I'm writing this like a letter.
I started skipping school when i was in the 8th grade, not to go smoke weed or party, but because i was depressed and couldn't get out of bed. I eventually got my GED instead of finishing because it was seemingly impossible for me to maintain my acedemics for an entire school year. I would go for 2 months and then skip for 2 months effectively undoing all the work i had done and falling too far behind to catch back up. I was never held back because i was able to pass tests to move to the next grade, but i basically stopped going to school in the 10th grade.
I got my first job when i was 17 at my cousins construction company he built with his father. I quit that after a day and got my first long term job at Kroger. I worked there for 3 months, fell into a depression again and stopped showing up. Again i got another job, at Burger King this time. I worked there for 8 months now before becoming horrifically depressed and quitting. I remember walking up to my boss with tears in my eyes saying "i'm sorry, i have to go home." And I never went back.
I still had my family and a couple of close friends at this point until my mother kicked me out for fighting with my step father. I lived in my car for 2 weeks before moving in with the future mother of my son. I found love and was basically intoxicated by it. I got a job at the Kroger near our house and worked there for a few months but eventually quit too when i became depressed and unstable. Mind you, since i was 6 years old i have been on prescription medications for behavioral disorders, ADD, ADHD, ODD, until eventually i was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder at 12 years old. In total i have been on 19 different medications over the course of 20 years.
Cut back to living with ashley, eventaully we got our own place when i was 19 and we quickly became unhappy. Largely because of me being unable to engage with her in a productive way due to my psychological shortcomings. After 3 months we moved out of there and i went back home. Approximately 2 months after that my mom kicked me out again, i lived in a motel for a month and ashley stayed with me a lot until eventually she met a guy when she was out with her friends and she cheated on me, eventually leaving me to be with him.
20 years old now, no parents, no friends, no girlfriend, sitting in a motel room alone. I called my brother to help me because i'm certain that if i stayed there i would not be alive today. My mother let me come back and i basically did nothing for a while. Eventually i got a job at k-mart as an overnight stock for 2 months and then again i couldn't continue. In 2011 i got a job at white castle. I quickly moved up to managment and then ashley came back into my life. We got a place and a year later found out she was pregnant. We were by no means functionally happy. Again, in large part because of me. After logan was born it was like i was intoxicated again with my love for him, but his mother and i were not happy and a few months after his birth i moved out.
We stayed together but we couldn't live together. I quit my lucrative job at white castle because of the depression and anxiety that was building. Some days i couldn't leave the house, who am i kidding, some WEEKS i couldn't leave the house. I moved into my current home in 2013. Living apart from ashley made parenting very hard and put a strain on our relationship that we idn't recover from. I had jobs on and off just like normal, but i couldn't be there as much as i liked or as much as she needed. I got a great job at NCO financial in an office with real opportunity to move up. A few months after that ashley cheated on me with a coworker and my life fell apart again. I began passing out at my desk from severe anxiety attacks, having to pull over on my way to work on the freeway many times when i felt one coming for fear of passing out and crashing. Eventually i could no longer do my job at NCO.
A few months later i got a job at fedex and worked there for about 3 months until i started having crying spells. As i was piling boxes in the back of a semi trailer, tears streaming down my cheeks, i remember clearly thinking "I would rather die than continue this." I walked out of the trailer, i turned in my scanner and left. I didn't work for a year and a half after that. In 2015 i got a job at a burger king franchise with joey and made really great money. Ashley came back into my life and moved in. We quickly realized it wasn'tgoing to work, again in large part because of me. I became depressed again, i tried to file for FMLA and take a leave of absence from work but you have to be there for a certain amount of time before that is available for you. I was eventually fired for not coming in, i ended my friendship with my longest friend, and i was completely and utterly alone.
In 2017 i got a job as a general manager of little caesars, after a month i quit. I seemed to be getting worse, the time it was taking for the job and the interactions and the depression to become unbearable were shrinking. And for the first time in my life, i didn't leave the house for probably 2 months outside of grocery shopping. Since last year i have been in my house alone doing nothing. Drinking. Gaining weight. Becoming the worst me i can imagine. You might think "why are you telling me this?" Well, honestly i just wanted to write, and as of now you are the only ear that listens. But also, i wanted to be transparent and kind of illustrate why i'm always so depressed and unhappy.
Theres a point when you come upon a threshhold, a tolerance, of what burden you can carry while still moving foreward. And since the 8th grade i have not been able to consistently complete long term plans or do anthing for very long periods of time. The problems i have put immense strain on the people around me, and because they love me they try to carry some of the burden i have, until they inevitably (and understandably) find their own threshhold and leave. And after almost 16 years of trying to build a sustainable life, failing, trying, failing, trying, failing and trying and failing again. I realized one thing, i will never have the formula or tools i need to maintain a normal life. And i have run out of reasons to convince myself it's worth it to keep trying.
With a lifetime of therapy, medicine, friends, lovers, and family, none of it was able to pick of the slack of what i emotionally and mentally didn't posess. And now i live in my house truly alone. There is no one left to lose. Nothing left to ruin. And the soul crushing idea that i lack the tools to create those positive things again, and even if i could i lack the tools and ability to maintain them and keep those bonds and assets healthy enough to want to stay with me. So that is why i am the way i am. And.. yeah, that's that.