Quite a number of years ago my mother committed suicide .I spent my whole teenage years and early adulthood witnessing her losing the struggle against her demons.Despite my Dad being a wonderful husband and all the help she could get from everybody ( incl. her church members ) she did not win this fight. I thought I was OK after a while and had recovered from it,but now it has come back in full force as my own life has taken a dramatic turn for the worse.
I was as cheerful as a button until about a two years ago and from then on I got gradually worse,and my mother's suicide is now hanging over me like a very bad omen. I have seen her deterioration and I don't want to go down that road.
It seems EVERYTHING is falling apart and I wonder what I can do about it any more.
Sorry for ranting on,but I am a newcomer here . I don't want to be a nuisance and many people are worse off,but thank you for reading this.

These are hard times, Mozart. Welcome to the forum; I hope you find the sorts of support and helpful thoughts you seek here!

I can understand how, having witnessed your mother's deterioration, you are afraid you will follow that path when you start experiencing some of the same symptoms. You do not have to go down that road. It doesn't sound like it is out of your hands as to how you fare in life, just that you are having a hard time. If you feel like you are at a point of having to make a critical decision for your mental wellness, talking with a doctor or psychiatrist can be an answer. We're 'here' for general support and thinking things through, though.

Now I'm going to ask a lot of questions so answer as you see fit. Is there anybody in your area that you can talk with about your emotions and situation? Is your father open to discussion about how overwhelmed you feel, if you feel comfortable talking with him? Since job loss are you able to eat sufficiently to maintain good health, and are you getting any exercise or doing anything for a social life? I'm sure sleep isn't as good as it used to be with the stress, are you sleeping well enough to get 'enough' rest? Have you considered relocating for a job that earns enough? Some parts of the USA at least are faring much better then others and have far more jobs available then others. It is a big change to make a move to somewhere new for work, but it can help in times like these. Depending on your situation, have you considered going back to school to take on a different career?

I hope you feel better soon and hang in there as it sounds like you are having an especially tough time these days.

Thank you so much for your considerate and detailed reply.
I am happy to answer your questions...
I do not live in the US ,but my particular job problem is extremely tricky in the country where I live ,practically unsolvable.
I do eat well and exercise,yes, ,as I do realize that's of essence here.
My father died a few years ago and my relatives are not people one can speak to about this,also I live many thousands of miles from my home country.My wife is more than aware of the situation but I don't want to upset her unnecessarily,hence I keep some parts of my desperation to myself.
I can't go back to school anymore.. ...I am not a youngster anymore.I am an old canard..
My sleep has improved,but it was atrociously bad a while ago,but now I have adapted to the new situation .

People say things change and get better,that's what I have told others and myself often enough,but it's tough to adhere to that belief when one is in the mud hole oneself.I am just being taught that lesson.
I don't need to see a doctor, I just need to be able to talk from time to time,that will help me I believe.
I was not depressed in my life before and I am not a depressive type ( or should I say now " I didn't use to be " ? ) ,I am just totally beside myself because of the collapse of my life and I still believe this is a normal reaction.
I was first angry,now I am nearly muted over it,which is worse as that's not in my nature and I don't want to become a different person over this.
The shadows from my past regarding my mother are indeed a worry,as I witnessed it from the front row how it all can potentially turn to custard,though in her case it was severe depression that caused it,not actual adverse circumstances.

I am ranting again......sigh....thank you so much again for replying,you made my day !

Since you are an "old canard" (does that make you a duck, an airplane, or just a tasty quacker , by the way?) by your own admonition it does change your outlook a bit.

Mozart
Severely bad circumstances can make even the most stalwart of us at least crumble about the edges! You sound like your circumstances can't get much worse. Is it just a time to whether through and find some conversation to lean upon?

I have not had your experiences directly to compare with. I have lived through job loss, depression and career field changes that I'm still struggling with, as well as unexpected homelessness, but have no experience like yours with your mother. I am back in a home again so don't worry about me in that sense. Your experience sounds like a pain that is very isolating, where nobody can really help you as you go through it save to just be there. Watching the slow deterioration and loss of someone so close to you is just about the worst nightmare many of us can have. Your strength is admirable!

I think depression is natural in the circumstances you face now, and maybe you are also experiencing the process of grieving too as it sounds like old grief has come back anew. I am glad to know that you are trying to take care of yourself through it, that you have the wisdom of years to understand the value of doing so. I am sorry to hear that you have lost your father as well. While it is natural for us all in the end it does not make the losses easier emotionally.

I'm pleased that you found us here and I hope other people also respond and hold conversation with you too.

Sorry, that was supposed to be "admission" rather then what ended up in the first sentence of my last post. I'm past editing time...

Thank you hottea !
I am very grateful for your replies,they make me feel normal again ( and look at my mood avatar--can't believe what happened there . Will it last ? )
The trouble with my trouble is that I am all too aware of every little detail what's happening to me, I am sort of a bit highly strung ( and my profession is in the artistic area,so here we go: a loopy artist ! ). But that doesn't help the case always ,as I'd probably better off just being an insensitive brick .

I am sorry to hear that you have fallen on pretty tough times. Homelessness, I cannot even imagine it !! Makes me just aware to put things into perspective...( = advantage of old canard again, sort of being mildly reasonable ).
Hope you manage better now...the US can be a very tough place in many ways ,but I am very fond of the people I have met there , I also studied in the US and enjoyed it very much . I am ,work related once a year in the US and despite the mega crap going on here I managed to make it possible to be there again this year.

Thank you again for your lucid and compassionate thoughts, I am looking forward to more rants,but I am also a good listener ( sort of a reverse canard ).
Take care ,
Mozart

quack quack!!

I would enjoy writing more, however I must postpone because my best friend called with distress. I offered to go give a shoulder massage as I understand how the misery of the mind translates all too effectively into physical misery too.

Best regards,
Tea

Being the canard I am I can confirm that the mind can effectively turn one's body into some kind of a ruin.

Take good care of your friend,she will be very grateful for it !

Mozart

I got home quite late and we spent some good time together. My friend was much relieved and comforted in the human touch of someone who cares (me!).

I didn't sleep worth much through the night. I know today will require me to push sleep from my mind to do the job. I leave in about 6 minutes for work. I've had a good size and quality of breakfast for once, not just something left over in the fridge from the last 2 days of cooking. I am feeling quite full, which perhaps lends itself to feeling lethargic now. There was a little gnat sized bug in my leftover coffee this morning, I found it when I sat down. He didn't drink much, obviously, so I picked him out and drank the coffee for him.

I hope your day goes better then yesterday. I'm glad you are here, Mozart.

Your friend is a lucky cookie to have you on standby call. Friends like that are few and far in between.My few true friends are all many thousands of miles away, but they still are there for me ,just not for cranky shoulders !
Moving far away from where one's orign is not always the best idea in the world as I am finding out,because if things go pear shaped then one is left with little back-up.
I also miss things like cooking orgies we used to have,I am a fairly decent cook , some dishes are even edible ! No seriously: make sure you don't let sleep and food slip. This is a canard advice,it will be repeated over and over.
Take care and don't worry about me ,I am sort of quite pig headed and I still will work on 2013 being better than that ultra crappy 2012.
Happy New year !!