Hi everyone, thanks in advance for being here and bothering to read.
So this is going to need a lot of explaining. Hope you have time for a long post.
Let's start with what happened.
Back in 2014 me and my best friend went to Portugal on a 3 week vacation during the summer holidays (we were both students at the time) mostly to just get away from it all (my friend had just come out of the most abusive relationship i have ever witnessed firsthand, and i was also mildly depressed at the time, although nothing like i am today). We rented an apartment in Braga and stayed in the city almost two weeks, ending the vacation with a week at BOOM festival.
We were young, so most nights in Braga were spent drinking with the locals.
It is here that i should state a few things about the main characters of this story; We were both deeply insecure, but for opposite reasons.
I was sexually supressed, having been the target of systematic bullying for 4 years, which gradually lowered my self esteem to near non existence, until any thoughts of me ever finding a partner of any sort seemed as laughable to me as the people who had been bullying me.
My friend on the other hand, was pretty damn liberated on that matter; The abusive relationship i mentioned earlier was that kind of BDSM relationship where the dom doesn't stop being the dom outside the bedroom, obviously leading to widespread manipulation and mental abuse for my friend (the sub) especially as my friend was deeply in love with this asshole, a fact which he kept taking advantage of.
Obviously, years of this kind of abuse did no better for my friend's self esteem than years of bullying did for mine, so in spite of our differences, we found common ground in our belief that the world was a thoroughly unfair place... and we also happened to share the same method of self medication (shitloads of weed, coupled with occasional psychedelic/MDMA ingestion, to be specific).
Anyhow, one of these nights we got REALLY shitfaced... the portugese had this weird gasoline tasting liqour, which i cannot for the life of me remember the name of, all i remember is you did ONE shot of that shit and you was "can't-walk-in-a-straight-line" drunk.
So we killed half a bottle of the stuff plus waaaaay too much tequila, not to mention a couple thousand braincells, and got home at around 9 in the morning that night/day. She was so drunk that i had to carry her "wounded soldier on your shoulder" style, and halfway back to the apartment, she somehow decided that it was too hot, and took off her top (she was never a fan of bras).
It should be mentioned that Braga is one of the most religious cities in all Portugal, and the soul piercing stares i got from wounded-soldier-carrying a blackout-drunk half-naked girl through the city streets as ordinary people were getting out their doors and heading for work was truly priceless! (not that this is instrumental to the events, but i figured a little funny anecdote would make this read less heavy for you guys, so there you go
Anyway, we got back to the apartment, and i dropped her on a matress we had dragged into the living room to watch a series the night before.
She tried to take off the rest of her clothes, but failed, so i had to assist, and then she blacked out instantly.
I put a blanket over her, more for my own sake than hers, as i wasn't exactly used to watching naked chicks lying around, but then my reptile brain took over.
I'm not gonna write any details because of forum regulations, but the important points are these: She did not wake up during. I did not have the balls to tell her what i had done until two years later (i told myself i didn't wan't to ruin her holiday retreat from her relationship hellhole by being living proof that monsters like me and her manipulative boyfriend would follow her where ever she went, which sort of made sense until we got home and i still didn't tell her, proving that i was really just a shitty little coward). She knows now, and has forgiven me (not without reason; when the abuse was at it's worst, she habitually pushed her friends away, but i stayed, no matter how much shit i got or how much she acted out on me, to the point where i was litterally the only friend she had left), and we're still friends to this day.
She actually laughed when i told her, commenting "was that it?", because i had built up to the conversation with something along the lines of "i understand if we can't be friends anymore after i tell you this, but i can't live with you not knowing the truth anymore", which only testifies to exactly how shitty that relationship she was in was, and how much it must have evidently meant for her that i stuck around and offered my support when no one else did... but that's all beside the point.
The point is she forgave me.
I however, have not forgiven me, which brings me to the real point of this story.
I tried to kill myself back in 15, but once again my cowardice kicked in, and i was unable to complete it, and haven't made any attempts since.
However if i was sexually dysfunctional before, i'm a sexual trainwreck now.
I get ticks and nervous spasms if i even think of asking a girl out, plus the several hours of invasive thoughts shaming the shit out of me whenever i look at a butt or a boob for too long, and as late as yesterday i lay awake until 4 in the morning twisting and turning in the sheets, finding ever more creative ways of calling my self a worthless piece of shit, and the insomnia is seriously affecting both my work performance and my already limited social capacity.
My roomie is ready to kick me out because i am "too depressed to live together with", and my boss is ready to fire me because i'm "too unstable", while a lot of my friends have stopped talking to me either because i told them the truth and they didn't approve or simply because i'm too depressed to be friends with.
I obviously hate my sex drive and still consider both suicide or castration on an almost daily basis, but alas, i still have parents who love me (for some fucking reason), so off'ing myself is out of the question, and castration is only a voluntary option for transgender people (i hate my sex drive, not my sex), or if i get prostate cancer (i don't know how to achieve this, but if you have an idea, i'm all ears) or if i get convicted, which would require my friend to reverse her forgiveness and have me tried in a court of law, which, being the coward that i am, i have not have the balls to suggest to her.
Weed still helps me sleep at night, but it is obviously not a good solution in the long run, and no amount of professional therapy has made me move an inch forward, so yeah, anyone out there have any idea how i might lessen this crippling self hatred? Just enough to function at least? I know that i will never fully forgive my self, but i still might partially accept it enough to start being a decent human being who can support himself and contribute to society, instead of being a self hating drain on my family's resources.
I at least have to try...