First off i would like to say hi to everyone here this is my first post so i am a little nervous but hopefully someone can understand this or relate even.
I am a 20 year old male who may look normal on the outside but inside and in my head i am really messed up/confused, when younger i always had a little anger deep down inside of me, however in the past year it has gotten worse to the point of suicidal thoughts and several failed attempts (I just couldn't go through with it)
It started after i left college and decided i didn't want to take mechanical engineering into the 3rd year, now i am at the jobcentre every week. In all honesty i haven't tried my hardest, I am ashamed of what i have become.
On a daily basis i get an adrenaline rush and dream of sorting all this stuff out and settling down with a woman and having a family, it feels all positive until the doubt, fear emotions settle in and i feel like the suicide is necessary to prevent it ever happening in the future especially in front of a partner or even worse a child.
I feel trapped and feel like there isn't a way out but then the positive will kick in for a little bit, the negative just seems to be the majority right now.