I don't know why I am here. I don't know what I expect to glean, maybe the hope that there might be someone or something out there to keep me from finally snapping, even if I can feel myself giving away.
I am 32 years old and a screw up. I had every opportunity that a spoiled brat from LA could have had and I squandered them all away. I knew going off to university at 18 was a bad idea because I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life (how many Rory Gilmores are there actually in existence?) and I wanted time to maybe mess around in community college. Find my way there. Not a choice.
Okay, that's a lie. I could have put my foot down, and if it meant leaving my parent's house I could have found a room to rent or something, but I always take the path of least resistance. So no. I didn't fight it. I changed my major 5 times. I transferred to a garbage state school in the Central Valley just to get out of LA. After 6 years I got an absolutely useless degree that I never used. I spent 3 years in a call center before the abuse destroyed my life. I took short term disability for a few months before I resigned. If you've never experienced hell--may I suggest the emotional abuse one will find in a call center used for retention purposes? You learn first hand how mean and awful most people are. How cruel they can be...how they will treat you like you aren't human just to get something for free.
I'm not good with people to begin with, and that's why I am currently friendless. I've always been a second tier friend at best. Right now, I have a handful of online people I banter back and forth with, but no one I truly consider a friend. I have the "luxury" of writing this diatribe because I am just sitting here alone. I have tried to befriend people recently, but it blows up in my face. The last time I went out with a potential friend, I could tell she was bursting at the seams to get me to leave so she could hang out with her other friends. I was so out of place. I cried the whole drive home. We haven't spoken since.
I eventually got another job. I do merchandising part time, and it is okay work. It's solitary, and I have never met a coworker. I've met my boss twice in the 9 months I have been with the company. It's a good fit, if not for the fact it is part time and pays so little. I should have a better job, to be honest. My degree should allow me some semblance of normalcy--a desk job in a high rise or something--but I have never done that kind of work. And, 8 years out of college competing with people literally a decade younger than me, who would give me the time of day?
I am being priced out of my Central Valley hell hole, but I haven't anywhere to go. I don't get along with my parents (despite them subsidizing my living expenses because I can't support myself) so I can't move back to LA. I want to move to Arizona but I can't figure out how to reasonably make that happen. I don't know that things would actually be different for me there, despite the fact that the only place I have ever felt even sort of at peace was in the Sonoran Desert. It is my paradise.
I am married, and I think my husband is a maniac for being with me. He is a much better person than I am. He has a career. He can support himself. He is attractive. He also has no interest in Arizona.
It's sad because I remember going to a work party with him. I was so out of place that I sat alone on the couch, IMing my internet buddy because I had nothing to say to these people. "Oh, you just bought a 40k truck? Well, I didn't have to clean up cheesecake someone let rot on one of my displays yesterday so things are going pretty good for me as well." And he was talking to this girl. She works with him. She didn't squander her degree, so she had a fancy scientific job title making more money in a month than I did all of last year. She was younger and prettier--much more his physical type. I Facebook stalked her when I got home just to find out she even shares the same political views as he does (for the record, being the Mary Matalin to his James Carville is far too difficult to maintain in practice these days). But...I saw the spark between them, and I saw that she was more his equal. She would make him happy. She would probably get along with his family (they absolutely hate me). And I just felt so painfully selfish. A better person would let him go. Force him to be with a person who compliments him rather than drags him down like I do.
I want to fix my life. I am not going to lie and say that the idea of wrapping myself in my blankets and never leaving bed doesn't appeal to me, but I don't know how. I attempted Grad school a few years back only to fail and to land on my face. I don't know that there is anything I truly do well at. When my parents both independently suggest I get retail jobs, I feel crushed. I can't deal with the cruelty of people and moreover...maybe I need to believe that degree can count for something.
I just feel trapped here, because I haven't an escape plan. I might be able to get my husband to agree to move, just not to Arizona where my heart is. And what if nothing ever changes? Because I know the fault is with me and I have made it this far without any answers.
I know my husband would thrive and be happier without me. My parents would enjoy the extra income they wouldn't waste on keeping me in a place I hate. I'd name other people, but there isn't anyone else I can think of that might be affected if I just disappeared.
So what do I do? Is there anything left?