im so tired
ive had a rough life from around the age of 5 and it hasnt stopped. the only respite i have is when im staying away from home with a friend, even that is brief and sparse.
Ive survived abuse and bullying from a young age, of most types. I have several diagnosed and undiagnosed but suspected mental and physical conditions.
Im trans and bi. I first tried to kill myself just before my 12th birthday. There have been several interupted or too stupid to suceed attempts since then. I have few friends, essentially all of them online. Ive met a few of them in person a couple of times. i have no self confidence or self worth. I have unending revulsion for myself, i have for as long as i remember. almost every person, without fail, in a position of power over me has abused me in various severities and methods from that which i still have nightmares about almost weekly, several times a week when its bad and some i barely remember. some so bad i barely remember.
I was going to kill myself not long ago when i got a message out of the blue from a friend i see in person about once a year. my closest friend. i decided to make myself wait one more miserable, painful, exhausting year.
I feel lost. I've one relationship, which ended in flames. my fault.
I'm in pain most of the time, discomfort all of the time. not even sleep is escape as im normally haunted by nightmares. i sleep anywhere between unhealthy amounts to so little i'll likely die before im middle aged. ive had problems with drugs and alcohol (always downers, apart from when i was drinking scary amounts of coffee but that hardly counts) since I was 15. I feel like I have nobody to talk to. I've been failed by healthcare, partly my own fauly/neglect. I want to dissappear.
I have nobody who I can really talk to. If I even skim the surface with even those who know me more than anybody else they obviously dont want to hear any of it. or it comes off like im fishing for reassurance or compliments but i just.. want somebody to hear me.. I feel so cripplingly lonely. I have a loving but inept mother, a father who I used to adore before I realised just how sick he is as I started to grow up. My bigest fear, now, is that I will become like him. anything that reminds me of him I hate. If I see any of him in myself, which I do often, I want to puke. Which is great because I have emetophobia. I have self harmed, never eaten properlt since i started having to feed myself, worked out to the point of burning out. I went down hard. Now I cant drink, dont do drugs. It just makes me so ill now. ive broken my body so much, i feel at least twice my age. I feel wise/aged beyond my years due to my trauma and other experiences but so naive due to my isolation from a young age. im a mess and i always have been. i was made that way. I have a little brother who I've tried to protect but failed.. so badly.. but i hope i spared him the worst. I keep forgiving my father but he fucks me over at every point. my cousins refuse to speak to him. I play nice for the sake of my nan who I am watching slowly die before me. she feels more like a parent. she has certainly done more than mine ever did. My aunt turned out fine, as did both my uncles. I have a half sister I havent seen in over 10 years. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if I just got cancer and died like that. I wouldnt have to suffer and people would take some small solace knowing I didnt do it. there was nothing that could be done. I am sick in the head. I have bullied people, ignored hate, ignored bullying, not spoke up. I havent spoken up about the majority of my abuse. I feel numb. also angry. mostly numb I disgust myself. Still people see good in me.. one person even trusts me enough to let me into her home, to sleep mere feet away from her. Why? What does she see in me that I dont? After who I was when I met her and all the years ive known her.. why does she consider me one of her best friends? is she complacent? does she just have nobody better? I care deeply for her but I've never understood what she sees in me. Especially considering all that ive done over those years.. Same goes for my other friends, most of which ive known for about a year now. i say most of which as if theres many of them.. still better than so many years i spent alone with the exception of my little brother. Sometimes not leaving the house for months at a time. my grandparents are good. my extended family are good.. my mother mother at least tries her best even if she has directly caused some serious pain. I feel like I'm too hard on her sometimes, others I feel like I'm just being sentimental because at least shes not as bad as my dad. I would kill him if I had the chance. I probably never will. At least not without it being obvious it wasnt an accident. I'm so careless worthless. You know what I hate most? Pity. I dont want people to pity me. I just dont wanna hide whats happened to me, yknow? I just want to be able to talk about my life without getting that horrific look. I lie. never about important things. always about little things.. and so often, almsot daily. I dont know why I do it but ive never been able to stop since I was little.Sometimes its so I'm safe. I think it started that way? now its a force of habit i guess.. I have little handle on my emotions but still more than Ive ever had before. I am shit at social anything in person, only incredibly bad online.. but still people seem to like having me around, unless its just pity. I need to get over myself and just sort shit out like an adult. I cant. I wont. I dont know. Im scared. Im tired. I feel hollow
I guess this could be classed as a cry for help. I just want to be able to let it out. There's so much more I havent said here. Some I will probably never say. I'm so tired.