She died, i am destroyed
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She died, i am destroyed

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Old 07-11-14, 03:31 PM   #1
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Well today before rain started i went to one of my long walks through the city. It was nice till i met with one of my "friends". Through small talk we reached the topic of my 1st and only girlfriend, he told me she died in car accident 3 moths ago. I was just shocked and stood there with empty look, he said his condolances and left. I returned home with same empty shocked look on my face and then closed myself in my room and started to cry. I am crying for 2h straight now.

We met when i was 7th grade and we started dating almost immediatly, we dated for 1,5 years and then she moved to other city, then we broke up, but we never lost contact, and we cared about each other a lot.

She is person that i think cared the most about me, but we lost contact 3 months ago, she stopped calling, and i couldnt have called her because she was out of reach (signal), and i resented her so much for that, i felt so alone and ignored and ruined and now i hear that she passed away.

I wasnt even invited on funeral for the person i cared about the most.

I self harmed for the 2nd time in my whole life today, i just felt the urge to do it and to be honest, this time i am in much darker place in mind then first time that i did it. in normal occasion i would never think of suicide, i know its worst case out, but i am really scared of what i could do to myself in my current condition.

I cant bring myself together, my eyes are swollen and red from tears i cant stop crying. I am wrecked. I am sitting in my dark room now, alone in the house and i am really scared for myself. No one is there for me, no one likes me, i am alone. No one would give me a hug, kiss me or show any sign of kindness towards me, and i personally am trying to be kind to everyone, but atm i am not sure for what reason, i give so much love to every person that i know online and in real life, but i never get any love back, i always end up being hurt.

I am completely alone, Marina why did you have to die, i really cared about you, you were my best friend alongside 2 other persons. You died too young, rest in piece.

I know that this thread probably wont get any responses, mainly because who cares about me, i am just random stranger and text. I dont why am i writing this at first place, i dont deserve to talk with nice people like the ones on this site, i am just a lonely loser that no one cares about, and now for the first time in my life i am thinking of suicide, i wont do it hopefully, but i am so scared of myself now. :(

Sorry to everyone, but i am currently in no condition to post annything cheerfull or anything helpfull to your threads, my mind is train wreck now, if i survive these days, i might go back to answering your threads, i am so sorry.
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Old 07-11-14, 04:37 PM   #2
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You don't think you're really all alone here do you nsdimitrije? Losing a loved one is never easy but rather than remembering what ended, remember the times you spent with her. Those memories are what make the time spent unforgettable and precious.
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Old 07-11-14, 04:41 PM   #3
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My condolences for your friend Marina. (I suck at these types of situations so I apologize if it sounds somewhat crude)
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Old 07-11-14, 05:20 PM   #4
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nsdimitrije, I am sorry to hear this happen to you. Throw away anything that might hurt you. If you take any medication don't buy it in bulk, buy only few amounts. Stay strong, you will get over it.
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Old 07-11-14, 05:24 PM   #5
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I am so sorry nsdimitrije. You mean a lot to me. I have spent the past two days reading and re-reading your messages, and you've given me hope to stay alive. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I am sorry for your loss (I mean that in the nicest way) and I just want you to know that although it hurts your life is precious, and if you were gone so many people would miss out on the love and care you are spreading. take time to heal, my friend, but please remember your life is precious and don't harm yourself.
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Old 07-11-14, 05:25 PM   #6
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I was horrified when I read that you feel so alone and unloved.

I love you and I appreciate everything you do here.

Your presence is felt.
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Old 07-11-14, 06:40 PM   #7
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I'm so sorry nsd!! I see you helping so many people here!! And you're so pro active with altruism and your long walks. Please have my sympathies.
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Old 07-11-14, 07:56 PM   #8
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Very sorry for your loss I understand your pain.
I understand your feelings but if you are this
afraid of what you might do please talk to someone.
Self harming is not the answer. You didn't cause this to
happen it's not your fault. I have been where you are now
and it's just too much to deal with by keeping it all inside.
I lost my best friend to suicide two years ago and it is the reason
I am here on this site. You need to talk this out in person to
someone a doctor ,a priest anyone you can that will listen and
help you vent. Finding grief support groups helped me because
you get to talk with others that have gone through just what you are now.
Please don't hurt yourself. Once you get those kind of thoughts they
need to be addressed or they can pop up again. Time won't help the
pain all go away but it will help you deal with it better. Don't be sorry for not being cheery on here right now. All of us have come here
for reasons we can't cope with. We have all taken turns lifting one
another on our worst days and you are no different. You are not just
a random text you are a person and you do matter. I am very sorry
for your loss. Please remember this is not your fault. This was an accident
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Old 07-12-14, 06:14 AM   #9
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Thank you guys, it really means a lot to me. I guess i will just take some time off to pull myself together, cried whole night, feel like my eyes will pop out, suicidal thoughts have stopped i feel slightly better, but still cant stop crying.
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Old 07-12-14, 11:29 AM   #10
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Hey.. Ull get through this okay?.. Dont ever think that u are alone because we are here for u whenever u need to talk..
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