The life, drained out of everyhing
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The life, drained out of everyhing

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Old 01-16-19, 08:38 PM   #1
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Default The life, drained out of everyhing

I'm not even sure why I'm posting here again. I managed to cling on the last time.

But... can anyone give me a reason to carry on living?

My grandparents are dead, my mother and uncle have Parkinsons. My father has a degenerative mental syndrome. My aunt died at the beginning of 2018, and her partner didn't tell my mother or anyone else this until just before Christmas.

I'm gay. I hate it. I'm ashamed of it and it has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. My first sexual experience ostracised from ALL societal interaction for three years. I spent all my school life with my head in my hands, afraid of criticism and hating myself.

My shame will never leave me now. I grew up during a time where AIDS was prevalent it terrified me.

I shut myself off from everyone. But even before this, I was a terrified child. Scared to speak. To express my opinion except where my own defense mechanisms kicked in, at which point they perceived purely as stubbornness.

My student life offered little by way of relief, bar the use of very soft drugs, which were the only reason I didn't kill myself then as they provided me with a confidence and relaxation nothing else in the world had done to that point.

I never used those drugs again after I left university. Ever since then, I have been alone. Utterly alone in my own head. I am unable to keep friends because I don't believe I deserve to be their friend. Or didn't at any rate.

I am now 44, have been sexually active for a total of 3 years of my life. This is not normal.

The three years came as I found a partner, albeit briefly, and then I self-sabotaged and screwed the whole thing up. This was over a decade ago. I haven't been touched by another person since then, and now I fear I am frigid.

I have lost all enthusiasm for anything in life, except sleep. I would rather sleep than be awake.

I even went into therapy, whereby I merely confused my therapist with my inexplicable fear of positive experiences. I was told I grew up with no framework within which I could emotionally interact with others.

And that was it.

Now all I have is work. Nothing else. Just an empty grey husk of a life. I physically hurt, every day. I wake up and molten lead pours into my lungs.

Nothing helps.

Can anything help?
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Old 01-17-19, 07:44 AM   #2
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Hi, i feel rly sorry for you, i also felt bad nobody had replied to you yet, idk if a time frame that long is normal for an average forum but i hope this helps, i don't want to go off on a tangent speaking about my own problems (i'm sure you wouldn't care anyway especially since you didn't come here for that purpose, also, i think it's in the rules that you shouldn't shift the focus too much from what the member is asking even if that is kinda what i did here, i'm sorry, i just wanted to clarify)but i know how it feels being scared to talk to people, not deserving happiness and/or friends and hating waking up in the morning because you have lost interest in living.


i'm pretty sure you should not be ashamed of your homosexuality, i wouldn't judge you for it, although i don't know how much that means to you, probably not much, especially considering i don't really allow myself to judge anybody ( i think that's because i feel like i'm not worthy enough or in the position to do that).


i'm really happy for you that you managed to stop taking drugs.


i'm really sorry about what your family had to go through, i hope you know it's not your fault though.


reguarding your fear of positive experiences, i think i've read somewhere that might have something to do with repressed memories?


i don't really have a solution for your fear of social interaction( i have those kind of anxiety problems too even if maybe not for the same reasons) but i'm happy that you do have a job, i would suggest finding a hobby maybe? or getting really good at something you like doing?


i really hope this helped you,i tried my best replying to you.


this reply is structured horribly, i know, i'm rly sorry
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Old 01-20-19, 06:46 AM   #3
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I agree with sean 45 here==maybe you have got issues with family matters,drugs but i say==never be ashamed of being gay..If people judge you for it these people are just on the wrong side of toleration and acceptance in life..a sexual identity which puts yourself into questions like i am no good etc...can be a heavy burden to carry...i know a girl who is lesbian,she came out with it into the open on facebook..result==her family felt ashamed and boycotted her out of their life...how come?people should understand that we're living in a new age where gay and lesbian bashing and homophobic behaviour should not exist..towards Quaristice i say==try to carry on in life with a positive attitude,not easy maybe,but give it a go..
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Last edited by tigerlover; 01-20-19 at 06:50 AM.
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Old 01-24-19, 05:55 PM   #4
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Music. Right now I have Indian flute music playing in one window, and bird songs and flowing river in another window. (youtube) Sometimes I open 5 windows and make really cool soundscapes (wolves, horses, thunder, rain, etc.. Sometimes i like heavy metal. Sometimes I like enya. All depends. I use music a lot. Music is beautiful and has meaning. It has a way to connect people. It has a way to get your emotions out. Do you have pent up emotions? Try some punk rock.


Here are some links to some music I like. You may or may not like some of these. Iv'e tried to pick positive songs here.














Anyway. I use music to feel better.




I Hope you have a better night.
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Old 01-25-19, 02:15 AM   #5
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I do agree 200% with John here...Music can uplift us,it can make us glad,sad,content....
for me it's like medication sometimes...i got a music thread here which i will continue...
few tracks which i listened to yesterday....

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Old 01-25-19, 10:28 AM   #6
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I'm not even sure why I'm posting here again. I managed to cling on the last time.

But... can anyone give me a reason to carry on living?

Internet access. Not on most of Earth, heaven, hell, or other planets.

My grandparents are dead, my mother and uncle have Parkinsons. My father has a degenerative mental syndrome. My aunt died at the beginning of 2018, and her partner didn't tell my mother or anyone else this until just before Christmas.

Sorry to hear that. That sounds difficult to witness.

I'm gay. I hate it. I'm ashamed of it and it has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. My first sexual experience ostracised from ALL societal interaction for three years. I spent all my school life with my head in my hands, afraid of criticism and hating myself.


Sorry to hear that. Maybe find the gay community to have support. Online works possibly better than meetup groups, which can get dull, drunk, sexual, or annoying.


My shame will never leave me now. I grew up during a time where AIDS was prevalent it terrified me.

Is that a bad thing to be scared out of contracting a deadly disease, the way I'm terrified of getting pregnant, going blind, or terrified of getting a smoking related illness?

I shut myself off from everyone. But even before this, I was a terrified child. Scared to speak. To express my opinion except where my own defense mechanisms kicked in, at which point they perceived purely as stubbornness.

Do you care how you're perceived? Do you think talkative people are liked by everyone?I'm glad you have defense mechanisms.
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Old 03-12-19, 10:06 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by tigerlover View Post
I do agree 200% with John here...Music can uplift us,it can make us glad,sad,content....
for me it's like medication sometimes...i got a music thread here which i will continue...
few tracks which i listened to yesterday....

The Rolling Stones - Dead Flowers - From The Vault - The Marquee – Live In 1971 - YouTube
Music is pretty much all I hate. It has been since I was a teenager. I found solace in it. I became deeply involved in the underground electronic music scene. I was even an amateur journalist that espoused it.

It passes the time but doesn't help. I do appreciate the sentiment, however. Most times it makes me feel worse, though.
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Old 03-12-19, 10:14 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by SensualGirl View Post
I'm not even sure why I'm posting here again. I managed to cling on the last time.

But... can anyone give me a reason to carry on living?

Internet access. Not on most of Earth, heaven, hell, or other planets.

My grandparents are dead, my mother and uncle have Parkinsons. My father has a degenerative mental syndrome. My aunt died at the beginning of 2018, and her partner didn't tell my mother or anyone else this until just before Christmas.

Sorry to hear that. That sounds difficult to witness.

I'm gay. I hate it. I'm ashamed of it and it has been the bane of my life for as long as I can remember. My first sexual experience ostracised from ALL societal interaction for three years. I spent all my school life with my head in my hands, afraid of criticism and hating myself.


Sorry to hear that. Maybe find the gay community to have support. Online works possibly better than meetup groups, which can get dull, drunk, sexual, or annoying.


My shame will never leave me now. I grew up during a time where AIDS was prevalent it terrified me.

Is that a bad thing to be scared out of contracting a deadly disease, the way I'm terrified of getting pregnant, going blind, or terrified of getting a smoking related illness?

I shut myself off from everyone. But even before this, I was a terrified child. Scared to speak. To express my opinion except where my own defense mechanisms kicked in, at which point they perceived purely as stubbornness.

Do you care how you're perceived? Do you think talkative people are liked by everyone?I'm glad you have defense mechanisms.
I may be misrepresenting myself accidentally here. The gay community was the main problem. Hating yourself because of your own sexual preference is incredibly hard - nigh on impossible - when it has dictated your lost past and the indescribably banal potential future. The gay community is for some reason terrifying to me. Intimidating. Embarrassing. Not me.

I don't know what is "me". I have no frame of reference. My therapist told me I'd been so removed from society at a young age that i hadn't formed a normal emotional framework for dealing with other people. I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel, but better? No... much, much worse.

I may never gain this proper connection with other people that will make me feel happy, let alone positive.

There's no way forward, as far as I can see. Either I die inside a little more each day until I *actually* die, or I just do myself a favour and stop it now.
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Old 03-28-19, 02:27 AM   #9
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Sorry you're feeling down. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
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