Sleeplessness
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Sleeplessness

This is a discussion on Sleeplessness within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I stupidly forgot to pick up my sleep meds yesterday. So here I am wide awake at 4am. I can't ...

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Old 02-04-13, 10:15 PM   #1
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I stupidly forgot to pick up my sleep meds yesterday. So here I am wide awake at 4am.

I can't seem to shut my head up. It's just going on overdrive thinking about everything that has happened in the last year. A couple of suicide attempts, time spent in hospital to keep me safe and nearly being sectioned.

And although I'm feeling ok I'm just thinking about everything I could have done differently in this time so that I wouldn't be here now. I should have hidden the evidence better so it didn't get realised until it was too late. Instead of being honest I could have kept it to myself and attempted again like I wanted.

When do these thoughts go away? Do they ever go away? Even when I feel ok they are there. Waiting for any opportunity to try to break me down again. If it comes to it, and I hit rock bottom again, as is so often the case, then I will do it right. Because I don't think it's worth it. It's like I've just been kept alive against my will and it's just delaying the inevitable.
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Old 02-05-13, 03:45 AM   #2
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The worst thoughts always tend to come at night, particularly when you can't sleep. A good policy is to never make a decision late at night without confirming it the next day. It's too easy to be influenced when your energy levels are low, your frustrations are high and the darkness is making you feel alone and detached from the world.

That aside, maybe what you currently see as mistakes and failures might one day be seen as miraculous bits of luck. Right now you are not in a place where you are stable enough to be out of danger. A few years down the line you might be in an entirely different place and you might be thanking your lucky stars that you made it through. I always try to think of past and future versions of myself. Past in terms of being an innocent child, in my very early years. One who had potential, who had life infront of him. Future in terms of the person that I could possibly be, the person in me who would be glad that I chose to live. I think that depressive illness muffles the voice of that part inside you that does still want to live, that still has hopes and dreams and ambitions. That voice is being snuffed out by a foreign invader, an illness that speaks for you. If you could consider that for a second, would you want to let this thing control you? Can you imagine being happy, having everything to live for and having someone else controlling whether you live or die at any given moment? It would be akin to being held captive by some deranged killer.

Depression is not an objective voice, it's a severely affected voice. It's not your voice in the truest sense. Don't let it take away everything from you.
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Old 02-08-13, 03:28 AM   #3
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It may be a severely affected voice, but its the only one I've known for years now. I feel rubbish today. I can't even blame it on lack of sleep, I have slept loads this week!

I'm a little scared right now. That my period of feeling ok (maybe even good) is coming to an end. Although I had a break from the terrible low I last had, it was just that, a break, a slight lift for a while. Nothing actually was done to help me through it, other than having a break from normal life I guess.

Now I don't know what to do.
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Old 02-08-13, 04:43 AM   #4
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What you need to do is something different from before. As you say, if nothing has really changed or is being changed then everything stays the same. What you have had is a patch, not a cure. I think that you need to see your doctor as soon as possible and make that clear. Speak to them about your concerns, be explicit. Tell them that you are worried you are slipping right back to what landed you in difficulty, because nothing is being done to make anything different. Tell them that you feel unsupported and left to your own devices.

You really owe it to yourself to take the bull by the horns while you still have some energy and willpower to do that.
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Old 02-08-13, 04:50 AM   #5
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I do have support though :/ I see my therapist, I take my meds, my job is really supportive too. What more could I want? I don't know what else I can do. I don't know what can be changed.
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Old 02-08-13, 04:57 AM   #6
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Exactly, you don't know what else can be done and hence you need to ask. You need to state that what you have right now is not working. That might well mean that your meds need to be changed or increased. It may mean you need more frequent therapy. It may mean you need a different type of therapy. You won't know until you make it clear that you are struggling. You have nothing to lose by bringing this up with your doctor, the worst they can do is to do nothing. In which case you are no worse off than you are now.
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Old 02-08-13, 05:59 AM   #7
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I know that logically you are right. But I just find myself asking if it's even worth it. When nothing seems to get better, when I try so hard to keep breathing, is it worth the energy? I'm beginning to think that it's not.
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Old 02-08-13, 06:20 AM   #8
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The ill part of you will not think it's worth it. You can't expect hopelessness to be able to see hope. It would be like asking a vampire to give you an opinion on sunlight. The part of you that will see the point is the part of you that doesn't get to speak because it's being dominated by the illness. Again, try and consider that. You have things that you like, things that you love. You have opportunity. You have many beautiful days ahead of you. Think how it might be if you didn't feel like you do, and then consider that you won't always feel like you do because it's not YOU, it's illness.

I know this all sounds so easy to say but we really do have to try and step out of ourselves. If you were hallucinating you'd want to know that you were, otherwise how could you ever stop. Sometimes you have to put your trust in those who love you, who can see that this hopelessness is not who you truly are.

Things can get a whole lot better in a short space of time, even if they haven't gotten better for years. That will always be the case. Previous patterns have little bearing on life unless you keep doing everything the same way forever. How many of us do the same things our whole lives?

I'm deliberately avoiding mention of the people who love you in terms of how much they love and need you, because I don't like to use that as a reason for living. Living in pain for the sake of sparing someone else pain is a very idealistic reason to give someone. It's not as if those you spare live in eternal gratitude that you chose to live because living is taking for granted. That said, the people that you love are still a good reason to live for, because you love them too and it feels good to love and be loved. You don't owe them, I don't see it that way, but you do owe yourself. You spend so much time feeling down on yourself that you owe yourself some good feelings. That's only fair.
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