Today has got to be one of the worst days of my life. We are losing our home.
I've been out of work for almost a year. Unemployment ran out in January and I can't get any kind of assistance from the state because we don't have children. That rubs more salt into the wound because we want them but I have had several miscarriages. I've been looking for work and had finally landed what was going to be a great job. It had great pay, benefits, hours everything I was looking for. It was going to save us. Then 2 days before my start date, I get a call saying they rescinded their offer because my credit was too bad. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. The only work I can get with shitty credit is call center work and my personality does not mesh well with it at all. It stresses me out to the point of inducing seizures, causing me to miss work and eventually unemployed again. But even the call centers I've applied to won't hire me. My fiancÚ is a self employed photographer but his income isn't very consistent and not nearly enough to live on. I've always been primary breadwinner but I just can't get anyone to hire me. I want to file for bankruptcy but I can't afford it, we can't even afford food. We both have/had major chronic illnesses that require medicine and appointments that we can't afford. And that's on top of dealing with everyone's comments and opinions about my depression, not being married and not having children ( I am literally the ONLY one without kids in my family).
Finding out we are losing the house is the final straw. I can't take it anymore. The only two bright spots were my cat and dog who are like my own children. But the pain is just too much. I tried so hard over the years to try to keep us going and to someday get ahead and I failed spectacularly. I feel so worthless. I feel like people think I wasn't trying that I was just sponging off of whoever offered to help over the years. I worked jobs I hated and went back to school to try to get ahead. Nothing. In fact I'm worse off than when I first started. I've always been an unlucky person but the last year feels like the god/ universe whoever or whatever is out to get me. Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. I just want to end it. I'm tired of fighting a battle I can't win. I'm tired of being the one everyone looks down on for being unfortunate. I'm tired of always doing the right thing and being equated to being no better than a murderer. I no longer wish to be here and I have nothing left to lose. Every night I go to sleep, I hope I don't wake up. I want to die, I don't know what else I can do?