I’m 20 years old and I hate myself, for current reasons and past ones.
I had an awful time in grade school and being treated badly by students and teachers alike. It wasn’t as bad as some bullying horror stories but putting up with it for years really took its toll. During that time 6 or 7 years ago I killed 2 of my pets (not at the same time). It was an accident, but it was because I was doing some fucked up shit that I shouldn’t have been doing. To this day I don’t know why I did it but I regret it badly. Then a couple years later we got a dog, which I didn’t try to kill but did somewhat abuse on a regular basis. I don’t do it anymore, but I feel like a piece of fucking shit for everything I just mentioned.
Now why I currently hate myself:
People have told me I’m a good person but I just can’t believe that after what I’ve done. Plus I try to be a good person but what does it matter because I’m mean to some of my family, some of which is solely out of habit. I’m also mean when I’m hurting and bitter.
I’m halfway through college and am already wondering if it was a mistake to even bother going. I’m not a very good student, I don’t know how to study or manage my time properly and I feel like I’ve just been scraping by and not doing college the right way.
I’m very unmotivated. I don’t want to do much of anything, not even exercise anymore. All I want to do is be on my phone because I’m addicted and can’t even go a whole day without using it.
I also beat myself up very badly when I mess up. Yesterday I fucked up really bad at work and froze up when I was supposed to take action. I saw what was happening but just didn’t process it and act on it. I cried about it for 45 minutes straight and thought maybe I should just kill myself for making a mistake like that after I’ve been working that job for so long. I’m still ashamed to call myself someone who works that kind of job.
I think I’m stupid, worthless, a slob, and a bad person who won’t amount to anything. What’s the point to keep on living then? I feel like I’m just existing.