Life gets screwed up
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Life gets screwed up

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Old 12-19-08, 10:05 PM   #1
 
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Default Life gets screwed up

Hey, I don't really know how this all works, but I really feel like I gotta get this out into the open and I can't really talk to my family or friends about it because really it starts and ends with all of them....

From the age of about 10, I have been taking lortabs, xanax, and other heavy narcotics that most people wouldn't be introduced to until later in life. My parents would give me 7.5 mg lortabs and 1mg xanax for headaches or minor panic attacks, and slowly I became addicted to these drugs. I don't think it was there fault, they just didn't know that this would happen.......

Well fastfoward about 7 years... I get sent to a private military academy and am introduced to tobacco products, mainly dip but everyonce in a while I would get to sneak a cigarette... now I know that I am definately not addicted to tobacco and that I only do it to look cool, but through smoking cigs, my roommate and some of my other friends introduced me to weed. Yea, I was in love. My first high was at 17 (the age I still am FYI) and it was about 3 months ago. Since then I've proceeded to smoke almost a total pound of weed.... and while that isn't alot I also combined it with a good amount of opiats and sedatives. I don't know if I'm addicted but right now that is not my main problem.... just one of them....

Interjection: I'm sorry if I am rambling, I just have a lot to talk about and I really need to get this off of my chest.....

Okay... so back to about a month ago. My roommate introduces me to one of his stoner friends and I quickly fall desperatly in love with her, not knowing all of her problems.... see she suffers from extreme anxiety and depression just like myself and while I was away at school, when she was really high and thought I was mad at her she cheated on me with a guy I'm just gonna call Arthur. Well she didn't tell me about it until about a week later when I finally came home for Christmas break which incidentaly was about a week ago.

To say it was a shock is an understatement.... but I could tell that she truly regretted it and she was saying things about how she didn't deserve to live now that she had done that to me and that how I should hate her and all this other stuff.... But I sucked it up, acted like a man and told her that it was just a mistake and as long as she promised me she wouldn't do it again or hurt herself because of it then I would still continue to date and love her. She agreed and then later that night she left and went home...

About an hour later I get a text message from her that said "I love you Michael" and I texted her back "I love you too baby" not knowing that anything was wrong.......

The next morning I have to go and take the ACT.... once I get out I call my girlfriend and her mom picks up and tells me that my girlfriend had tried to kill herself the night before... she had taken [EDITED REFERENCE TO SUICIDE METHOD] and only by the grace of God was her mother home to not let her die. Later that day, once my girlfriend had her phone back she texted me that she was sorry and that she really didn't want me to break up with her....

Of course that was the furthest thing on my mind, all I could think about was her and how much I loved her and what I would do if I lost her.... God I'm sorry there is just too much to talk about.... it's getting really hectic and if there is someone out there that cares just a little bit about what I said please respond...... since then alot of other stuff has happened and now I feel like just [EDITED REFERENCE TO SUICIDE METHOD] and just ending it all.... ya know go to the peace but I won't.... my family needs me.... but I really need someone to talk to so please just post or pm me or something.

God, if there is one, please help me.

PS: The last thing Jillian had done before taking all those pills was text me that message that said she loved me. Someone help me.

Last edited by Amie; 12-19-08 at 10:22 PM.
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Old 12-19-08, 10:16 PM   #2
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Hi Michael.
I'm sorry you're so worried about your gf. I know how it feels -with good friends anyway, when they want to end things or even do attempt.. It's desperately saddening + scary... Please hold on. She would probably feel just as bad if you attempted as you felt when she did..
Why are you feeling like this? bc you're so sad?
what is overwhelming you atm?
It's sad that your parents started you out like this + you feel the need to continue taking all this stuff. Do you want to continue doing so?
We are here to listen to you, Michael.
Maybe start out a few posts, as this one contains a lot.. that way people will see your posts + respond... maybe in depression, or in suicide, discussing your si thoughts, or maybe in Love and Relationships?
I only ask bc you aren't bothering anybody. This is what TTL is for, and we know what it's like to feel so overwhelmed + in pain that we'd like to end it.
So please, keep posting + talking. We're here for you.
(oh and of course, you can still post here, I'll look out for posts..)
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
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Old 12-19-08, 10:24 PM   #3
 
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Thanks Strawbean that really helps alot... I think I understand what your saying..... don't just cram everything into this one long post but seperate it and try to deal with the problems one by one? That might help... Thank you so much you seem like a really caring person.

--- oh and about the pills and stuff.... yes I am still addicted and it is killing me... I took about 4 xanax 30 or 40 minutes ago because I had an extreme panic attack... I think thats what is making me really wanna talk about this.... but I know I need to stop. It's killling me though... not having it... worrying constantly.... weed and xanax and soma and flexaril and lortab and oxycodine they keep me sane, the keep me from cutting [EDITED].... I once went three days w/o any medication and I [EDITED REFERENCE TO SUICIDE METHOD]... the scars and still there... I don't know if they will ever go away.

Last edited by Amie; 12-19-08 at 10:52 PM.
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Old 12-19-08, 11:09 PM   #4
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you're welcome Michael.
yeah what you're saying might help. I know that when I feel really overwhelmed, that's what helps me... to write about it, express it, and try to break it down into what is really upsetting me at the moment.. then I can separate and think about anything else that is stressing me out in a more realistic fashion..
As for the pills, that's an awful lot to handle. I don't know a lot about addiction, but we do have people here with similar problems who would understand better than I..
Although it does seem clear to me that you feel really scared at the moment.. and feeling scared happens. But feeling scared cannot hurt you, Michael. Fear is a feeling. Just something to think about. I know it's way harder than this simple idea to try and deal with it at the time.
When I'm feeling very anxious, I often go and lay down in a dark room with music on and focus on my breathing/meditation. (I've had quite a bit of practice doing this, though.) But I have meds too. You have to judge what you need at the moment. Talking + expressing is a good thing too..
I'm sorry you hurt yourself.
I hope that you will try to be safe going on and off meds... because i know it can be very hard to deal with this anxiety and depression when you're trying to go without meds... scary too.
But there are withdrawls- + side effects are possible too, so try not to go cold turkey. I know that it's better to step down doses gradually and one at a time. this reduces such side effects...
Do you see a doctor or a therapist? Generally it is a good idea to have help when trying to quit or when dealing with medications, on and off...
Maybe one might be able to help you with the anxiety + such?
((((HUG))))
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Old 12-19-08, 11:31 PM   #5
 
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Yeah I used to see a doctor, but he really didn't help much..... my main problem is that I keep all my feelings, good, bad, depressed, bottled deep down in my soul and then every so often the bottle shatters and my soul feels as though it becomes nothing but ashes.... but I called the suicide hotline and the helped alot.... i'll definately keep posting of this forum, whether to help ppl or to talk to someone about my own self. Thanks alot strawbean.... i really appreciate your help, but I'm gonna go crash for tonight. Got family comin tommorow and i have to put on my happy face lol
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Old 12-20-08, 01:01 AM   #6
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Hey Michael. Glad you feel a bit better + that the suicide hotline helped..
Yeah, I know a lot of people who stow all their feelings inside... I bottle feelings a bit myself.. (I'm better than I was tho.)
Maybe a therapist might be able to help you with that, or with the anxiety.. Have you ever thought about doing that?
Mine helps me more than my meds do, it's apparent..
I'm glad you feel comfortable here.
Hope things with your family go all right tomorrow.
((HUGS)) Hope to see you around.
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