Every morning I wake up, wether it's from a bad dream (never a nice one) or my current gf going to work.
First it starts with a heaviness on my chest, like something that is pushing me down.
My mouth closes up and I can't get any words out. All I can do is think to myself. And then they all start rushing in , memories mixed with fantasy , each scene adds to the physical and emotional pain.
My first suicidal thought came when I was around 7/8 . I remember crying in my mothers arms that I wish I was dead.
Surely that's not normal for a child. I feel so out of touch with the rest of humanity. It seems to hard to fit in.
My family are literally happier without me. My mum suffers from depression as well and it got bad when my brother died. I'll never forget my mum crying , shouting she wished I had of died instead of him.
She kicked me out at 14. Sent me to live with my dad. Lol."dad"
I was around blokes aged 50+ working full time or in the pub. These guys weren't succeful. They didn't have wives or children. If they did they were divorced and didn't see their kids anymore.
I never had a childhood. Instead I'm sat in my dads house with his tenant 50+ smoking crack cocaine. Why was I exposed to that when I'm already feeling isolated.
skip a couple years later and I've been sent to live and kicked out of every willing member of the families home.
I'm 21 now and I've been a drug dealer for 5 years. Barely any education. Can I add my dad refused to put me into a school when I lived with him.
I don't know where to go or what to do. I literally have no hope.
Everything I come into contact with I ruin. It hurts so much inside. I'm not stupid everyday I look for a reason to live. Try and take my mind off things. But it doesn't work. I really don't want to be here at all.
I feel I'm incapable of doing anything. I miss my best friend and my nana. I'm not a believer in heaven so I can't take any comfort that id even see them in the after life. I lost the love of my life as well. God she made it so hard to be with at sometimes but I'm aware that so was I. I could of had her back but I fucked it and now it's over for good. I know that she was the one for me. I've never cared about somebody that much before. I've got no future with anyone else because they will never be her. Plus I have nothing to offer anyone.
I have no plans no ideas no dreams no real friends no family and at the minute I'm in £900 debt. Today I'm placing £600 on a 3 team accumulator. If I win I can pay off my debt, as well as having a £1000 savings. Then maybe I can start from there and give life another shot.
If I loose I'm taking it as the universes way of telling me that's it.
I really really don't want people to know its a suicide or to even be found anytime soon. I'd like to just disappear like I never existed . Maybe spread a few rumours around I've come into money and I'm moving abroad so anyone who knew me thinks I'm living it up somewhere. When in reality I'll be cold stiff and alone. That's how I've felt these past 21 years anyways.
I really don't think I can take another 24hrs of this but I'll be persistent and wait for fate to intervene it's only one more day in hell I guess.