making my peace with life.
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making my peace with life.

This is a discussion on making my peace with life. within the Suicide forums, part of the Suicide Forums category; i think i'm moving on to a new phase in my life, one where i make peace with myself and ...

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Old 03-28-07, 07:56 PM   #1
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Default making my peace with life.

i think i'm moving on to a new phase in my life, one where i make peace with myself and with the fact that i'm alive. i've finally gotten to a point in my thinking where i'm able to see that medications are not some kind of strange torture device; they're tools that can really help people who need to take them.
i'm coming to terms with the fact that i have an illness which is treatable. i don't feel like i have to let it rule my life. there have been many interesting adventures, to be sure, and i can't say i won't miss some things. but i realize now that i need to be stable, and peaceful. even if i'm not happy, that's ok. i can work on that as time goes. the most important thing now is for me to be a consistent, reliable person, an emotionally stable role-model and care provider for my kids, a good student, and a decent if not agreeable housemate for my ex.
i feel somewhat ashamed of myself for taking such a damn long time to reach this conclusion: it's cost me and my loved ones a lot. but i guess it's all just part of the process of learning. i guess it's the right time for this to be happening. don't push the river, you know what i mean?
i am glad to be in this space. i feel like i'm approaching a greater sense of ease and connectedness in my life than i've had in years and years and years and years.
i'm establishing a relationship with the doctor at my school, who i like, though soon i'll have to go to county mental health for my appts over the summer since the school health center will be closed. it's too bad; i like the office, there are good doctors and counselors there.
i'm now willing to do what it takes to live my life in a balanced way. if medication is the way to do it, so be it. i will embrace it with openness and acceptance and love.
another thing....for so long i've turned to suicide. i've thought about it, obsessed over it, planned it, tried it. but not any more. i'm determined to get stable and face my life. i owe it to myself and my loved ones, especially my kids. no more screwing around! i'm here, and it's my job to learn how to be here in a peaceful way which benefits my loved ones and allows me to do the things i want to do in my life without freaking out all the time. really, life is so short, and death is going to come sooner or later. i might as well make the most of my life while i'm here.
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Old 03-28-07, 08:02 PM   #2
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Wow, Dreamer, it sounds like you've really been doing some thinking!
That's great that you're feeling better and adjusting your outlook, looking forward to the future w/your kids... I know that it will make a world of difference to them!
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Old 03-28-07, 08:06 PM   #3
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Atta girl! What an awesome post from you dreamer. You sound just great, totally level. You're on your way. Really glad to hear you say all this. You're going to make it. :)
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss

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Old 03-28-07, 08:09 PM   #4
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yah, i feel good about it strawbean. i think these medications are going to be good for me.
in my life there is a state i often have existed in, and which i may exist in again, where i feel like i'm balancing between total misery and total insanity. there have been many, many times where i've felt like i'm experiencing both of those states simultaneously, and it's really not easy to live like that.
right now i'm interested in creating a state of peace, harmony, and ease in my life.
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Old 03-28-07, 08:15 PM   #5
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thank you, tiggrr. i do feel more level, it is such a good feeling for me to have.
i am so thankful for this community. you know, i don't think i would be in the place i am right now if not for people here. you and others have been so supportive of me, helped me to see things from perspectives i would not otherwise have been willing to look at.
when i first came to ttl, i was completely afraid of medications, and i wasn't too hot on doctors or therapists either. talking with others here has helped me to see that other people have found relief and healing through these means. it's also helped me to see that i'm not alone in feeling the way i do.
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Old 03-28-07, 08:17 PM   #6
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Well this sounds great Dreamer... :) I am glad ya came to this conclusion.
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Old 03-28-07, 08:24 PM   #7
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i agree without the input of others it would be so easy to give up hope and lose your mind.
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Old 03-28-07, 10:12 PM   #8
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that's great dreamer good for you :D

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"...hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption, winding in, winding out, the shine of which has caught my eye..." "vindicated, i am selfish, i am wrong, i am right, i swear i'm right, i swear i knew it all along, i am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well, i am seeing in me now, the things you swore you saw yourself.."
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Old 03-28-07, 10:19 PM   #9
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DREAMER! thats awesome you're thinking like that. you're so strong and kind and sweet and so many other things... this is why you've always been inspirational to me! Good luck with this Dreamer, we're always here for you.
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