I think I remember you as well :) I haven't been on for a while, if I saw your post I would have replied sooner. This is a loong post, but I hope it helps.
I know what it's like to do something on alcohol that you shouldn't, I've had my fair share of bad experiences. I think people like us tend to bottle up our feelings, partly out of embarrassment, partly out of not wanting to be a burden on others, and partly because we may feel there's nobody there to share our thoughts and feelings with. Sometimes when we've been drinking it exacerbates these feelings, and sometimes it lessens our ability to keep them bottled up so it all just bursts out of us. And, of course, sometimes this happens even when sober.
In a way we're similar. I know that everyone's pain is unique, but I think there's a similarity to pain. There's a famous line about the relation between unique historical events, "history doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes". Nobody ever fully understands the pain of another, but sometimes I think we can see a reflection of our own pain in someone else. A reflection isn't the same as the object, but if you understand one you know some things about the other.
I know how it is to feel like everything is doomed, to truly feel like these is no hope for a better future. I too did not have many friends for a long time; I only had two who were close - and sometimes life would make one, or both of them, drop out of my life for a while. There were also others who were like friends, but they left me out of things - and the more depressed I was the more I'd retract, and as the pain I tried to repress would burst out of me more and more frequently the less and less often they'd want to do things with me. It was a negative feedback loop where I hated the position I was in, and the way it made me feel just made my situation worse. All I ever wanted in life was friends and a partner to love me, but people around me would slip away and my loneliness only got worse. This didn't go on for a week, or a few months - it went on for years.
Some people don't understand what it's like to be by yourself when all you crave is company. In my isolation I'd look back over my past mistakes and cry; I'd cry for the friends I lost and for the opportunities I'd squandered. I cried for the relationships that could have been but that I never even tried to pursue; some because I was anxious, others because I thought I wasn't good enough. I cried for the ones I did pursue that ended in failure. It may sound silly, but once there was a girl a really liked and I could tell she liked me. For too long I didn't have the will to do anything about it, and when I did it was too late - I found out she was with someone else, and I could tell she didn't feel the same way about me anymore. This, in fact, happened with two different people. This kind of rejection, or missed opportunity, would be crushing normally - but when you are already all alone with almost no friends, and little contact with others, it only serves to solidify the feeling that the current state of life is permanent. Friends will only leave and the loneliness will be the only thing to keep you company. I've seen some of your posts and know you suffer from loneliness as well.
I think the problem with people like you and me is that we tend to reason from analogy, instead of from first principles. Reasoning from analogy can be useful; things that we have experience with can give us useful information on things that we are unfamiliar with, as long as there are similarities between them. The danger is that unless you are comparing two identical things, then there must be differences. This can sometimes lead to different outcomes, and if we assume the unknown is too similar to the known then we can form false beliefs about it. This is random, but consider the Falcon 9 rocket. Once you could say that reusable rockets like this had never been made, all attempts failed, so the new endeavour's like the old ones; doomed to the same fate. When the tests started, and when failure after failure occurred, then after each one you could say "it failed before, every time it has failed, it will not happen. Why do the people at SpaceX tell me it will one day be different?". But it did happen. You can see the failures here (the music is unfortunate given the gravity of what we are talking about, but maybe you can watch it with the volume off):
And the people at SpaceX knew it could happen because they reasoned from first principles; they knew that through their analysis of the physics, through what they knew of engineering, they knew it was possible - they knew that something that had never happened could happen. They knew that while they failed and failed, time and time again, that it was possible that things could be different.
You might think you will always be alone because of your past experience, but this is not necessarily true. Perhaps you see others who do not do well and think you will be the same. Perhaps you might even turn the tables, and say it is I who am reasoning from analogy, that I am comparing us and assuming things for you will likewise turn out as they did for me! I said reasoning from analogy can be useful, and I believe there is enough of a relation between our situations that it is useful - but let's say I'm wrong. Try to reason from first principles. Is there something in the laws of physics that prevents you from connecting with others? Are you unable to speak, unable to empathise? I think you have the ability to feel a deep connection with others, even if it has not worked out so far. It is hard, but I think you have the capacity to talk to others. I think you have the capacity to do the things friends, and even intimate partners, do for one another - even if that ability has not been fully realised. And I think there are other people in the world who share this capacity. And I think together this forms the groundwork for a relationship to be built off of. If you think it is impossible, why? Don't lay out a reason based on past experience - tell me, from first principles, why you think you'll always be alone?
There is hope out there. I remember you, and I remember the love you brought to this place. You were a shinning light here, and you brought happiness to so many people - just ask Road Ratt! I don't wish to speak on his behalf, but I think he came here to this thread - for you - because he cares, because you touched his life. I'm here because you touched my life; maybe you don't remember me, but occasionally you spoke to me and it meant more than you know. Sometimes just seeing you be a kind person to others brought a smile to my face. I know it isn't fair to have given so much but not receive what you need. You are a beautiful person, and you have a kind heart. I don't know why people like us find it so hard to be with others, even when it's the thing we want the most in life. Trust me when I say that there are people who would be lucky to be around you, that there are people who would want to be around you if only they knew what you were like. There are others who may not want to, of course, there are many people in the world - but you've met some of those who do here. The people here cannot be the only ones who want to be around you, there must be others.
There's an old thread on this site, you may remember it, called "Who Needs A Hug? Play Hug The Person Above You!"
I don't think it was a game people played; I think it was a thing we did to bring even just a tiny bit of light to our otherwise dark days. You didn't post there, but I'm going to give you lot's of hugs anyway because you deserve them. You deserve to feel better, and I believe you can.
My signature says "This isn't how it always was, but it's how it turned out"
. It's a line from a song that stuck with me, because I remembered as a child I was not as sad as I would become. I was lonely then too, but things got worse; what happiness I had left and more darkness came to fill the void. Now that things have changed for the better, the line is still true of my life. Once I thought it meant something negative; that what you always had in life could leave. Little did I know, but it could also mean something positive; things that had never happened before could, one day, happen for the first time, and life can turn out differently to what it once was. I think this is true of your life as well.