as of last year i gave myself about a year or max two (although i don't think i can last as long as 2) to carry on living. my life got messed up so much that i no longer need it. sometimes i think i'll do it sooner esp when i feel low and i remember everything, but since it's not in my plans i'm not ready, no methods ready. don't know why i'm posting if i'm not going to do it this year, just feeling suicidal i guess, and the idea of suicide has been visiting me frequently over the last 6/7 years.. why am i still here i wonder. not that i didn't try, three times, all stupid methods, so was saved. but i wish i wasn't. my mental state deteriorates with years, my dreams never come true, and if they do, something so terrible happens at the same time that i lose it all. i have no education, my biggest scar, because all i wanted to do is study something that i like, but for some reason i encounter so many obstacles that nothing came of it. i've spent years at home, so i have gaps on my cv, and obviously i can't find a job. i feel too old to go to uni i'm 27. but most of all i suffer from OCD, intrusive thoughts i don't like, and even when the illness doesn't bother me and i forget, i live with a thought that i'm not perfect that there is something wrong with me, that i don't deserve anything anyway. i've been humiliated to the core, and recent past took the last out of me... it's not that i can't fight anymore, i just don't want to. if i really were to sit down and write everything to you guys, all that happened you'd be shocked... but it doesn't matter, i just know that i will have to leave one day, and i know it can be scary to think this way but i know i'll be happy on that day..

greyeyes, have you read the thread I posted last week entitled 'Someday'?

It's along the same lines although when I have these thoughts it tends to be looking much further ahead in the future. I have no real answers as I am still in the process of getting my head round things.

Obviously it's not something that we should think about but in some ways I feel that it often stops me from doing anything on the spur of the moment. When bad things happen I think to myself none of it really matters because one day it will all be over. The main thing is that I (we?) don't feel the need to do it right now so in a way it can be useful. Not sure if that makes sense?

As far as being too old to start an education 27 is perfectly young enough! I went back to college at the age of 30 and now almost 10 years later feel that some kind of training course or professional development would be worthwhile. Everyone gets stuck in a rut and education is a really positive way out. You should look into it.

Chris

Yes i've seen your thread now. I can see what you're saying I wouldn't want to age and die a slow death, probably still thinking about things that went wrong in my life....

I just became a lot smareter suicide-wise. So now i plan for it to happen, so as you say i don't do anything on the spur of the moment. Yes somedays it can be useful knowing one day i will just stop and become easier to live through a day but everyday is still a pain. My other reason is that my computer was hacked last year, and the monent when i was trying to make up a method doctors were involeved and i was admitted. it ruined me, ruined my brain, i ended up suffering from panic attacks, i feel claustrophobic sometimes, i feel brocken, scared, my Ocd had expanded to brushing my teeth during the day. their excuse was that i didn't sleep well so had to go the hospital, then i was released only to be readmitted a week later. this time for a month.

but it's not even the mental hospital. here is a short story of what happened in recent years. i was in uni, failing... because i chose a wrong subject and had no experience in the subject i wanted to do, namely physics. i was depressed because i was already a mature student, and i hate that, i hated leaving, anyway i was a mess. but this guy he was a phd, me and him kinda fancied each other, then later i poked him and got no reply. fine i thought he is not inetersted. but for the next year i saw him a few times on the street, and that got me thinking of visiting his facebook profile. through his profile i found out who were his friends, because by that time i was recognized by some people and didn't know who they were. so as i sawa yet another friend on the street, i seriously went back to his profile and wanted to find out what is actually going on (one day i will post the whole story, for now i'm skipping some details..). it turned out to be that he was posting on his profile things related to my profile, for instance once i said as a joke that i was changing colors, he posted on his profile that he was a chameleon, coinsidences like that were on his profile for a year and i didn't know. my reaction, that the guy is vising my profile, that he told his friends about me, what to do. i used to post lots of songs on my profile and this became a method of communication, so one day he puts a song on his which said that i should go and meet him. then a few parties were organised and i was stupid enough to go to one of them. and of course when i met him in real life, i realised that him and his friends thought that it was me who was posting things on my profile and that party was just made for me to be humiliated. ok this was my intro. here is what happend later, he hacks me. i came home and my ocd was a all over the place. it was a relapse since many years. bad thoughts were killling me, i sit down and write about it in my diary online. he/ his friends witness it. police was involved but nobody told me at first , i started getting junk emails related to my facebook profile etc. then my friends started doing the same things, and then even parents. it lasted for many months, until my last exams came, they made one my closest friends to call me and to start a fight for no reason, i was shocked i thought if anything she would not be involved she would not take his side. so i got upset i knew something terrible was going on right in front of me, yet they didn't tell me what they wanted from me. i realised much later, when the police started sending helicopters to hover right over my room, i knew it was for me as my mum suddenly got dressed and left the house, i knew she was lying. next thing i know i begun to have a real psychosis, i begun to think the world has turned against me. i put all medicine that i could find and swallow it the next day. wake up hospital, thinking that after this everything would be ok, but no, in the hospital the doctors were involeved, they continued bullying me with all different kinds of stuf. i would find some things in the books i read or they would say something was related to me and the guy and that nobody would know. after i was released it seemed everyone left me alone for once. so i spend a few months doing nothing and planning suicide, then suddenly they readmit me, and the whole thing starts all over again, doctors, parents, everyone. the police sent a few helicopters and their car would often be outside when i had ground leave.

can't write anymore... i feel horrible remembering it all....

they wanted me to attack someone... they bullied me for a year, trying to make me angry, they made me lose my uni...

i will be crying because of it for the rest of my life...i didn't want to attck anyone and i didn't, in a way i won, but i'm also left without dignity, no education, humiliation i can't forget, and shattered mind.

I hope that in some way it was helpful for you to get all that out.

It all sounds like a bit of a mess and I know it's painful to think it over. You have to let it go now, all of these things are in the past. This guy is not worth it, nor are his friends or any of your own friends who turn against you or don't support you. You don't need these poeple.

x

it's no use... before these were just some transitive thoughts, we can all have bad thoughts in life, doesn't mean we take them seriously... but now i've been equated with murderers... i can't live and look people in the eye with something like that. i feel like dirt, worse than that.... wasn't it a provocation? when people try to instigate something on purpose, is it right? why did i get to suffer because of it, and not all the other people, that had ever had a bad thought like that. i remember two of my elder sisters had a fight when i was much younger, one was ironing something, when the argument got out of hand she picked up that hot iron, the other one picked up a soucepan and they both said they were going to kill each other. i had never in my life threatened anyone or anything. i once slapped a man, i repented and never done anything like that again.... so the question is, why didn't my sisters were admitted to the mental hospital three times in the row and why no one had tortured them... and they were on his side too, they too said horrible things to me during all of it... now i'm just suppose to believe that i have imagined all that.. i have evidence!

i want to die. i'm not even sure why i'm taking time, probably to get ready efficiantly but i know that if anyone would give me one pill and said i will die from it within an hour or so, i would not think twice i would just do it...

one other example of the things they were doing to me: when i realised that i was obsereved all around my house, including in my room, (god only knows what they have seen me doing...) i run out into the garden, undressed myself, fell on the floor and begun to hurt myself, i was crying and screeming that i knew they were watching me, and that they want to see a show so here it is, if i'm really this bad i should be punished...

later it came up, my mum was saying something about how my sister was worried about me, and that when i was in the hospital she run out into the garden and started crying because she was so upset... coincidence? yes it would be, but things like that kept coming up until i really couldn't hold it anymore.

..and because i told him later in the emails that i knew he read my diary, i said that triggers of those thoughts were when i was thinking i'm going mad... so they went out of their way to prove me that i've gone mad... everytime my mother would speak to me she would say you've gone mad, you think everyone is against you.. then in the hospital when i was really cornered my sister sent me a message that she is working so hard or rather that she is going mad... doctors made all different kind of hints towards me being mad... everyone was despearte it seemed for me to become an aggressive person...

i want to die, that's my only dream left... no fucking uni, no fucking going out with anyone, no fucking working or anything even close... forget everything, the stuff they came up with to prove me that i was a bad person...

they would put things into my room, into my bed, yet everytime i would say something about it, they would lie and say i'm imagining all these things, that i'm going mad, that i need to be in the hospital asap...!

can i be normal after everything they've done...? i don't feel anything anymore... and although it's been many months since they left me alone, i still can't live through a day not thinking about my brocken life, most of all my brocken image of myself....

i have to die... why am i still here?