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Old 04-28-20, 02:15 PM   #1
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This Is Not
The Fucking Time...
for the forum to be slow or users to not want to post.
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Old 04-29-20, 07:59 AM   #2
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Hey there. I'm new here but I'm here if you want to talk.
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Old 04-29-20, 01:37 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AllButGone View Post
This Is Not
The Fucking Time...
for the forum to be slow or users to not want to post.


hi I hope you are okay

sorry I didn't see this post sooner but I am just now checking the game treads and saw this.

please continue to reach out. we care

x
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Old 04-29-20, 10:29 PM   #4
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Thanks guys. I just feel trapped. Personally, I'm not doing well as you've probably seen. I see such a simple way out and yet I can't, because my mother would quite literally not survive it. Do you think that would stop you all from attempting?
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Old 04-30-20, 12:29 AM   #5
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Yes i also cannot end things because of my mother she is legally blind and I'm the only one that can look after her. I recently got some bad news about my health as well sp i decided to re join these forums. But if you ever feel trapped I'll be here when i can be to message you. I can also tell you more about it if you want. But please stay safe.
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Old 04-30-20, 02:07 AM   #6
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Yeah, I would love to hear more. That is such a unique challenge. I truly hope you have the resources you need. I don't think you should have to feel that much pressure. Although, I know that she is your mother so it is hard not to feel responsible.

About 5 years ago, my mom burned my house down after many years on drugs and she has been incarcerated ever since. She is going up for parole in July which would mean she could be out in August. I live with my mom's cousin and her family. I'm biracial. They are all white. My first year there I was sexually harrased to perform certain acts towards my new "brother" which I refused to do. In consequence, our relationship was strained and there was an heir of awkwardness about. This was all going on while I went to therapy for abuse related reasons in my childhood... While my mother called me to ask how her abusive and destructive relationship was holding up while she was away (She is still in love with our abuser... My stepdad)
Also, in my new family I was forced to go to church for a religion I didn't believe in and live in a house with a pastor. (Did I mention, I'm impartial to gender when it comes to sexuality) Pastors DONT LIKE THAT( at least, this one didn't ) I was put into a christian school and heavily bullied... Then I went to another school and stayed for 1 and a half years. Finally got a girlfriend ... That was going well ... Until we found out that my guardian got a job offer back where we were from.... At this point in time I had moved 6 states away from me and my guardians birth state and there was an opportunity to go back "home"... Which is where all of my trauma happened. We moved.... My life long love/ bestfriend confessed she loved me (good timing 😂 now that I finally have a happy relationship) I told her that I couldn't do that to my girlfriend. Long story short I didn't last a month without a full on breakdown. Ran away with bestfriend who wasn't at the time my girlfriend, swam across a river, got shocked by an electric fence, climed a cliff, Finally was caught, tried to kill myself, was rushed off in an abulance toward the hospital.... Then, hours later, was taken to a inpatient center. Nice break. Didn't help. So they sent me to another one. I hated it so much there that I pretended I had made a miraculous recovery.... They bought it!! My mom called. She cried. She said she wouldn't be able to live without me. I agreed to promise not to KMS.
(Biggest mistake of My life)
Anyway, my Girlfriend said she had actually been doing well without me in the treatment centers. I thought that comment warranted a breakup, wouldn't you say? Started dating bestfriend who a couple days later broke up with me. She wanted to "work on herself" before she got into a relationship. I got back with my girlfriend (Ik, I'm not proud of this but honestly, I'm afraid of being alone) Told bestie that I was back with gf and bestie got angry. She said she thought I loved her.... Blah blah blah. So, ive never said this out loud or admitted it period but I didn't break up with my gf but I started dating my best friend. Yes yes, ik, horrific. Insensitive. Honestly, i never thought I'd be in that position. I mean, two girls loved me. Wow. You've heard the cliche excuses... I didn't want to hurt either of them. It was true, but I also didn't want to risk my bestfriend losing interest and me being stuck helping her navigate her love life without someone of my own. I didn't want to break up with my gf either, I felt pressured because a lot of people knew about us dating and her parents would hate me. No excuse. I know. I'm not an idiot. Eventually I end it with gf because she has gone a little bit cold after our last breakup and I'm conviced that my bestie who turned girlfriend is going to stick around for a while longer. I date her while getting steadily more depressed. My mom was sent to Solitary confinement and I didn't hear from her for a month. (She actually is still in there today) I try out bulimia. I like it. It seems to make me feel better about life. My bestie/gf tells me to tell her everything, so I do, and she tells me to stop hurting myself. I tell her that this is me and she knew that going in. We have a really good couple of phone calls. Lots of laughs. Then yesterday, she calls first thing in the morning and says we need to break up because she doesn't want to feel responsible. She didn't have to add... For my imminent death. Although, I don't understand how that responsibility is any different from the role of gf to best friend. We break up. She needs someone healthier, she says. fine, I get that. I join this forum and BOOM? !!! Here I am. So what do you think? Really, this isn't even half of it. 😂 if you got through all that ... Thanks, a lot.
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Old 04-30-20, 02:22 AM   #7
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How old are you??
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Old 04-30-20, 03:17 AM   #8
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Yes od course i read through all of that and well i read through it a few times because like i said..i care i really do, let me start off bu saying, I'm 26 and well you're story relates a lot like mine when it comes to the abusive and dating parts mine was just done by an uncle but anyway.. I'm glad i came back here and I'm glad i got to talk to you...my "girlfriend" lived in another country...we planned to finally meet in person..and then well the Corona lockdown affected our plans since international flights we're canceled...also this is probably the part where i should state that I'm Autistic and i met her on a Autistic support forum even though she isn't Autistic herself her best friend is...but anyway a week ago i got a bad medical Diagnosis (worse than Corona in my opinion ) and then she admitted to me that she is polyamorous and that she didn't love me in that way she just didn't want me to kill myself...so she lied to me about basically everything...but she used me for stuff so that made it way worse...and that's the biggest reason i joined here again..in a span of 2 days..i got told that I'm really sick and i lost the only person i ever talked to except my mom..who i cant be with right now as she is getting treatment for her eye disease. There's more i can tell but..just know i truly do care and i really hope we find a positive way out of all this..
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Old 04-30-20, 11:22 AM   #9
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I hate when people do something because they're afraid of what you'll do to yourself. I mean, if we wanted to die, one person in our life will not be the cause to stop us. Mental illness is bigger than that. My bestfriend never understood why she wasn't enough to make me want to live. I'm really sorry that happened to you. The hard truth is People Are Flawed (and I guess we'll both have to figure out how to accept that) Sometimes it seems as if humans are meant to be in pain. Like it's our purpose. So many people deal with so many things.

So I have a few questions...
Were you primarily a healthy person before being diagnosed with this thing that is worse than Corona?
Do you have an urge to reconnect with the girl despite what happened?
(Because FYI you deserve someone better or at least better at hiding there true motives. After all, everyone kind of sucks 😂)

I seem to have this weird investment in how you end up. May it be well. Fun fact, my "brother" that I mentioned in my story has high-functioning autism. Are you high or low functioning? Lastly, your mother. I'm so sorry that you can't be with her in a time like this. It's scary handling this much change on your own (new illness, lack of gf, world shut down). I'm here "in spirit", as they say. Talk to me about anything, no judgement. Just advice.
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Old 04-30-20, 01:30 PM   #10
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Well i agree it would've been way better if she was just honest from the start. Instead of trying to influence me and "feel better" on lies, anyway well I'm somewhere in between on the Autism spectrum but I've been recently diagnosed as Bipolar as well (people with autism is more likely to get both) and I've been tested for some kind of epilepsy as well bit still waiting for the results on that to come in. Honestly this feels surreal to me as i don't usially tell people this but just like you...I'm invested in you i dont usually like to talk to people just in case people think I'm doing it just for attention or whatever. But i can relate to you...i know a lot of "colored people" that been treated unfairly unfortunately my "family" are also like that so even though I'm "alone" I'm better off without them as my mother and i are nothing like that. As for the girl well there's been a new development but I'm too emotionally drained to talk about it now, but thanks our talks has really been helpful since i haven't entirely been alone. As for my illness yes, i was until a few months ago it just happened out of the blue, amd i agree with what you said about pain, i felt like i feel like this/been cursed with all that happened to me because of all the bad my family does without caring...that all their sins are placed on me..I'm sorry if somethings i say don't make much sense as A. Communication isn't my strong point and B. I'm emotionally drained and my meds are affecting me. But I'll keep checking up on you here.stay well my friend.
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