i think i'm moving on to a new phase in my life, one where i make peace with myself and with the fact that i'm alive. i've finally gotten to a point in my thinking where i'm able to see that medications are not some kind of strange torture device; they're tools that can really help people who need to take them.
i'm coming to terms with the fact that i have an illness which is treatable. i don't feel like i have to let it rule my life. there have been many interesting adventures, to be sure, and i can't say i won't miss some things. but i realize now that i need to be stable, and peaceful. even if i'm not happy, that's ok. i can work on that as time goes. the most important thing now is for me to be a consistent, reliable person, an emotionally stable role-model and care provider for my kids, a good student, and a decent if not agreeable housemate for my ex.
i feel somewhat ashamed of myself for taking such a damn long time to reach this conclusion: it's cost me and my loved ones a lot. but i guess it's all just part of the process of learning. i guess it's the right time for this to be happening. don't push the river, you know what i mean?
i am glad to be in this space. i feel like i'm approaching a greater sense of ease and connectedness in my life than i've had in years and years and years and years.
i'm establishing a relationship with the doctor at my school, who i like, though soon i'll have to go to county mental health for my appts over the summer since the school health center will be closed. it's too bad; i like the office, there are good doctors and counselors there.
i'm now willing to do what it takes to live my life in a balanced way. if medication is the way to do it, so be it. i will embrace it with openness and acceptance and love.
another thing....for so long i've turned to suicide. i've thought about it, obsessed over it, planned it, tried it. but not any more. i'm determined to get stable and face my life. i owe it to myself and my loved ones, especially my kids. no more screwing around! i'm here, and it's my job to learn how to be here in a peaceful way which benefits my loved ones and allows me to do the things i want to do in my life without freaking out all the time. really, life is so short, and death is going to come sooner or later. i might as well make the most of my life while i'm here.