So we all die someday.
I read those "rules" CAREFULLY before posting this.
A lot to swallow.
I'm miserable. I'm 41, I've accomplished NOTHING... I have zero bills and debts outside of a few thousand dollars to creditors, a car payment, insurance, etc. And a phone bill I guess.
I live in California, and I hate it.
I just got out of a relationship and she doesn't want me back.
I'm living out of my car.
All my family lives in Florida or Ohio. None of them give a crap, or if they do, I don't know about it.
I tried posting that I was depressed on Facebook, my boss tore me a new one. For posting about being sad. He told me and I'm quoting here, "Grow something CLOSE to a set of balls and stop complaining".
I barely eat anymore. I used to have a drugs problem, but not really anymore. I don't even smoke weed. I sleep all day (when I'm not working one of my three jobs)
All I do is get sad.
The doctor gave me valium. It used to KIND OF work. Now it doesn't do crap.
I've heard ALL the platitudes, "Oh it'll get better" or "Oh OTHER people have it SO MUCH WORSE!" (worse than homelessness, having NO ONE?!?) or... "Talk to somebody" - yeah right, the suicide lines hung up on me twice.
I just have no will.
I read all the rules on this HEAVILY censored internet. How the hell can you even PRETEND to talk about this stuff without actually TALKING ABOUT IT?
It doesn't matter anyways. I don't have the balls to kill myself, I really don't.
So THERE. I won't be talking about plans or timelines because, every time i even THINK about it (which is a LOT) - I know I wouldn't have the balls. I couldn't even eat a pill if I KNEW 100% that it would work and that I wouldn't feel any pain.
I'm STUCK in the same job for 10 years, no health insurance, and my teeth are going to crap.
I tried religion, it doesn't work. I believe in a GOD but ....
the truth is I'm too smart. I really am. And I'm really lazy.
I know i'm jumping all over, but the TRUTH is I don't WANT to die. I want to meet a nice girl, (who the hell wants a 41 year old living out of his car?!?) and have a family. I've had people OPENLY tell me "Ohh, you're getting too old to have a family" ...
its all just such a whatever.
I have NO IDEA why I'm even posting this.
No one here is going to jump up and "help" me. I'm not going to find the woman of my dreams on a gawsh damn depression forum.
I just... the happiest part of my day is when I sleep- all day- in my car. On the days I'm NOT working, or doing uber/lyft... on the side.
i have no joys, no passions. I can't even watch t.v. (before I gave it away, I should say..) because... nothing holds my interest. I don't listen to music anymore unless I'm at work ("you should be GRATEFUL, YOU WORM! Some people don't even HAVE JOBS!") sure, sure
I've heard it all. The worst part is how well I can get on with COMPLETE strangers, but when people get to know me, they hate me.
I'm always alone, swimming in a sea of people that don't understand me- or worse, if they do, they RUN.
I've tried dating sites, it's a joke.
I'm not even BAD LOOKING, but.... *sigh*
I just don't know I don't even know WHAT to say here, without breaking some arbitrary rule or pissing someone off or saying something that's been said a million times.