Recently, In My Time
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Recently, In My Time

This is a discussion on Recently, In My Time within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I want to say so many things at once that i can't express a single thing. Trying to be so ...

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Old 05-07-18, 05:14 PM   #1
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I want to say so many things at once that i can't express a single thing. Trying to be so much honest to myself, even praying, but everything's the same and right now i despise myself. (it's like i need to commit a suicide to prove them they were wrong and that i was not bad).

I was again hanging out with a toxic 'friend', and in the end i've only put myself so down and it hurts.


A couple of days back, i met a girl online that i thought she's great, now i think she's horrible. It makes me feel desperate.


Today i was talking to a nice person online that was supporting me and in the end she'd run. Makes me feel so hopeless.


I currently work on a roof of a house and i am the most useless of all.


Everyone is defaming me. They have theirs reasons . It's unsuring me that i'll kill myself.


I feel like it's crazy to be a christian, yet in the same time i think i need to believe or i'm lost. It's a split. A never ending war.




I could continue, but i'm too lazy and dumb.
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Old 05-08-18, 11:31 AM   #2
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I read everything you wrote and sometimes that is all someone needs. To have a voice - to be heard.

I am not even sure you want or need unsolicited advice, but when I read what you wrote, I could not help but think...

if you stripped away the toxic friends, the online girl, the fears of abandonment, the victimization, your Christian faith, and self-depreciation...you are left with the REAL you.

You are not the sum of all these parts. You are what is left when you strip it all away, and that could be anything or anyone you want to be.

If you take all these bad things away, there might be something there...You.

Maybe you should start believing in yourself.
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Old 05-09-18, 02:21 AM   #3
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Hey, thanks for the reply.

I'm not even exactly sure what i wanted to achieve with this. I was too drunk...But i am feeling better now - though there are many f***** ** things in mylife - i can cope with them.


You were right that i don't trust myself, well, sometimes. It's like i needed the others to approve, or to agree with me... Like their opinions were of much more value than mine. Yeah, but i'm trying hard to think for myself, to enjoy myself and to believe myself, and i am stepping forward a little each day.


Thx again


BTW - i'm not a christian.

Last edited by Watashi; 05-09-18 at 02:24 AM.
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Old 05-09-18, 02:44 AM   #4
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And now i realized - i wanted to know if i am worth for anyone to give me some reply.. If my thoughts, my feelings and the way i've ventiled them out, were worth it.

I don't never talk about the dark stuff in my brain in real life. There's noone to whom i'd like to share them. I got two toxic friends, bunch of other guys that i talk with but don't hang out with them, and than there's my famiy - i couldn't talk with them seriously anymore... It kinda hurts to do so... They don't want to talk about such things and if they occasionally do - they are only making it worse by acting like depression doesn't exist.


I am single...
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Old 05-09-18, 09:13 PM   #5
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I don't know if you feel the same, but it sometimes it just helps me to vent by writing. Whatever you are feeling, write it down. It helps to get it out - vent, but also it helps in more ways.

It allows you to acknowledge the thought, but often you might look at it and realize it's an emotionally charged thought (dark or angry) and being able to vent what you are feeling in a non-destructive way is way better than destroying a relationship or upsetting anyone else.

I realize few people want to talk to their family or parents about such things, but if you haven't given them a chance, then I would encourage it. It just needs to be positioned properly.

I know I would want to know if my kids were feeling the way you are right now, and it may not be that they want to pretend it doesn't exist. They may not know how to talk to you about it or want to see you in pain.

I will always encourage someone to talk to a parent or family member they trust. It's important to keep those lines of communication open. Even if they don't listen as well as you would like or if they don't say/respond how you would hope. The important thing is that they are there for you.
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Old 05-10-18, 01:58 AM   #6
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I do write my thoughts, poems, even dreams and yeah, it's indeed helping in a long term. Introspections have pushed me forward to know myself more, to accept the weaker parts of me, to accept - at least kinda - the things i've made wrong, to know my limits... It's just a part of the way how i cope with myself and the rest of the world, right now.

...


My family - they've allways had their own problems. What brought me into this point where i am right now is, besides my own mistakes, their careless attitudes in the past, when i was a kid. Whenever they've had something they should solve, they've allways picked the easy way out and made things worse in the future. I grew up being the same.


Don't want to put a blame on them, just that it's a fact. I, in a way, hate myself for what i became.


And that's it. I am holding on, i am growing and God knows what i've been through and how i've changed, but sometimes i see there's only one single way out of this
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