you can call me T. Im male. 22 Y/O for you.
Im not american or from any other english speaking country, but feel free to express yourself however you like because my english skills are good.
This is going to be a long post, about a rather simple thing, but I ask for your attention and your best arguments to continue living. I swear, Im gonna do that.
PLEASE. READ ALL OF IT. HELP ME.
I have had suicidal thoughts for more than a year. Im trapped in a circle of "don't do it, for death is absoulte and sad", and "do it! it will free you from your misery fool". The more time goes on, I lean to the side of "do it". Later in this post, Im gonna explain my condition im more detail.
If youv'e read this far, let me share my reason with you.
You see... I got this problem with my life. unlike most people who walk the earth, I belong to the groop of people who are being called "ugly".
well, not everyone is a poster boy, I am well aware of that. In the stupid, toxic way of rating people's looks with numbers, most people are a 5-6/10. and that's OK. When you are a 5-6, you could still find someone who will love you and you will love back. Someone who will be there for you. Someone who will bear you a child. Your looks are not a bonus, but are not in the way also. She may like you or she may not, but don't worry pal, someone will see you for the person you are.
The problem begins when you are a 4/10 or below. I recommend you to stop reading this thread if you are struggeling with this issue yourself, for Im gonna tackle it head on.
Life just sucks. I got big ears. Its genetic, my father got it. my brother got it.
I am skinny, so skinny. honesly, I don't know why.
My face, oh this was Satan's little project, I swear. (I am not religious) Nothing is just "in place", you know? I got moles on half my face. 12 of them to be accurate. not those small ones that you don't notice, Im talking middle-sized ones that you can clearly detect at first sight.
I can't grow beard. At all. I shave my mustache and my chin, because when it grows it is hedious. I look like a pedophile that way so it's better to stay clean, which... does't help my babe face! oh shit... already told you that Im 22, but I look 16.
16!!!! Im an adult. I feel like one. I am one, but Im treated as a child wherever I go.
I got curly hair. not the silky, nice one. Im talking very coily and dry hair, so thick. F my life.
My nose... when satan designed my face, he must have tought "hmm... when looking from the side, people might mistake him to be normal. let's give gim this long, un-curvy nose so that there will be no room for mistake muhahahaha".
I got good thick, elegant eyebrows. finally a score for me huh? Nope. that's becase they are too close to each other. actually, they are connected. I pluck the space between them to seperate them but they still are too damn close to each other.
brown eyes (well , now Im just bitching... they are not that bad and in fact somewhat green... I just always think that "special" colored eyes might have saved me... oh well...)
Man, satan just nailed it with this face. One of his best works yet. OFC there are people worse than me (there always are, arent there?), but what I got... is just bad.
As you might have thought, it gets in the way. It bites and stings every aspect of life.
I was bullied in class.
I was never loved sexually.
I was pushed aside.
I was casted out.
I have so much. So much painfull memories of being called ugly. By bullies. By friends. By people who don't even know me. Sometimes, even without words, just by that look in the eyes I can tell that the person Im talking to is trying to figure out how to process my looks.
Those memories... why can't I just forget?
You probable have already formed an opinion in me based on my writing style, and you can see that Im not a bad person. I only with the best for every living being.
Why cant I forget the kids in class who wouldn't befriend me just because I was ugly.
Why cant I forget that girl I didn't knew, that I tried to joke with in the school, and she called me ugly in response and walked away.
Why cant I forget this moment just a few months ago, when I acted in front of a close friend. You know what he told me? he said "Your acting is good but you will never be an actor because you don't look good".
Why cant I forget that son a bitch colleague who loughed at my ears in front of everyone in the office for no apperent reason. When he brought his child to work, I played with him god damn it. I know he's just a terrible person but the world is filled by terrible persons.
Oh god... why can't I forget that one girl that dated me an year ago. She is so fucking beautiful. I swear that the moon looks at her with jelous eyes. She was so kind to me. To everyone. I knew her from my former workplace. She went, and is still going through a lot in her life, but she is always optimistic and cheerfull. Even when she is sad she still makes me happy because I knew I could help her. I didn't kiss her back in the car. I knew that someone sort of forced a kiss on her and I was the person she talked to that night at 2AM. I didn't want to be him. I decidet to wait for a sign from her first.
But sadly... after out first and only date, she started avoiding me. She gave me a bad excuse about how she is not ready to be with someone, but dated another guy 4 months later. we didn't speak at anymore that time.
Im so happy that he cheated on her before they even got serious.
I was the person she talked to about that. After a while I asked her again, same lie. and she refused again. She values me. She thinks the world of me. But I just know that. Its my looks. She deserves better than me. She deserves the best there is.
I wish she will find someone who will not make her just smile, but would F*** the shit out of her and give her crazy sex, because attraction is just a part of a relationship and she deserves to be desired too.
She will be a good mother too.
I know there are other girls in the world, or as many would say - "many fish in the sea".
I have friends who are girls.
Every girl that I tried to proceed with always refused to date.
I can make a girl lough. I can make them happy, I can make them drop tears when I play the Piano and sing. Its my looks. Im good as a friend. Im good as a tool. Im not good as a boyfriend. That's a fact. End of story. Being a 22YO virgin says a lot about your looks.
Im smart. Very smart. Even the "cool guys" in my life like me for that. I know interesting stuff. I can think my way out of bad situations. Im a Computer guy, and musician. Im funny. I got intellegent humor on my side.
But in spite of that, no one will go to the bar with me to hit on girls.
You want to go to the movies? invite T ofcourse! he knows everything there is about to know about the avengers. I like him, he's funny.
Going to the bar/club to find some girs? well... T is very ugly. Better not bring him along.
Its hard to live like that. To be inferior to everyone else around you because you look like a mistake. To be so appreciated but never loved.
No one never said "I love you" to me.
No one ever will.
I don't love me. Im so ugly. I can't really blame anyone for hating my looks. It's in our nature to not like ugly people.
I feel so bad everytime I see myself in the mirror. Or in a photo. Or in a reflection on the bus.
I hate this useless shell that Im living in so much.
My father is less ugly than me, but still so ugly.
The problem is in my cursed blood. My garbage genes that exist in everyone of my damned cells.
The best thing that my father couldv'e done in his life is to realize that he will have ugly childern like him, and not give me birth.
Realizing this, I won't ever have a child. I suffer so much. I should never create another tiny human who will suffer just as I do.
With no will to have children, I have no reason to live other to wait for everyone I love die from old age. I am not loved and won't ever have childer. This is real. I sometimes forget that. I dream that Im hugged. That someone shows some love towards me. But then I wake up and go to brush my teeth, just to see this monster in the mirror. He looks at me and I look at him. Sometimes I like to think that its the reflection that is disgusted by looking at me and not me disgusted looking at it.
I hurt myself. I self-harm and don't even really know why. Im not afraid of impulses. I wait for them.
Sometimes Im so sad that I just can't hold my body anymore. I fall to the floor and lay down until I can bring myself up again. I just have no will to get up as nothing is waiting for me out there. No love.
Suicide is my solution.
The only problem is thad suicide is very painfull and risky, no matter what.
I do it like a fool and end up in a psychic ward - I lose.
I beg you.
Change my life with a smart comment with a few words that I can't think of.
Tell me something that will make me think that me children won't be as mentally miserable as me.
I want to do it so much, I owe that to myself. But im patient enough to hear whatever you guys and girls have to say.
god I hope that you've read that...