Hello,

I would like to start by apologizing for any grammatical errors as English is my second language, and I'm not from the US/Canada.

I've recently turned 25. I feel alone. So alone.
I live with my folks and my two sisters. I'm the youngest...
It's going to be really hard to explain what my life is like or what's going on with me in one single message but I'll try. I thank whoever reads this.

I feel alone. Even when I'm around my family, I always keep my mouth shut. Not because I want to, it's because I find it hard to communicate. There's so much going on inside me but I keep it to myself. I'm not really sure why. Not long ago, my sister said I ought to talk more and I should stop being such a "dried up prone". Don't get angry with her, she's okay. Though we're not speaking to one another on account of a stupid fight.

I have no friends. I'm unemployed. I'm currently trying my way and attending two computer courses. But I doubt if that would help me, as I've tried looking for jobs even slightly similar but everyone wants hands-on experience. I've also tried to make some friends by talking to the people attending my course, but all we ever seem to talk about is the course itself. There's always this nagging silence when it's my turn to talk. I've cried endlessly and it has gotten even worse in the past few days. I'm seriously considering about suicide.

I live in a small city. Practically dying to get out of here. I'm really just about to finish with those courses. That's when I plan to move to a much larger city. But when I think about moving... I feel even more scared. It's bad enough that I have no friends, no job.. I'm also about to leave my family. And my dog. I'm sorry if this sounds stupid but I care about him so much to tears.

I never knew love, or a kiss. I'm gay, you see. I'm far from good-looking and I hate the way I look. There aren't many gays around here. Needless to say, my family doesn't know about me. Except my sister. I've heard my parents say some really bad stuff about gays, so I've decided not to tell them until I'm out of the house for good.

This is so frustrating because there's a lot more going on and I'm not good at talking about myself. There's also this lacking sense of direction. What to do with my life, how I'm already 25 and achieved nothing. How I'm alone, climbing the walls, crying so much, taking a walk at random hours, getting a feel of disappointment from my folks, how I have to process each and every letter before it comes out of my mouth, how I'm such an idiot, how is it that my best established relationship is a virtual one with a guy I know for six years now that lives on the other side of the country that I've yet to meet because I'm scared he'll reject me, how little I appreciate my life, health, and the list goes on...

I can't see beyond this. Truly, ever since I've graduated things have become worse. Not that high school was a picnic, but it was different. I can't find someone to talk to. People always talk about general, mundane stuff. I'm not saying I'm the most philosophical guy out there but there has to be something more than this.

Earlier, when I said I'm contemplating suicide... well, I don't really think it's going to happen. Not for now. Not because I'm afraid to do it, it's just that I find it too selfish. I'm in great pain but I don't want to bring sorrow and pain to the few people who're a part of my life. I'm pretty sure that even if I were to convey that they're not to be blame, a small part of them will always carry that thought. (I'm sorry if this sounds of a somewhat narcissistic-nature. It is not my intent).

I'm really lost here. I feel like I don't belong. I don't know how to ask for help. I can't "open up". I'm like a tough shell that's crumbling down from the inside.
And here's the thing about me: If you were to pass by me on your way, you wouldn't guess I'm going through all this. I show nothing. I feel vague. Much like the fact that people have no clue I'm gay. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Anyway, I can't take this anymore.
I'm hoping that my moving to a much central, upbeat, city would change everything for me but I'm hopelessly pessimistic. I'm not sure I'm going to "survive" there. I just... I can't do this anymore. I'm alone in this. And I'm constantly feeling nauseous about it.

Thanks in advance for any help given.

P.S: I'm sorry if this sounds a bit off but, please, and understand that I fully respect you as a firm believer of your god, but as an atheist: Don't tell me how much "God" loves me. It truly angers me. I've nothing against religion people (I come from a somewhat religious family), I just don't buy it.

who's told you to believe in god? i feel desperately alone so you might have a little comfort in knowing that about me<

Hello Drifter, welcome to the forum!

You can come here to write and think deeply if you desire, so it is one place to find a sense of belonging perhaps.

I understand what you mean about your dog and how much he means to you. I have a cat that means a lot to me in similar fashion. Do you think you can take him with you when you move to the city?

The city is often a place to find others who are more like you. It can be more comfortable and have a place in it for your needs even if you are choosing differently then what is considered normal about something like sexual orientation. My experience is that it takes work to make friends anywhere though, you have to find them and develop a relationship with them. Perhaps if you really love your dog and he can go with you, finding people who also have dogs will help you with a good starting point. Walking a dog seems (in the USA) to often make people feel they can say hello to you, so it can be a way to get started. Something interesting is that I take my cat for walks, which starts conversations too!

Unemployed is always a hard place to be comfortable in. People judge you and have negative things to say about you especially if you live with them or they think they have some authority in your life. Feeling terrible and depressed are not unusual emotions when you are unemployed. Bigger cities can be easier to find work in as well because there are more job openings, even if the work is not great. I did security work in a city that I moved to a couple years ago which was not great work but it was enough to get by on. I moved thinking that city had more good jobs then it really did, but the security job kept me fed and in an apartment which was better then my opportunities in the small town I was in before that.

Not knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life is okay. What do you want to do with your life for this year, or the next few years? Have you ever written a list of goals for what you are interested in for fun and work? Sometimes that helps. I'd encourage you to write down even the far-fetched or strange sounding goals. You never know what will give you the help you are looking for. People make 'achievement' sound like the most important thing you can do in your life. From my observation it isn't what you achieve, like how big your home is or how much money you make, it is if you are happy with it that makes the difference. Without goals it is harder to achieve something personal, professional, or otherwise. Write down some little goals as well as big ones, some easy goals to achieve and some that will take more time and work. You already have talked about a bunch of them in this post- moving to a larger city, finding a job, not losing your beloved dog when you move, making friends, fitting in.

I hope you find the answers you seek and achieve the goals you set for yourself.

Thank you both.

I wish I could take my dog with me, but I'd probably be working a full-time job. And I'd hate to leave him alone for so many hours.

Thank you for your notes. I will try my best to follow them.
Sometimes, my depression gets so severe that I can't think of anything else and there are times when I sometime sense this short "ray of hope".
I do hope things will turn out OK. I know that all-in-all, it's probably me who makes a big deal out of it, but I just feel so tired dealing with these emotions.

Thanks again.

Drifter
You are in a hard place right now but I want to give you some encouragement. I am in the computer field. We all start somewhere. So many jobs depend on computer skills and there is a lot you can do to teach yourself more if you look in the right places online. So keep plugging away at it. It will lead to a job sooner or later.
I am sorry for the way your family is about your being gay. I hope that you can find acceptance from other people and that you know you are a totally good person and there is nothing wrong about you at all.

Keep posting here. You will find others who struggle with depression but keep fighting. You are not alone.

I'm a dog person too.

Your life is precious. Take care.

Oliveoyl

I'm sorry you feel so alone man :/

I feel the same way. And it's so hard to tell other people about your problems. It's like the words are trying to get out but they just don't.

yeah, being in a gay community will help you open up and to just let go. my brother is gay and he has never been happier since he came out. I love that guy and I was sad by the fact that he had to hide all these years.

Once you find a group of people that supports your sexual orientation and you regularly hang out with, that will be a big life changer for the better as I saw in my brother.

Thank you so much for your kind words.
I truly hope everything will turn just right. For you and for me.