Want to kill myself. Please attend me.
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Want to kill myself. Please attend me.

This is a discussion on Want to kill myself. Please attend me. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; hello friends. you can call me T. Im male. 22 Y/O for you. Im not american or from any other ...

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Old 08-04-18, 04:36 PM   #1
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Default Want to kill myself. Please attend me.

hello friends.
you can call me T. Im male. 22 Y/O for you.
Im not american or from any other english speaking country, but feel free to express yourself however you like because my english skills are good.
This is going to be a long post, about a rather simple thing, but I ask for your attention and your best arguments to continue living. I swear, Im gonna do that.

I have had suicidal thoughts for more than a year. Im trapped in a circle of "don't do it, for death is absoulte and sad", and "do it! it will free you from your misery fool". The more time goes on, I lean to the side of "do it". Later in this post, Im gonna explain my condition im more detail.

If youv'e read this far, let me share my reason with you.

You see... I got this problem with my life. unlike most people who walk the earth, I belong to the groop of people who are being called "ugly".
well, not everyone is a poster boy, I am well aware of that. In the stupid, toxic way of rating people's looks with numbers, most people are a 5-6/10. and that's OK. When you are a 5-6, you could still find someone who will love you and you will love back. Someone who will be there for you. Someone who will bear you a child. Your looks are not a bonus, but are not in the way also. She may like you or she may not, but don't worry pal, someone will see you for the person you are.

The problem begins when you are a 4/10 or below. I recommend you to stop reading this thread if you are struggeling with this issue yourself, for Im gonna tackle it head on.

Life just sucks. I got big ears. Its genetic, my father got it. my brother got it.
I am skinny, so skinny. honesly, I don't know why.
My face, oh this was Satan's little project, I swear. (I am not religious) Nothing is just "in place", you know? I got moles on half my face. 12 of them to be accurate. not those small ones that you don't notice, Im talking middle-sized ones that you can clearly detect at first sight.
I can't grow beard. At all. I shave my mustache and my chin, because when it grows it is hedious. I look like a pedophile that way so it's better to stay clean, which... does't help my babe face! oh shit... already told you that Im 22, but I look 16.
16!!!! Im an adult. I feel like one. I am one, but Im treated as a child wherever I go.
I got curly hair. not the silky, nice one. Im talking very coily and dry hair, so thick. F my life.
My nose... when satan designed my face, he must have tought "hmm... when looking from the side, people might mistake him to be normal. let's give gim this long, un-curvy nose so that there will be no room for mistake muhahahaha".
I got good thick, elegant eyebrows. finally a score for me huh? Nope. that's becase they are too close to each other. actually, they are connected. I pluck the space between them to seperate them but they still are too damn close to each other.
brown eyes (well , now Im just bitching... they are not that bad and in fact somewhat green... I just always think that "special" colored eyes might have saved me... oh well...)

Man, satan just nailed it with this face. One of his best works yet. OFC there are people worse than me (there always are, arent there?), but what I got... is just bad.
As you might have thought, it gets in the way. It bites and stings every aspect of life.
I was bullied in class.
I was never loved sexually.
I was pushed aside.
I was casted out.

I have so much. So much painfull memories of being called ugly. By bullies. By friends. By people who don't even know me. Sometimes, even without words, just by that look in the eyes I can tell that the person Im talking to is trying to figure out how to process my looks.
Those memories... why can't I just forget?

You probable have already formed an opinion in me based on my writing style, and you can see that Im not a bad person. I only with the best for every living being.
and so...

Why cant I forget the kids in class who wouldn't befriend me just because I was ugly.
Why cant I forget that girl I didn't knew, that I tried to joke with in the school, and she called me ugly in response and walked away.
Why cant I forget this moment just a few months ago, when I acted in front of a close friend. You know what he told me? he said "Your acting is good but you will never be an actor because you don't look good".
Why cant I forget that son a bitch colleague who loughed at my ears in front of everyone in the office for no apperent reason. When he brought his child to work, I played with him god damn it. I know he's just a terrible person but the world is filled by terrible persons.
Oh god... why can't I forget that one girl that dated me an year ago. She is so fucking beautiful. I swear that the moon looks at her with jelous eyes. She was so kind to me. To everyone. I knew her from my former workplace. She went, and is still going through a lot in her life, but she is always optimistic and cheerfull. Even when she is sad she still makes me happy because I knew I could help her. I didn't kiss her back in the car. I knew that someone sort of forced a kiss on her and I was the person she talked to that night at 2AM. I didn't want to be him. I decidet to wait for a sign from her first.
But sadly... after out first and only date, she started avoiding me. She gave me a bad excuse about how she is not ready to be with someone, but dated another guy 4 months later. we didn't speak at anymore that time.
Im so happy that he cheated on her before they even got serious.
I was the person she talked to about that. After a while I asked her again, same lie. and she refused again. She values me. She thinks the world of me. But I just know that. Its my looks. She deserves better than me. She deserves the best there is.
I wish she will find someone who will not make her just smile, but would F*** the shit out of her and give her crazy sex, because attraction is just a part of a relationship and she deserves to be desired too.
She will be a good mother too.

I know there are other girls in the world, or as many would say - "many fish in the sea".
I have friends who are girls.
Every girl that I tried to proceed with always refused to date.
I can make a girl lough. I can make them happy, I can make them drop tears when I play the Piano and sing. Its my looks. Im good as a friend. Im good as a tool. Im not good as a boyfriend. That's a fact. End of story. Being a 22YO virgin says a lot about your looks.

Im smart. Very smart. Even the "cool guys" in my life like me for that. I know interesting stuff. I can think my way out of bad situations. Im a Computer guy, and musician. Im funny. I got intellegent humor on my side.
But in spite of that, no one will go to the bar with me to hit on girls.
You want to go to the movies? invite T ofcourse! he knows everything there is about to know about the avengers. I like him, he's funny.
Going to the bar/club to find some girs? well... T is very ugly. Better not bring him along.

Its hard to live like that. To be inferior to everyone else around you because you look like a mistake. To be so appreciated but never loved.
No one never said "I love you" to me.
No one ever will.
I don't love me. Im so ugly. I can't really blame anyone for hating my looks. It's in our nature to not like ugly people.
I feel so bad everytime I see myself in the mirror. Or in a photo. Or in a reflection on the bus.
I hate this useless shell that Im living in so much.
My father is less ugly than me, but still so ugly.
The problem is in my cursed blood. My garbage genes that exist in everyone of my damned cells.
The best thing that my father couldv'e done in his life is to realize that he will have ugly childern like him, and not give me birth.
Realizing this, I won't ever have a child. I suffer so much. I should never create another tiny human who will suffer just as I do.
With no will to have children, I have no reason to live other to wait for everyone I love die from old age. I am not loved and won't ever have childer. This is real. I sometimes forget that. I dream that Im hugged. That someone shows some love towards me. But then I wake up and go to brush my teeth, just to see this monster in the mirror. He looks at me and I look at him. Sometimes I like to think that its the reflection that is disgusted by looking at me and not me disgusted looking at it.

I hurt myself. I self-harm and don't even really know why. Im not afraid of impulses. I wait for them.
Sometimes Im so sad that I just can't hold my body anymore. I fall to the floor and lay down until I can bring myself up again. I just have no will to get up as nothing is waiting for me out there. No love.

Suicide is my solution.
The only problem is thad suicide is very painfull and risky, no matter what.
I do it like a fool and end up in a psychic ward - I lose.

I beg you.
Change my life with a smart comment with a few words that I can't think of.
Tell me something that will make me think that me children won't be as mentally miserable as me.
I want to do it so much, I owe that to myself. But im patient enough to hear whatever you guys and girls have to say.

god I hope that you've read that...

Last edited by WhyContinue; 08-04-18 at 04:39 PM.
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Old 08-07-18, 03:14 AM   #2
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whycontinue I am not sure I can say the right thing but I want you know I read all of your post and am paying attention, I believe you when you say you want help.

Bullies have so much to answer for, kids can be cruel little shits and those words stay with us for a long time. Have you seen anyone for some help with your depression? Getting help, with the right person can save your life. Its hard and often therapy is painful but it is not as painful as staying stuck feeling so crappy.

There might be things you can do to improve your looks, like a different haircut might help cover your ears or perhaps you can get the moles removed. You said you are skinny but most men don't fill out and bulk up till they are about 25 so your body is still changing. Hopefully some of the guys here respond - they will understand some of these body issues better than me.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad, suicide is not the answer,getting some help is the answer, please keep posting here and welcome to the forum
“Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently"

"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread." J.R.R. Tolkien
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Old 08-07-18, 04:01 PM   #3
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Hi, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'd love to talk. Hang in there :)
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Old 08-20-18, 02:00 PM   #4
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Hi T, thanks for sharing your story. I am feeling pretty down now too but keep going ok, I will too. About me, I have always been the shortest guy in class growing up and only got to 5'-5" as an adult. So obviously I have not had the easiest time with girls. I dated some but was single from 22-30 and did not find the love of my life till I was 34!!!! and married for the first time then. Even single you can have fun and live though. You are young, whole life ahead. I am happily married but still depressed right now. Happiness is something you can find in your self. And your a musician, one that can make them laugh. Hang in there buddy you will find someone, be happy for yourself in the meantime you deserve it, all good people do. I find the philosophy of stoicism helps me. Lots of good quotes and thoughts, look into it. hang in there, and this short guy will too!!

Last edited by ugabulldog; 08-20-18 at 02:04 PM.
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Old 08-20-18, 02:12 PM   #5
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Also, I was really lonely for years till 30 years old and when I found someone I took her for granted and lost her which was totally my fault. There was no worse feeling than knowing I was to blame for my misery. Sounds like you are definitely NOT to blame!!! Anyways, it was after this lowest point in my life that I finally found my current wife at 34. Life will give you chances and happiness if you let it.

Last edited by ugabulldog; 08-20-18 at 02:15 PM.
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Old 08-28-18, 03:04 PM   #6
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A whole lot to read here about yourself..what can i say more then the fact that since you see yourself ugly you got no self esteem,low confidence,an inferiority complex?we are here to listen,not to judge,that's not the purpose of this website...there are some great people here on this site,people who post positively to make anyone feel bit better at least..we cannot imagine how you must feel,but ugly or not==you're one of us now so do not do anything stupid...
i am gonna tell you one thing more==you're beautiful inside,my friend...and that counts..i met beautiful people in my life who were maybe good looking etc...but they were not good or beautiful inside...so...think about that...stay here and post openheartedly and tell us what's upon your liver,you will certainly get some mental support to make you feel better..there are peope here who can identify with you..and they will post...take care..
**Clouds come floating in my life,no longer to carry rain or usher storm,but to add colour to my sunset sky**
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Old 08-29-18, 11:25 PM   #7
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Hi T. Welcome to the forum. You're not alone here and your post is a great start on that path to managing life. You'll find that many people here have similar issues as well and often feel worthless and don't belong anywhere. I'm one of them.

You talk about your looks. Well, I look at myself and my looks are not what you call actor looks but then, look at some of the actors around. One example is Steve Buscemi. So that concept of having the lantern jaw, blonde hair, tall muscular look to be acceptable is complete nonsense. You've probably heard this before but I'll say it anyway. Accept yourself. You have other qualities (your post is well written and you sound quite intelligent, you have musical talent, you can do repairs on computers etc.) so screw the looks. And those that can't see that, well, they're a waste of your time.

You've posted about your genes. That's beyond your control so again, try not to waste your time worrying about them. You're able to respond to the world, you can move around on your own and seem in otherwise good health.

As for being skinny, I've been overweight my entire life. I've often envied the skinny guys many times and have been told that I should be skinny and not a fat 'tub of lard'. As for growing a beard, I've actually had people criticize me for how fast my hair grows and yes, I was shaving at the age of 18. I've had people make very ignorant remarks about my facial hair and was told I looked dirty and sloppy and that the bare, 'baby faced look' is far superior. That's part of the other side of the fence.

Don't be afraid to get counselling. It can help a lot. I wish I knew the magic words to erase your pain but all I can do is offer the above advice along with my own experiences to help you manage your pain.

Hope this helps you and above all, please remember that you're not alone here.
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