I just need to tell someone so I came here.
I don't remember my exact age but it could have been between 2-5. My mother had me and my two brothers when she was between 18 and 21. I know we where a handful. And I can't blame her but I'm still effected by it.
I have a vivid memory of it. I remember standing in the doorway of her room and she was sitting on the bed holding a safety pin to her wrist and yelling at me, that if I wasn't good she was going to kill herself. Just asking if that's what I wanted.
I am thirty six now. A few years ago during lighter times I asked about it and she had no recollection of it. Sometimes I wonder if it was a horror movie and I remembered it wrong. But I still have this memory. I also remember as a kid between 5-10 I would some times threaten to kill myself or decide to and try to suffocate my self in my pillow. I know none of these examples of my mother or myself are serious attempts but the idea of suicide and the ready option have been with me my whole life. I don't know if any of this is normal.
She once confided to me and my brothers that when we were kids she would be driving us home and plan on crashing the car into a tree to kill herself and us at the same time. She said she would wait to see the perfect tree to use, but then couldn't find the right one.
I'm visiting my mother and father now. She had an outburst because of work stress and exploded on us. It just brought up these memories and my mind is racing and I'm finding my self considering suicide.
I'm feeling a lot of emotional pain and depression but I'm not going to do it.
My life is stressful now, but over all I have a good life. I struggled with schizoaffective disorder for five years and was hospitalized and medicated and was homeless and worked hard to build the tools to deal with it and focus my mind on building a good career and practicing hobbies and continue to improve and expand on those.
I've been an alcoholic thru all this but finally quit drinking just over a year ago.
I'm in the process of moving now because of rent increases and the winter is very slow in my line of work so it has been extra hard since I quit drinking and am trying to learn new coping mechanisms.
If any one read this, thank you for listening. I'm usually stronger and want to help anyone going thru hard times. Just now I don't have anyone I can share these things with and I wonder if any one is familiar with them.
Stay positive and be patient, kind people.