(Sorry for my english, it's not my mother tongue but I couldn't find an equivalent of these forums in my mother tongue... Sorry if my language causes you to be annoyed by me.. I will try hard not to mess it up.)
Good evening everyone. I hope you're doing well allthough you're suffering so much.
I really hope you will feel different about killing yourself or have your lifes change significantly to the better soon.
My name is not a topic here. Call me however you like, any name will be OK I guess.
Now for my story:
When I was about 20 years old, I had kind of an epiphany. I realized that I am a burden/load to everyone around me. I am not disabled or anything that could explain it. I am just... that kind of a human who's bare existence seems to be a burden to everyone around him.
I decided to keep an eye on this "fact" in order to prove it right or wrong and change mmy behavior, if possible.
That was more than 9 years ago.
I have succeeded in proving it true. That was the easy part. But no matter how hard I tried: I was caught in beeing who I am.
My kind of character is just annoying and clumsy in literally everything I do... it even annoys me myself often enough. And it frustrates me every time I realize that I've lacked the hard self control neccessary to be "normal" in the eyes of others and myself. When I fail like that I often think: "Today I annoyed the people around me again. I piss off everyone allthough I just want to be a friendly person that cheers up others and lends a helpful hand here and there. But I failed again. Its impossible for someone like me to be different. I wish I wasn't such a burden to the world around me. I think I want to die."
Within the 9 years since my epiphany I "grew up" emotionally. That means I am no longer some child that can be tricked by psychologic or psychiatric tricks. They've said "He falls through the grid. We have no reason to hold him and no reason to treat him. He is not sick by definition and his reasons are logical to the fullest."
My reason for opening up here is not because I want someone to help me change myself - because I am fully aware that it is impossible to fully change your character. Neither do I look for someone to help me get along with myself and start to "accept your true self" because I already told you that I am not willing to die to cease my own pain ... I just know that the world -now at least the people around me, whoever they may be- are better off with me dead.
What I am asking for is not help in the case of killing myself. Just to make that clear.
I know the HOW, the Where and the Why. And its way too private to share it with someone. Please accept that.
I think from an ethical point of view none of you
has the right to interfere in my decision to or not to do it somewhen.
What I do ask for is this:
There are people who's lifes will be affected when I do it. I don`'t want to be a burden to them even after I died. I don't want to make their lifes more stressfull or less easy. I don't want to be like a dark shadow in their pasts, an event that influences their future in a negative way. So... Is there a way to kind of "prepare"
e.g. my (older) siblings so the day when I do it wont ...have such a deep impact on them?
I thought of leaving the country for some months and just... you know "get lost" in some jungle . At least that`s what they will be told then. Might that work or would it "destroy" them even more, because maybe I'd be a burden again because some of them might search for me (which I hardly doubt, but still...) and ruin their life over it?
The thing is: I don't want to be an annoying load to anyone any more. And "suicide" often... creates problems on relatives and such... I want to avoid that, but don't get me wrong: I know I won't change my mind on doing it somewhen.So if I won't find a solution to that problem... well it won't stop me when the day comes. It will just make me a little more... sad. So please.. help me with that case.
Ah since some people here mentioned it: Nah I don't believe in any God anymore. You can do so if you like. I don't care. But please don't bug me with stuff like that. Thanks.