need to let it out..
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need to let it out..

This is a discussion on need to let it out.. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; i am a 17 year old girl who wants to die more than anything in this world. i feel as ...

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Old 10-12-06, 09:31 PM   #1
 
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i am a 17 year old girl who wants to die more than anything in this world. i feel as though i'm already dead. my soul is crushed and my spirit is so broken. for my entire life, i have been living for everyone else. i have received stellar grades in order to be accepted by my family and friends, i have acted a certain way in order to get people to like me. i hate myself and i can't change it. it's too hard. my life is over before it's really begun because i have been fooling everyone with my facade. i really want to just go far away to college to get away from this life and to begin fresh, but then i realize that people probably won't like me there. the real me is annoying, stupid, pathetic, shallow, pitiful, a waste of flesh. and no one would want to talk to me anyways, i'm just a hideous speciman with no personality whatsoever. i hate how i look, i hate how i act. i hate how when i'm nervous i slur my speech and sound retarded. i hate how when people look me in the eyes i blink a lot and probably look so stupid. i hate every aspect of who i am and who i'll continue to be if i keep on living. i'm such a pathetic person. everything about me is ugly, pathetic, dumb or another dreary adjective. i have nothing. my friends are fake. my family is messed up. i lack intelligence and wit. i am nothing. i am a fraud and i want nothing more than to die the horrible death i deserve.
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Old 10-12-06, 09:37 PM   #2
 
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you are intelligent - you came here, where people really do care about you. real friends. i know it sucks it's all over the internet, but talking here can help so much - it has gotten me through many nights where i felt exactly how you do. and to be honest, i still feel that way. everyone expecting so much, having a fake attitude everyday - having to hide your true feelings of sorrow and despair. it's a horrible situation - and i do understand and really hope you can somehow find the strenght to move on and get better. easier said than done, i know. i hope you can get the help you need to make you feel better. anything you want to talk about - we're here for it - you dont have to fake anything here or hold anything back.
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Old 10-12-06, 09:39 PM   #3
 
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i hate everything. i hate who i am. i hate my life. it's so hard to keep living and death seems like such an easy alternative.
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Old 10-12-06, 09:44 PM   #4
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i'm sorry you hurting but i think you being way to hard on yourself, people will like you for you who is inside and you sound like you have a good heart, hang in there and i'm glad you came here we will always listen here and fish is right we do care
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Old 10-12-06, 10:05 PM   #5
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We do care about you here,..you are certainly worth more than you can imagine! You just don't realize it,..... We are so sorry for what you are going through,...You are important to us! Please don't give up on yourself,.....let us know what we can help you with,..we are here for you now,..we are listening!!!
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Old 10-12-06, 10:26 PM   #6
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Suicidal-Soul,
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. What's going on? It sounds like you're under a huge amount of pressure, you feel like you have a lot of expectations to live up to. It sounds like you're beating yourself up.
I used to be 17, and I used to hate myself just like you do...still do, sometimes. I'm 26 now, and I feel like I'm just starting to appreciate myself...I'm just starting to see myself as beautiful, as worth something...it's so hard, I know exactly how you feel. I've been where you are...it's really difficult.
But you're going to be OK. 17 is a HARD time for a lot of people. There are a lot of people out there who feel like you. You might be surprised to learn that most people your age are desperately pretending like they're OK when they're not...it's a really confusing time. Lots of changes, trying to settle into your adult life...trying to be someone or something, it's hard. But you really aren't alone.
One of the hardest parts of our society, I think, is the social isolation, the facade, the fake smile, the pretending, the acting. We are so anxious to seem like everything's OK, like we've got our shit together. But inside we're falling apart, we feel like nobody wants to know what we're really going through...there's shame, there's a lot of shame and anxiety about self-image. And for some of us, there's depression and suicidal thoughts. It's not healthy for us to feel that way, but it's not wrong, it's not bad, it doesn't mean we're bad people. It just means we're in pain, you know?
Don't beat yourself up over it too much, OK? Try to be good to yourself...you really deserve it.
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Old 10-12-06, 10:31 PM   #7
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suicidalsoul - You know, when I read this, you're so hard on yourself, why dear? You're none of the things that you mentioned. I know it's hard, but you know; while letting go seems to be the "easy route" to take, I gather that you're much stronger than what this post is. It's rough, I know, been there done that. You've found people who care; even stranger can care about a lost soul-so to speak. Your the only one that CAN climb this mountain, we're the hiking buddies to catch you; when/if you start feeling that the climb's too hard. Think of life that way. It's a hard climb to the top, but once you're there; man the air's so fresh & full of chances! There's always other options to consider. Have you tried counseling/therapy or talking to your doctor? What do YOU enjoy doing? What makes you the happiest?

You need to quit beating yourself up for things & believe more in yourself. It's not easy, I truly understand, but you know, there's only 1 you, so start allowing yourself to heal; inside out dear. Let us try to mend that broken soul & lift that beautiful spirit....

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Old 10-12-06, 10:56 PM   #8
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suicidalsoul, I too understand a lot of the things that you are going through. It sounds like you have very low self esteem. That is the way that I am, you can't see anything good in yourself. It feels like you are a worthless piece of sh*t. The thing is, you are not. We sometimes have to just accept the things that others say.things like..

You are worthwhile.

You are not dumb.

You are not pathetic.

You may have some quirks in your personallity, the thing is those quirks are what make you unique. Why be exactlly like everone else. Even though they may feel bad, they really aren't to other people. I also think that at some times in our lives we all can be a little or a lot fake We want to fit in so we become camellions, we blend in with whom ever we are around. It's not actually uncommon to do that. We all have different facets of our personallity. We are one way with friends, another way around family, another way at work or school. We adapt to the situation around us.

I am really sorry to hear how badly you are feeling. You have found this site for a reason. Like Aries said we are here for you. You never have to feel like you are alone in the word. The people here really do "get it". Know that I am here for you if you need me. Please don't kill yourself. Everyone has the choice and no one can really stop you, but we would rather have you here with us. So, try to take care of yourself, keep posting here, and try not be so hard on yourself. (I know that these things are hard to do...but we will help you).
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Old 10-12-06, 11:57 PM   #9
 
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I am so sorry you're feeling so down on yourself. You are not worthless, you don't deserve to die, let alone a horrible death. What has happened to make you dislike yourself so much? I know you said you acted like someone other than who you are to make people like you, but why did you start doing that? I'm not condeming, because I did exactly the same thing for most of my life. I only ask because if you can identify when and why you started acting that way, it makes it a little easier to start being yourself, or at least get started on the journey to finding yourself. I know it is human nature for us to want people to like us, but if your friends can't like you for who you truly are, then they aren't a true friend. I hope you can find your way. We're here to help in any way that we can.
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Old 10-13-06, 07:47 PM   #10
 
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i push everything good in my life away too. i'm worthless. help me.
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