Whatís the point?
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Whatís the point?

This is a discussion on Whatís the point? within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I’m 20 years old and I hate myself, for current reasons and past ones. I had an awful time in ...

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Old 07-15-18, 05:28 PM   #1
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Default Whatís the point?

I’m 20 years old and I hate myself, for current reasons and past ones.

I had an awful time in grade school and being treated badly by students and teachers alike. It wasn’t as bad as some bullying horror stories but putting up with it for years really took its toll. During that time 6 or 7 years ago I killed 2 of my pets (not at the same time). It was an accident, but it was because I was doing some fucked up shit that I shouldn’t have been doing. To this day I don’t know why I did it but I regret it badly. Then a couple years later we got a dog, which I didn’t try to kill but did somewhat abuse on a regular basis. I don’t do it anymore, but I feel like a piece of fucking shit for everything I just mentioned.

Now why I currently hate myself:

People have told me I’m a good person but I just can’t believe that after what I’ve done. Plus I try to be a good person but what does it matter because I’m mean to some of my family, some of which is solely out of habit. I’m also mean when I’m hurting and bitter.

I’m halfway through college and am already wondering if it was a mistake to even bother going. I’m not a very good student, I don’t know how to study or manage my time properly and I feel like I’ve just been scraping by and not doing college the right way.

I’m very unmotivated. I don’t want to do much of anything, not even exercise anymore. All I want to do is be on my phone because I’m addicted and can’t even go a whole day without using it.

I also beat myself up very badly when I mess up. Yesterday I fucked up really bad at work and froze up when I was supposed to take action. I saw what was happening but just didn’t process it and act on it. I cried about it for 45 minutes straight and thought maybe I should just kill myself for making a mistake like that after I’ve been working that job for so long. I’m still ashamed to call myself someone who works that kind of job.

I think I’m stupid, worthless, a slob, and a bad person who won’t amount to anything. What’s the point to keep on living then? I feel like I’m just existing.
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Old 07-15-18, 06:41 PM   #2
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Welcome to this forum..i am reading your entry and i can only see that you are perhaps suffering from low self esteem due to bullying?i do not understand the part of harming your pets...first time i ever heard about this?i heard of cutting,self harm...but not pet torture..no...i cannot imagine hurting my cat..some people hate themselves for what society does to them...a lot of folks create guilt,remorse,anger and anxiety which in the long run takes its toll on how their life goes on....if people tell you that you are a good person then you got some value in their eyes...it seems to me you lack motivation and determination..try to do something about it..on this forum you can tell what's upon your liver...we listen and do not judge..a cellphone addiction becomes nefast when internet use rules your live minute by minute...i got friends who are totally addicted to lots of things and can't do without their addictions...we all are addicted to something in a way since society makes us act like that...nobody is stupid,lazy,bad,useless etc.. unless we make our mind feeling that way...living on is worthwhile,believe me...life is good when we make it good... thanks for your openhearted and honest posting...carry on in a different way,Lostgirl
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Old 07-16-18, 12:57 PM   #3
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Thank you for your kind reply, it does help. Yes, I needed somewhere to let it out. I agree with you about the animal thing and thatís why Iím being so viciously unforgiving to myself. If itís any consolation to myself Iíd never do anything like that nowadays
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Old 07-22-18, 02:27 AM   #4
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You absolutely need to forgive yourself.

I know it may seem counter-intuitive. You don't want to reward any past bad action with self-love. But the important part is you're still here, and you're learning, and you want to be a better person, and you're trying. Never stop trying. Don't forget the past, but accept it and respect it for what you've learned already from it. Trust yourself with the knowledge that you can do better. Trust that every failure is just a step further towards learning how to handle newer, bigger problems.

You're not this immutable being that got stuck the way you were several years ago. You're human, and you're not fully the same person as you were even two months ago. You say you don't know why you did what you did... it's because you really don't even actually know. Because you're not that person anymore.

Every good thing you do still matters, and these are the acts you should encourage in yourself. Do your best to think in terms of rewarding yourself for positive actions than harming or disparaging yourself for negative actions.
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Old 07-22-18, 11:47 AM   #5
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I’m 20 years old and I hate myself, for current reasons and past ones.

Do you get some satisfaction from it? Is it self-serving in some way?

I had an awful time in grade school and being treated badly by students and teachers alike. It wasn’t as bad as some bullying horror stories but putting up with it for years really took its toll. During that time 6 or 7 years ago I killed 2 of my pets (not at the same time). It was an accident, but it was because I was doing some fucked up shit that I shouldn’t have been doing. To this day I don’t know why I did it but I regret it badly. Then a couple years later we got a dog, which I didn’t try to kill but did somewhat abuse on a regular basis. I don’t do it anymore, but I feel like a piece of fucking shit for everything I just mentioned.

Now why I currently hate myself:

People have told me I’m a good person but I just can’t believe that after what I’ve done. Plus I try to be a good person but what does it matter because I’m mean to some of my family, some of which is solely out of habit. I’m also mean when I’m hurting and bitter.

I’m halfway through college and am already wondering if it was a mistake to even bother going. I’m not a very good student, I don’t know how to study or manage my time properly and I feel like I’ve just been scraping by and not doing college the right way.

I’m very unmotivated. I don’t want to do much of anything, not even exercise anymore. All I want to do is be on my phone because I’m addicted and can’t even go a whole day without using it.

I also beat myself up very badly when I mess up. Yesterday I fucked up really bad at work and froze up when I was supposed to take action. I saw what was happening but just didn’t process it and act on it. I cried about it for 45 minutes straight and thought maybe I should just kill myself for making a mistake like that after I’ve been working that job for so long. I’m still ashamed to call myself someone who works that kind of job.

I think I’m stupid, worthless, a slob, and a bad person who won’t amount to anything. What’s the point to keep on living then? I feel like I’m just existing.

Does it soothe you to insult yourself?

Shit happens and shit will keep happening. Time to forgive. And yes you will mess up again, which is why you have to forgive yourself and others again and again. We all fall short. There are no sages, I don't think.
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Old 07-22-18, 11:48 AM   #6
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Why should you be a good person? Because in my opinion, your virtue is *the* only thing under your control. So don't hurt yourself.
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