(Sorry for my english, it's not my mother tongue but I couldn't find an equivalent of these forums in my mother tongue... Sorry if my language causes you to be annoyed by me.. I will try hard not to mess it up.)

Good evening everyone. I hope you're doing well allthough you're suffering so much.
I really hope you will feel different about killing yourself or have your lifes change significantly to the better soon.

My name is not a topic here. Call me however you like, any name will be OK I guess.
Now for my story:
When I was about 20 years old, I had kind of an epiphany. I realized that I am a burden/load to everyone around me. I am not disabled or anything that could explain it. I am just... that kind of a human who's bare existence seems to be a burden to everyone around him.
I decided to keep an eye on this "fact" in order to prove it right or wrong and change mmy behavior, if possible.
That was more than 9 years ago.
I have succeeded in proving it true. That was the easy part. But no matter how hard I tried: I was caught in beeing who I am.
My kind of character is just annoying and clumsy in literally everything I do... it even annoys me myself often enough. And it frustrates me every time I realize that I've lacked the hard self control neccessary to be "normal" in the eyes of others and myself. When I fail like that I often think: "Today I annoyed the people around me again. I piss off everyone allthough I just want to be a friendly person that cheers up others and lends a helpful hand here and there. But I failed again. Its impossible for someone like me to be different. I wish I wasn't such a burden to the world around me. I think I want to die."

Within the 9 years since my epiphany I "grew up" emotionally. That means I am no longer some child that can be tricked by psychologic or psychiatric tricks. They've said "He falls through the grid. We have no reason to hold him and no reason to treat him. He is not sick by definition and his reasons are logical to the fullest."
My reason for opening up here is not because I want someone to help me change myself - because I am fully aware that it is impossible to fully change your character. Neither do I look for someone to help me get along with myself and start to "accept your true self" because I already told you that I am not willing to die to cease my own pain ... I just know that the world -now at least the people around me, whoever they may be- are better off with me dead.
What I am asking for is not help in the case of killing myself. Just to make that clear. I know the HOW, the Where and the Why. And its way too private to share it with someone. Please accept that.
I think from an ethical point of view none of you has the right to interfere in my decision to or not to do it somewhen.

What I do ask for is this:
There are people who's lifes will be affected when I do it. I don`'t want to be a burden to them even after I died. I don't want to make their lifes more stressfull or less easy. I don't want to be like a dark shadow in their pasts, an event that influences their future in a negative way. So... Is there a way to kind of "prepare" e.g. my (older) siblings so the day when I do it wont ...have such a deep impact on them?
I thought of leaving the country for some months and just... you know "get lost" in some jungle . At least that`s what they will be told then. Might that work or would it "destroy" them even more, because maybe I'd be a burden again because some of them might search for me (which I hardly doubt, but still...) and ruin their life over it?

The thing is: I don't want to be an annoying load to anyone any more. And "suicide" often... creates problems on relatives and such... I want to avoid that, but don't get me wrong: I know I won't change my mind on doing it somewhen.So if I won't find a solution to that problem... well it won't stop me when the day comes. It will just make me a little more... sad. So please.. help me with that case.

Ah since some people here mentioned it: Nah I don't believe in any God anymore. You can do so if you like. I don't care. But please don't bug me with stuff like that. Thanks.

It's not up to you to decide if you're a burden to someone else or not. I've made quite a couple friends who always feel like they're dragging me down, or being a pain, or telling me they don't deserve my kindness. But they're wrong, because I appreciate them anyway; I appreciate that they depend on me and make me feel useful, I appreciate that they trust me enough to tell me their problems, and I appreciate all the qualities they have which they themselves overlook.

I can understand not wanting to be a burden, but I'm just saying, perhaps you're not as big a burden as you believe you are? I mean of course there are exceptions, like if they actually give obvious signs that you're a nuisance, but till then, don't make assumptions.

About what you asked, I don't think any amount of preparation can really lessen the blow of a family suicide significantly. That shit'll stick with them for the rest of their lives. In fact, disappearing into a forest might even make it harder for them to let go, as they might have hope that you'll show up one day.

You definitely don't seem set on changing your mind; but just remember, it's never too late to give yourself another chance.

I read what you wrote, including the part about not wanting help. However unwelcome my unsolicited advice is to you, I am still going to share it with you.

Depression lies to you.
Depresson tells you that you are annoying.
Depression will convince you that they world and everyone in it is better off without you.
Depression can can embed itself deep within your conscienceousness and change everything about you, including your personality and they way you think.

It can do so much damage, but it's not permanent. It is possible to get better, it's just not easy or quick. It takes time and a lot effort. But I really believe it helps to start changing the way you think.

Fight the lies that depression tells you. They are lies, and you can choose not to believe them.

That is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for your family.

I can relate to what you are saying, but i dont know... 2 fears stop me from my decision usually... fear of missing out on something nice in life and fear of hurting someone by vanishingvfrom the world and leaving them in my footsteps... I have no real advice to give you, but hold on.

What he calls "fears," I call "reasons to live," and those are two of the best reasons.

Interesting discourse

You will be the dark shadow in their past in generations to come, it's inevitable.

My grandmother did it and it affected so many people then, later and now, like a snowball.

I agree with the SilentGrey. The disappearance will make it even worse, they won't have the closure.

You spent 9 years proving yourself, that you need to die. I challenge you to spend half of that time to find the reasons, why you shouldn't die.

Have you checked for borderline personality disorder? You sound like one (I am not a psychiatrist). At least, talk to a therapist who is pro in personality disorders, may be they will give you a new perspective.

I get what you are saying.
Many feel the same way - I do.
I know I won't be missed by anyone except - my husband, but he knows very well how sad my soul is.

You stated / asked -- how to prepare your siblings.

That means you acknowledge you will be missed, you are needed and not a burden.