disappear, and the car probably successfully stolen. Literally no one cares about me, and those that do, don't care enough to notice.

Jeezum. I wonder how my grandmother must feel :(
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Old 10-22-16, 05:18 PM   #8
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Having that connection, being near those who truly value you....and not having that is big. Given that, I doubt I'd feel much either. When did you start feeling this way?
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Old 10-22-16, 05:24 PM   #9
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I have been depressed since I was very young.

In fact, the only time in my life that I've ever been happy was with her. Alas. Seems likely never again.

I'm told I shouldn't put stock in it. That I should let it go. But I also have no faith that it's possible I meet another her. I feel I say that with confidence, as, I was married and didn't feel the way in 5 years this woman made me feel across all 7. I have met hundreds, if not thousands of "potential mates" in my life. No one has ever made me feel like she does...the chances only get worse as I get older that I'll find someone with that effect on me. And I'm not sure I will even allow myself to realize they could have this effect.

To make it worse, I know she still loves me, but simply won't allow herself (logically, somehow) to be with me. I'm not sure how much longer my body will physically bear this pain.

I've been feeling completely and utterly, irreparably, broken for 559 days now.

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Old 10-22-16, 06:03 PM   #10
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Aw I see, ....so she is unwilling to reconcile? I am sorry that it didn't work out, I unfortunately can relate to those deep feelings. Though my experience is a lot different from yours. The only things that have kept me around was I had some beautiful friendships. And even now, those are gone. Have you had the chance to mourn your loss? Or was everyone's "solution" was to go find someone else?
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