Hi. I'm 18 years old, and just needed to talk to someone/some advice.
My life in a nutshell: I was a normal, shy child. My dad hanged himself about 2 months after I started high school, when I was 12. Friends who have known about this have always tried to give me sympathy but honestly for some reason this has never bothered me, even though I had a great relationship with him and we were really close. I was also not surprised at the time because he had been suffering with depression for two years beforehand and he used to run around the house having panic attacks. I think I was numb at the time and I still am.
Then my mum met another man and within two months of meeting him was married. He turned out to be screwed up and was emotionally abusive to me, my mum and my brother. Thankfully after two years my school helped my mum and I get out of his house and to a women's refuge. My mum went back to him however, and left me in a bungalow where I lived until I finished my GCSEs (16 years old.)
I then went to live with my aunt and my younger cousins and they were like my family. I ought to have been happy with them as it was so nice living in a happy family and being like a big sister to two young children and two babies. I started college and continued living with them but I found life too hard and was cutting and either starving myself or bingeing and purging. My aunt had no idea however because I didn't feel like I could upset her by telling her. After two months at college, and four months after leaving high school, the two friends I'd had at high school had lost contact with me and moved on. I was lonely, suffering with crippling anxiety and body issues. I also admit that I am addicted to pills that I claim are for 'period pain.' I told my mum I wasn't happy, and one night I just packed a bag and left. Now I am living in my flat two months after leaving, living on benefits and trying to find a job.
The past two months I have been thinking more and more about suicide. I have thought about it a lot over the years and have had numerous counselors who have all been no help. I was mid-way through CBT when I left my aunt's. I have also been to the doctor's numerous times when I have been at my lowest and they have been absolutely awful - telling me that there's nothing they can do because it's the situation.
I'm not sure what to do. I have always wanted a friend that has things in common with me. I play video games, like comic books, cosplay, conventions, I am interested in Japan, like video editing etc, not things that girls usually do. Unfortunately I attract the people who use me/control me because of my shy nature. Lately I have been writing stories with characters I like from books/comics and video games, and I get lost in those worlds which in the long run gets me more sad and lonely.
I hate myself like I guess most people do, but I am also for lack of a better word 'ashamed' of the world. I find it hard to explain, but whenever I see my mum or brother, it's like I can't wait for them to go so that I can get back to my own little world. I feel embarrassed to be in reality in a weird way. Basically I wish I lived in a book/fantasy world lol. I even feel it when I walk my dog. The area I live in is so rough and run down and I feel the 'ashamed' feeling for living such a lonely, depressing existence. I dream about getting on a plane and going somewhere where I might have an adventure and begin my story/life. At the moment my sleeping pattern is all over the place. I either stay up all night or sleep for most of the day. My diet is either starving or bingeing as I am in a constant mental battle of control with food. I'm babbling now! I have never typed/spoken my feelings/past before. I hope this made sense and didn't waste your time, but thank you for reading.

Hai.
Don't think that you're wasting your time. A lot of people here also face challenges in their lives. You're not alone :) But first, the suicide issue: You're eighteen. You've had a very difficult past and I could understand why you feel this way. But honestly, don't hurt yourself. Nothing is worth self violence. It makes me really sad to see people suffering. You still have a wonderful life ahead of you. Yes, things seem really dull right now, but you can find a lot of happiness in this world if you're just patient :D

You're very young. You'll find really good friends, trust me. You just gotta be patient with these things. I'm merely seventeen and the only friends i've ever had are from here. :P It's okay. You'll make friends all in good time.

I think you should make finding a job your priority. You can meet great, new people there. Or, you could start thinking about what kind of things you'd like to do in a career, and possibly go back to school in the future ?
Whatever you choose to do, don't hurt yourself. Please. Your life means so much. All life is precious, including yours so stay strong.

By the way. I like comic books as well and although i've never cosplayed before, i love anime and manga. :)

Thank you that's really kind. I'm still thinking over everything. I have nothing to lose but also I do have the potential to be happy if I work for it. I know there's still a long time in which things might happen that could make me happy again. It's just the thought of having to work whilst hiding my panic attacks is particularly scary at the moment. I automatically push people away just so that they can't hurt me but in the end it just prevents me from making friends. But as you say there's plenty of time. ^^ Also, nice to see a fellow anime/manga fan. Looks like L in your avatar.

Nice guess, but it's actually Beyond Birthday from the Death Note Spinoff.
I push people away as well. But I feel as though when I meet the right people, I won't be so distant. Maybe the same will apply to you as well. And you have plenty to lose if you go. you may not see it, but its true.

It's okay to have panic attacks. Just try to stay calm as much as you can. Deep breaths and meditation help me. Try it

Hi there, cityofsnow, and welcome to the forum. Your post did make a lot of sense, as I can relate to much of it. I sent a PM, and I know TTL puts a restriction on you before you can PM me back. I'm definitely ashamed of the world, and roam my own. I love writing and reading stories. Sorry about your eating habits. I caught onto that early last year, though it was emotionally eating things I don't usually eat.

Trust me Snow, It's bothered you. When emotions become so overwhelming that you can't deal with them, you'll shut down emotionally. It's usually described by people as a numbness. It's a defense mechanism, you don't know how to process what happened, & so you don't. Your mind puts up a firewall your feelings can't penetrate. You're probably going to need counseling love.

You've felt numb since at least 12 years old? Early childhood trauma? Sexual abuse, physical abuse? Parents emotionally unavailable?

Good times (not really). Yeah, sounds about right. Drugs & alcohol have been used as coping mechanisms for several millennia now. Drowning your sorrows in a high will help get you through the day, but it's a bandaid, & bandaids fall off. Addressing the root causes of your depression will make managing & then defeating addiction easier. I'm still struggling with my own sobriety, stay strong. If it gets to be unmanageable then seek out rehab. Remember to stay in the kiddie pool, wouldn't want to see you drowning in the deep end. (i loooove metaphors!)

I don't suppose going back home is an option is it?

If you're not ready to accept help, then you won't be able to find it. Not even here. I wouldn't blame you if you weren't ready, I wasn't ready to accept help for a long, long time. Although, you're posting here, so clearly you want some idea of which direction you should take. When you're ready, you have to make a commitment to your heath, well being, & peace of mind. You have to want it. You have to want it more than you want death.

Would you mind elaborating? Did they mention something specifically?

Yeah, that also sounds about right. Fucked up people are drawn to fucked up people. Expect all of your relationships with boys or girls to be rocky after the first few months, until you've gotten long term treatment.

It's called escapism. You're escaping reality in fantasy lands, it's making you miserable because after you've spent hours trying to get out of the real world you still haven't addressed any of the root causes of your troubles. We've all done it. Nothing wrong with a little escapism here & there, but your life shouldn't revolve around media. You're probably isolating as well, that's still an issue I'm working on. I'll letcha know if I find any good answers for it.

Most people don't hate themselves. Lot's of people struggle to make it through the day, but they don't hate themselves. In time, you'll learn that you're a smart beautiful person who deserves love, & deserves happiness, & deserves respect, & deserves peace of mind.

Is it because you're not comfortable with yourself? Writhing in your own skin has a way of making everything else seem as equally tormented as you are.

That's not true. I bet you have hopes & dreams & reservoirs of unfulfilled potential waiting for you to command of your life so they may be unleashed. Keep fighting Snow, don't be nihilistic. You are so much more than you can see right now.



Hope that helped at all, sorry if I'm too preachy. Hopefully I didn't completely annoy you. Just know I've had my fair share of trials & tribulations. If I can make it, so can you. :)

Hi, thanks for the message. I'm glad I'm not on my own with that.
Yay I too love Dragonball Z and Pokemon. They were definitely my favourite shows growing up. Now-a-days I play a bit of everything. I play a few 'triple-A' titles - I have really enjoyed the recent Batman games, Mass Effect, Uncharted and I play Final Fantasy & Kingdom Hearts. And of course I still play Pokemon. ^^

Most recent game I've played is Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth. I love all of them, or at least the ones that were released in America. The only one of those games you mentioned that I played were Uncharted and a demo of Mass Effect 1. DBZ and Pokemon were favorites as a kid. And I'm a fan of DBZ abridged.

Do like still like 90s kid shows?

Coral Fang,

I agree, that's how I coped with it/still cope with it, by being numb. I remember that I went back to school days later as normal just expecting it to 'hit me' at some point but it never did. I thought something wasn't right as I wasn't reacting like my mum who just cried for months, or my brother who was sad and confused before coming to terms with it. However two years ago I did have a 'mini-breakdown' at school. I was in the middle of a lesson when I just collapsed and woke up with anxiety/panic attacks that I had never felt before. It was horrible, I was convinced I was dying but my mum and I put it down to the situation we were living in (my step-dad.) Perhaps it was more than that.

I don't know if I could face my aunt again. I always cope (or avoid coping) with my problems by running away. She's also quite controlling and unpredictable. Anyone that has disagreed with her in the past has been shouted at to tears including my 80 year old grandma and I feel very guilty about that.

I think I am ready to be helped. I'm was thinking about going to the GP and being referred. Just scared of doing it. I don't like having to talk about this stuff out loud, I get ridiculously anxious and shakey.

The last time I went to the doctors was a few months ago. My mum actually took me as I felt incredibly low and was really scared. I explained that I'd felt this bad about three times before but this time it had lasted a week. It's hard to explain that feeling, I have had it one day since. The doctor just told me I need to fix the root of the problem, there's nothing they can do for me.

Yeah I worry a little about being in a controlling relationship like my mum has let herself into, but I've never even had a relationship so I'm not thinking too much about it.

I see what I'm doing now and it makes sense. I don't know if I am comfortable in my skin or not, but I hate that I don't have a lot of self-control, that I'm shy and socially awkward lol.

Thank you for the help.

Snow, if you're still having panic attacks after getting out of that chaotic household it is almost definitely more than you think it is. You've had some fucked up shit happen to you, & you're still carrying that baggage around. Counseling will help lighten the load on your shoulders. It sounds like your mom may have made a few mistakes as well, inviting an abusive(?) man into the house. Your problems with food (anorexia? bulimia?) are an attempt to establish some control in your life of seemingly endless chaos. If the whole world is crashing down around you, at least you can still decide what to do with your body when it comes to food. Like drug abuse, it's another negative coping mechanism. Try a few different healthy coping skills. Exercise & taking up a journal are a good place to start. It may sound like it won't solve the problem, but escaping misery is a journey, & the journey of a thousands miles begins with a single step. Don't be afraid to start small on the road to recovery.

Ah fuck that. Okay, so going back home isn't an option, so you know what that means right? Work job time! I know you're worried about hiding panic attacks at your job, but here's the thing, don't hide them. Tell your potential employer that you're going through a rough patch in your life & this is something you're dealing with. There is a strength in admitting weakness. If you don't get the job because of frickin panic attacks then you didn't want to work there in the first place. You're going to need an understanding boss, nice bosses are out there too. Try restaurants, they're great places for young people to get their first job. Plus, lots of people who work at restaurants smoke weed, which is waaay better for you than pills (if you must do drugs, do ganja). One more thing about looking for work, it's hard on a person. Not getting a job can feel like a personal rejection, it's not. Stay strong & don't take rejection personally. Get a resume together (you can find good examples online) & go get that interview. Make sure you speak to the person who makes the hiring decisions & put your resume in their hands personally. Look em in the eye & shake their hand when you tell em your name. When you get to the interview you have to convince that person that you're awesome (and you are snow) & that their company will fall apart without your awesomeness specifically.

GP? Granny panties? German police? Ah I got it, general practitioner, right? I know what you mean when you say it's tough to talk about. Finding the words I was searching for took years. Try writing your feelings & your past down. You don't have to worry about your voice cracking & eyes welling up that way. If the words are too difficult to speak then write them. Your feelings are dying to burst out of you, give them an outlet. Simply trying to get help requires a strength of courage all it's own. You want this Snow, chase what you want. One of my favorite quotes (I'm sure you're familiar) is "To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." Make this your motto & you will conquer the world.

Those are all skills you will master in time (practice makes perfect!). Conquer your neuroticism & happiness will follow.

Thank you for listening.