I have friends, family and a fiancť who loves me. So someone explain to me why I still feel like I canít breathe? Like Iím drowning? Like thereís no possible reason why I should stay on this earth?
I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 16 when I was faced with the sudden suicide of my best friend. I had found him, alone in his bedroom, escaping a pain I couldnít even begin to understand. I remember wondering how someone could feel like that death was the only option left, but then I learnt it firsthand.
Itís been coming up to five years since that fateful day. I tell myself every day that what I do, I do for him. To finish living a life that he never could. So I graduated high school, and I progressed to University, and graduated that too. I found love, when I thought it was no longer possible, and begun planning a lifelong marriage.
For a long time, mainly in my University years, I found peace, and I found life falling into place. With my degree in sight, loving friends and a diamond ring on my finger; I could see my past long behind me. But then with months till my graduation, I felt it tingle under my skin again. I could tell I was going to crash, but I didnít want to believe it. I wanted to stay strong, to fight it with all I could.
But then it happened, just like I thought it would. It washed over me and I couldnít help it. And it has kept dragging me under for months now Ė almost 8 months. I still feel like I canít find the air, or keep my head above water.
I tried to stay distracted, keep the thoughts at bay, but the second I was alone with my thoughts, they all came flooding back. Once I got promoted at work, I felt a new kind of pressure and I quickly crumbled underneath it. I used to sit at my work, long after hours and just cry because I didnít know what else to do. I quickly begun taking up self-harming again, but was at least brave enough to tell someone what I had done, and that quickly put an end to it.
I have told my friends and my fiancť whatís going on, and they have provided me with so much love and support that I constantly feel like Iím letting them know because I canít beat my demons. But I hate talking to them about these things, because I feel like they donít know how I feel because they never had to face the same demons as me.
But now Iíve taken another blow of losing my job, so soon after getting promoted. So a new stress has been added, and I just canít deal with it any more. I feel like I canít win this fight any more, that life is too hard to bother with any more.
How do you find the energy to keep fighting? How do you stop yourself from not being awake late at night thinking of how many ways there are to kill yourself with the items in your bedroom? How do you stop the feeling that stops your lungs from functioning properly?
Because I donít know any more. Everyone tells me that there is a strength in me that my best friend didnít have, and as much as he wanted to, he simply couldnít find it. But I have no idea how to summon that strength anymore. I feel broken in so many ways. I just want to feel something else again.