Well today before rain started i went to one of my long walks through the city. It was nice till i met with one of my "friends". Through small talk we reached the topic of my 1st and only girlfriend, he told me she died in car accident 3 moths ago. I was just shocked and stood there with empty look, he said his condolances and left. I returned home with same empty shocked look on my face and then closed myself in my room and started to cry. I am crying for 2h straight now.
We met when i was 7th grade and we started dating almost immediatly, we dated for 1,5 years and then she moved to other city, then we broke up, but we never lost contact, and we cared about each other a lot.
She is person that i think cared the most about me, but we lost contact 3 months ago, she stopped calling, and i couldnt have called her because she was out of reach (signal), and i resented her so much for that, i felt so alone and ignored and ruined and now i hear that she passed away.
I wasnt even invited on funeral for the person i cared about the most.
I self harmed for the 2nd time in my whole life today, i just felt the urge to do it and to be honest, this time i am in much darker place in mind then first time that i did it. in normal occasion i would never think of suicide, i know its worst case out, but i am really scared of what i could do to myself in my current condition.
I cant bring myself together, my eyes are swollen and red from tears i cant stop crying. I am wrecked. I am sitting in my dark room now, alone in the house and i am really scared for myself. No one is there for me, no one likes me, i am alone. No one would give me a hug, kiss me or show any sign of kindness towards me, and i personally am trying to be kind to everyone, but atm i am not sure for what reason, i give so much love to every person that i know online and in real life, but i never get any love back, i always end up being hurt.
I am completely alone, Marina why did you have to die, i really cared about you, you were my best friend alongside 2 other persons. You died too young, rest in piece.
I know that this thread probably wont get any responses, mainly because who cares about me, i am just random stranger and text. I dont why am i writing this at first place, i dont deserve to talk with nice people like the ones on this site, i am just a lonely loser that no one cares about, and now for the first time in my life i am thinking of suicide, i wont do it hopefully, but i am so scared of myself now. :(
Sorry to everyone, but i am currently in no condition to post annything cheerfull or anything helpfull to your threads, my mind is train wreck now, if i survive these days, i might go back to answering your threads, i am so sorry.