Three years ago, I went through my second sexual assault in my life. Ever since then, my life has been in a downward spiral. I find it hard to get the energy to get out of bed some days or even focus on any one thing, and I can't seem to get my life together. I have been suspended from school, and though I have been seeing a therapist for a while now, and though things with my school can be made better if I just do a certain things, I find it hard to be able to do those things. My grades are already poor enough that even going back to school and finishing my undergrad may not achieve anything. I am a financial burden on my parents who are at retirement age and are still working and have to worry about taking care of the rest of the family not just me. Going back to school will be expensive, and though I know my parents can afford it, it is terrible that I am a financial burden on them. My situation currently is pretty pathetic and for some reason my girlfriend is also still with me. I have no financial means other than my parents in supporting this relationship, which is now long distance, and she is miserable on the other end - with her only being able to see me every six months. I cannot seem to make her happy or my parents. My parents work so hard, and they always say that theyll finally be able to take a break once I settle down with my own career and I do not know if that is anywhere near possible.

I honestly cannot help but think about ending my own life for their sakes. My parents will be able to relax as they should ( they do way more than any other parents) and take care of themselves, and my girlfriend wont be stuck in a relationship that literally also makes her stuck. I love the people in my life and I know that they love me back and I know that my death will be a loss, but after a few years as the most, wouldn't the pros of my death start far outweighing the cons?

Hey!!!

Your train of thought seems very logical and reasonable but I promise you that it's only so reasonable in your current state of mind. To honestly believe that your family would rather bury you and spend the rest of their lives knowing they couldn't stop you from killing yourself than financially help you until your capable of striking out on your own is a complete illusion my friend.

In no alternate world, dimension or plane of existence is that reality the best option for your family or partner.

It sounds like your past has had a great impact on your self worth and its time to take back control of your life.

Regarding assault you have been through something terrible so please allow those experiences to make you more aware of your surroundings and keep out of situations that could be dangerous. Therapy is a very positive step to dealing with those experiences.

All of us at one time or another have to rely on our family and even our partners for support, one day when you are self sufficient you will be able to return the favor, this is just temporary! You must stop telling yourself these harmful things and see the truth as your family do.

There are no pros for them if you take your life! Time to make some positive changes my friend!

Hey there.

What are your thoughts about going to a rape crisis center and getting some counseling. It is free. Some centers offer support groups and such. I of course am not sure if you have tried that.

Are you in college in the United States? If so, you can take time off of school because of the sexual assault. It is law. Meaning exams everything.

The assault is not your fault and had nothing to do with your surroundings and you did not put yourself in any situation.

You have gone through so much. I do not purport to know how you feel but I too am a sexual assault survivor...more than once as well. I too have thoughts of suicide as well. I do not know the answer to your plights and circumstances but one thing is for sure...I am glad that you posted all this. It also seems that your girlfriend is support for you. Yes?

Hey ndjan1993

How have you been? Let us know how your feeling. Did you think on Angie's advice at all about talking to someone about your experiences?

She touched upon some wording I used which I really hope wasn't taken in the wrong way. When I mentioned surroundings and dangerous situations I was talking about keeping yourself safe in the future, I wasn't referring to things that happened in the past but I didn't explain myself very well.

Anyways I hope we hear from you again as I noticed this is your only post so far and I'd hope that's because your feeling a little better about things.

Take care!