"One" is the loneliest number
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"One" is the loneliest number

This is a discussion on "One" is the loneliest number within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; I am dying from loneliness. that sounds so dramatic, doesnt it? "I'm dying from loneliness." but it's true, though. "oh, ...

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Old 11-18-09, 01:46 AM   #1
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Default "One" is the loneliest number

I am dying from loneliness.

that sounds so dramatic, doesnt it? "I'm dying from loneliness."
but it's true, though.
"oh, that (my name), she's so over-dramatic. she's just exaggerating! she should just grow up and deal! we're ALL alone? who does she thinks she is, special? above us? we can't hold her hand, we can't baby her. grow up (my name)! grow up and get over it!"
this is what i believe people are saying about me.
i believe people hear me, read my stuff, and think i exaggerate, think i'm being dramatic to gain attention, to gain sympathy, to manipulate.
i wish. i wish i was just writing and speaking like this out of fun, for fun.
there is nothing fun about self-hatred.
there is not a lot of fun in my life. the fun that is there, i created.

i feel so alone.
i feel like the little toddler lost in the department store.
i feel like i have no one, no one to support me, no one i can go to to ask questions, no one to share my laughter with.
i don't know how i thought this life was going to go, but i'd hoped for....
hmmm. what am i hoping for? what am i expecting? i feel disappointed, it's true. and disappointment usually signals an expectation was shattered.

okay. an examination of my life expectations.
i thought parents were supposed to be supportive.
my daddy raped me. he never spoke to me. he made me bleed. he made me cry. he smelled bad; he smelled of whiskey. he did not buy me food. he did not buy me clothes. he did not buy me a bed. he did not buy me a place to go to that would protect me from the rain and cold. he did not buy me education. he couldn't even buy me the candy bar i wanted.
my mommy used me. she used me so she could feel good. it did not matter that she made me cry. it did not matter that i was not hungry; i had to eat it because she needed me to. it did not matter that i did not want the blue dress; i wore it anyway because she needed me to. i did not matter. my wishes, my needs, did not matter.
at school, i was ignored. the teachers looked right through, right past me. i knew i was invisible, because no one saw me.

i can feel the dark gas of depression settle through my bones.
my face is frozen in a forever downward expression.
i am cold, but it does not matter.
i am wearing yesterday's clothes, and it does not matter.
my hair is uncombed, unkempt, and i don't care.
i sit in silence and stare at God.
we look each other in the eye, unmoving.
i want to be still. i want to sit still.

i know we are all alone.
i know loneliness is the state of humanity.
but why does this rather normal feeling of loneliness do such dramatic things to my mind and body? i mean, if loneliness is so average, so run-of-the-mill, why does my loneliness make me want to kill myself, make me want to kill other people, make me want to starve myself to death, make me want to sit silent and unmoving and not care if i shit or pee my pants, make me want to walk barefoot and naked outside as Jesus had to, make me want to drill nails into my hands and feet as Jesus had done to him, make me want to sit outside with no coat on and pray aloud to God, make me want to set myself on fire, make me want to bleed for Christ, make me want to lay on my bed in the fetal position hugging my baby picture and crying and rocking back and forth?

if my loneliness is so normal, why can't i hold a "normal" job?
why can't i go to school and get a degree like "normal" people?
why do i end up in mental institutions, so not normal.

if "there's nothing wrong with me," as so many people delight in informing me, then why the hell is my life full of unusual things?
im smart as a whip, but couldn't finish school.
im a very kind, compassionate person, but i don't have any friends.
im a hard worker, conscientious, been told by bosses that they wished everyone was like me, but i am not working, and can't work.
SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
what, though?
if there's nothing wrong, then why is everything all wrong?
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Old 11-18-09, 07:09 AM   #2
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I hate when people try to feed you that "get over it" bullshit. Motherfucker you walk in my shoes and tell me how to get over it! I'm sorry your life's been so rough, it does us that way sometimes. You just gotta keep on keepin on, and movin on, even if you feel like you're runnin on a treadmill. I hope you can feel better soon
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Old 11-18-09, 08:56 AM   #3
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I agree, just keep taking it day by day. And screw the rest of it.
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Old 11-18-09, 09:22 AM   #4
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im trying there, kids.
i dragged my tired, depressed ass out into the cold to go pick up my two bottles of barium-whaterver for the CT scans scheduled for tomorrow morning. then i walked to the bus stop to take the bus to the grocery store to buy -- you guesses it! TOILET PAPER!!! and then i caught the bus to CVS to buy a camera because I've finally decided to move the putting together of my memoir to the top of my "To Do" list. I am serious about getting published, and I am gathering everything important. Luckily, i don't have a lot, but it'll be work figuring out how i want this piece of art to sit. then it's to the bank (to deposit 462 pennies) and then to the gym to do some business paperwork, then therapy, then home (thank god!! away from those stupid, scary humans!!), where i can hide until the evening, when i'm supposed to be "on" and "practical" and "normal." Yuck!

actually, i would kill to feel anything close to "normal" right now. things seem to be brighter, or louder, or more intense. i don't want to smile or look anyone in the eye. i don't want to say anything out loud in the presence of another. i'm wearing yesterday's clothes and i have yet to run a comb through my hair. lipstick? you're joking, right? i feel like death warmed over. i feel like a wet, steaming pile of doo-doo. i will put on an Academy Award winning performance this evening, though, because i know they'll be watching, and these people only claim to be knowledgeable and compassionate; THEY ARE NOT.
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Old 11-18-09, 09:26 AM   #5
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lol when I'm desperate I take toilet paper from restrooms and napkins from mcdonalds. Wouldn't worry bout wearing yesterday's clothes, I've gone for a week before without changing, shit it's a challenge to jump in the shower sometimes. Hope you do good with your performance.
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