Hi guys, I just want to vent so here I go.
Recently, I have changed my thinking from, “I want to die” to “I need to die”. Ever since I was a kid, I had this nostalgic feeling of solitude for as long as I can remember. It’s really hard to describe this feeling but it had a profound influence over my life. No matter how I tried to shake it, it never went away and it only grew stronger. I’d wake up feeling like I’ve shed a part of me or “reset” into a new person. People I hang out(used to) looked like strangers or I’d have a new preference to go about the day. I’ve tried fitting in, making friends, observed loving family environments and distracting myself with hobbies. All of em vague energy thrown into the void. I never really understood the concept of living life in this man made system, it just never clicked. Paying bills, filling out papers and securing a reputable status in society just to confirm my existence just seemed insane to me. I’m a mentally disorganized guy so all this clutter feels overwhelmingly stressful. Over time, these feelings turned to jaded emptiness and made me numb. My entire 24 years of life felt like a void. Over the years, I went through some sort of psychosis while feeling disconnected from reality, like it was never my life and I was just observing something alien.
I’ve considered suicide my junior year of high school. The only thing that stopped me from making that decision was the thought of my broken mother and family crying over my pitiful existence. So I’m still here 7 years later just existing. Tried to break this mental cage by changing my routine, learning new things, going to school and socializing but none of it mattered to me, I just didn’t care. It feels like I’m staring into the abyss. It feels like death is calling me. My life has been nothing but a road to self destruction, every action has led to this point. I can never put it into words but all I know that it’s a beautiful and accepting feeling.
I’ve considered going to a doctor or a therapist but don’t want to end up like the patients I see during work(I work at a hospital atm).
Every human being is a portrait with different fitted frames. There are portraits filled with happiness, success, radiance, sadness, insanity and destruction. Was I simply born to die by my own hands? Or is this all on me?
I apologize about rambling something crazy, just not sure what to do anymore.